I sat with myself all Friday, the tears coming off and on, trying to figure out my next step. I've been frustrated for quite a while now, but Friday it reached an all time high. I just can't keep doing this to myself. I can't take the heartbreak and disappointment any longer. I can't sit here constantly pushing and punishing myself only to STILL fail when the time comes to judge my efforts. It's just too hard. And I don't mean just physically, but emotionally as well.
I'm not going to attempt to explain the frustration to you. You already either get it, or you don't. And maybe some day you'll get there and you'll have a "think back" moment and then you'll get it. I, honest to goodness, wish not one of you actually knew what it felt like to push against a solid wall. And I wish I didn't always have someone when I'm at my wits end promising that they have the magic answer that will solve all my problems.
I feel like Jack with his magic beans here. I have no idea what the next set of beans are going to yield. I'd much rather have my cow back because at least I knew what I was getting with her - milk every single morning...consistently!
So I had to decide what to do. I felt like the most important thing was pulling into myself and putting myself in defensive mode. I know that much more heartbreak would send me into a downward spiral it might take me a very, very long time to pull myself out of. I didn't want to lose everything I had gained from losing weight, and, yes, I really still wanted to lose weight. But I couldn't keep being