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It's Whatever...

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Today is August 8, 2012.
Today is the day I change my life.

Did you all have one of those? Those wake-up, ah-ha, lightbulb moments? Did some outside or inside trigger just flip the switch and you decided that THIS was it?

I didn't have one of those moments. Honestly, I didn't.

I mean, back in 2004 when this all started I sorta did...but not really. I was going in for testing for gastric bypass surgery and I figured that I would start the diet throughout the testing so it wasn't such a shock to my system when I came out of surgery.

In April 2010...I still to this day cannot tell you what hit me. It was a combination of the fact that my childhood friend had been working out and trying to get healthy combined with a weekend trip up to see her where we ended up at the middle school - where I remember walking the track after school lap after lap just trying to lose weight.

I have had so many stops and starts in my life.
I think that's why I don't like the word "journey". Because if I looked at it that way, I would have to include my entire life past the age of about 8.
Because after age 5 I became fat and I stayed that way.
And even though I wasn't ashamed of it (because I was friggin' 8 and didn't care much beyond whether my Barbie's hair was combed and styled properly and if her shoes matched her shirt), everyone around me was. And they taught me the shame I would later adopt and carry with me.

But never - not once - was THAT time THE time.

I don't know why.
Especially by April 2010 when I joined Spark.

I had given up on the idea that there would ever be a THIS time or that I could determine when that time would be. It was out of my hands. I could do what I could. I could try. But I would probably fail.

It's one reason I didn't tell anyone at first what I was doing. My husband found out in the first week or so when I started measuring my food. But other than the world I was building on Spark...no one knew. Slowly I began to tell people. My mom. My sister. My family. A few close friends. And by then people were already noticing my weight loss, so the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

And all the while I was biting my nails, but trying to be brave.

Finally, I let my world in on FB.

Big mistake. HUGE!
Because now I felt like they expected things of me I wasn't prepared to give.
They wanted me to be someone I didn't feel I was yet...and might never be.

Because, remember, this time wasn't THE time...or at least I had no control over whether it would be or not.

Add to that a lengthy plateau that is probably 99.9% my fault for whatever reason and...

This wasn't the time.
Maybe tomorrow was the time.
Maybe it never would be the time.

Last night, as I watched my son's football team practice, I heard a lot of the boys panting and breathing heavy and unable to do a lot of the basic drills they use to do day after day.


After practice, I stopped by the store for the dreaded box of instant mashed potatoes and a bag of frozen vegetables.


A huge fight I had earlier with the Hubs...and an offhand agreement from him about how I had not been choosing my food wisely the past few days.


A talk with my son when we got home from football wherein I made him stretch (because they don't stretch them out after practice or games) and then had him ice his sore ankles.

...somehow...yesterday broke my heart.

I was feeling pretty good about myself. I'd been hitting the gym pretty regularly. I'd been making a ton of meals at home. I'd been using the weekends to get my house cleaned, scrubbed and organized - which involved more weekend movement than I've had in months. And yet...I don't know...I still feel like it's not enough and that I'm not enough.

And I don't know how to fix that...or if it can be fixed.

Today in the pool I pushed a little harder on my last few sets of laps. I got the entire 1600 yards in, and followed that with 40 uber relaxed cool down yards. The fast laps helped me hit some higher ranges on my HRM (130s-160), but I can't say it's made me feel any better.

I feel more like I'm treading water.

Until I figure out what else to do, though...I'll keep treading.

Because even though I can't say that THIS is THE time.
I can't say it isn't either.

I feel like I have no control over it...and that makes me sad and frustrated.
And then I feel like I have the control, I'm just not strong enough to do it...and that makes me even more sad.

More than anything, I'm feeling bored and stressed and pressured and overwhelmed by all that's been thrown at me lately. Between work and the house and my kids and football and dinners and workouts and still not getting anywhere with ANY of it...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    I don't know if this is how you are feeling, but I'm tired. I started on SP 3 years ago and I'm tired of logging, tracking, running in circles for a good calorie burn, feeling like what I do isn't getting me anywhere.

    This week has been liberating. I haven't run (which isn't the greatest idea as the marathon isn't that far away), but I did do my P90X and it was so nice to not wear my Heart Rate Monitor. To completely ignore my calories burned. I tracked my workouts on Fitocracy where they give you points and you can "level up" and complete challenges like a video game. It was actually fun tracking my workout for once.

    It is what I need right now, to step away from the weight loss mindset and find some other way to keep me on this healthy path. I hope you find what you need!
    3190 days ago
    Hugs girl! Just keep treading and you'll get through this stress and pressure.

    CONGRATS on the 1,600 swim!!!
    3191 days ago
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    3192 days ago
    I seems to be more productive to think "healthy lifestyle" rather than being on a diet or setting goals for weight loss.

    Actually setting weight loss goals is a recipe for disappointment. Having a picture of what we will look like in a healthy body is probably a good thing for most people.

    Weight loss is not in our direct control - there might be other things going on in our bodies of which we are not aware. We are in direct control of what we swallow and how much we move.

    Ideally goals would focus on the things we can directly control - nutrition, exercise, stress and sleep. If we optimize those and are still not healthier, something else is going on.

    Stay Strong
    3192 days ago
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    3192 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    I really like what one of the other posters said - "I would rather be where I am now, treading water, than where I began." I know it's frustrating, I feel it too, but you need to hang onto the fact that you have come soooooo far...there will be plateaus, but you WILL move forward eventually, I have faith! Hang in there babe.
    3192 days ago
    For me it is this goal. 2011 was the year I found a new and better job. 2012 is the year I lose the weight. It has become obvious that 2012 is really the year that I develop the new habits that will allow me to lose the weight throughout 2012 and 2013, but that's okay.

    It's also a choice I make every single minute of the day. Always in the past I have let myself "forget." I'll start a new diet plan, then by day two I'm accidentally forgetting my lunch at home and having to go through a drive through and it all goes downhill from there. That's one thing SP has really helped me with, it's always at my fingertips.

    It's frustrating to think that I may have diet/exercise/weight loss on my brain as much as it has been for the last year for the rest of my life in order to maintain a healthy weight, but at the same time, it's gratifying for me to see how far I've come. Even though I wish I were doing better, I'm still making progress. Even if I don't lose another pound this whole year, I'll still end the year 20 pounds less than last year. That's better than 2 pounds heavier. And next year I'll keep going. And the year after that.

    It's not really a journey or a plan...it's a lifestyle. Unfortunately, none of us are going to go from 200 pounds to 150 overnight!

    P.S. I'm going to swim tomorrow morning for my workout! You've inspired me!
    3192 days ago
    Have you tried eating elephants?

    3192 days ago
    I understand completely on feeling overwhelmed and stressed by it all. I too am struggling lately with everything I have going - family errands and activities, work, working out, trying to eat the right way, keep the house clean, manage our rental property, the list goes on and on and on and it often seems like I will never keep up with it all and certainly not in the way that I want to. I wish I could give you the answer, but I am definitely trying to find it myself. emoticon
    3192 days ago
    I hear you, loud and clear...

    I'm not going to throw "good news, rah rah, we can do this" your way - I only have this:

    I would rather be where I am now, treading water, than where I began. THAT is what I hold onto at the times I feel this way. Does it make me feel better? NOPE. But it at least acknowledges what I've managed to accomplish (so far) and gives me the strength for another day (hour, minute)...

    Hang tough, gal. Let me know if there is something I can do for you. It's a bona fide offer :)

    3192 days ago
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    Thinking of you friend, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It's true many of us can relate to what you are feeling but it doesn't come with an easy answer of course...I really wish it did. I just know that I accept these days where I feel defeated and just keep going and maybe cry in my car or something just to release some of that emotion that you don't want anyone to see. You don't have anything to prove to anyone! You are a wonderful person and that is good enough! I know we give ourselves these expectations and "goals" and when they don't happen fast enough or even at all we just get crushed and re-evaluate and keep on trekking I guess. Hang in there beautiful!
    3192 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6390545
    You know it's time when you are 110% fed up. It's when the lightbuld go off and you realize "You know, I don't have to live this way. It really is up to me and I refuse to put up with all of this BS!" Well, at least that's what happened to me. I think most of us can relate to your situation. I'm with you on the "journey" term, as I don't think our lives should be defined by our relationship with food and fitness, BUT they can be hindered in a big way. It's when we don't have that healthy relationship that others define us that way.

    I think your FB friends want the best for you and it can be a motivator to let others in on what you are doing. Only you can decide what the outcome of that will be. It's understandable to be a little wary, but my view is to attck it like it you cannot be stopped. If you are luke warm then so to will be the results.

    I don't mean to be insulting or anything, I've been there too. Don't give up.
    3192 days ago
    I have been here since march 2010, too. I feel a lot li,e you do and I also eased in to telling people in my life. Now it feels like everyone is used to me this way. They all used to ask "so, how much have you lost NOW". Nobody asks because its obvious I haven't lost anymore and am in fact up about 15 from my lowest. It is very confusing sometimes. Certain things have stuck solid and some are fleeting moments of hitting the mark.

    Treading water seems to be key so I am doing that and just doing what I can each day. We will get there. We have today. Jan
    3192 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    So much of this struck a nerve with me. Your whole story. I told no one when I started except the one son living with me caught on too. Six months later when the cat came out of the bag, now my weight loss was everyone's concern and time to chime in. After losing 90 lbs (if even for a second, 80 I hold to) I started self sabotaging. I have begun to believe that it was/is because everyone suddenly was judging me, making suggestions, blah blah blah. I had lost 80 lbs without anyone even knowing on my own. Why now was my weight loss everyone's business? I have gained back nearly 40 lbs. It isn't the end of the world. But, I am taking my life back. It's a little harder with the cat still out of the bag, but it will get done. Treading water is good. That is what I am doing right now. Making plans for September (after I take my son back to college) but in the meantime treading water and doing the best I can. Hang in there. I am here right with you!
    3192 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12377246
    sorry to read you are not feeling good about yourself and what you are doing right now.. but chin up girl, you have come so far!! and you look so pretty in your photos, it has all been so worth it for so many reasons! when things are looking dull and grey, and no solution can be thought of, it is often in the most unexpected moment that things suddenly become clear and make sense, you can feel deep down what needs to be done. Its almost like it bites you in the backside ;) and you think, heck, why didn't I see that before?? I always say this to myself in difficult times: life is like a funfair wheel; when you reach the bottom it can only go up again!
    sending you positive energy
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    3192 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/8/2012 9:37:44 AM
  • no profile photo CD10795864
    I think every day is the day that we change our lives......

    And some days it is ok, and some days it is very difficult, and that is life.

    I think we have to keep on keeping on.

    I find your blogs quite interesting, and enjoy reading them! They make me think, which is very good!

    3192 days ago
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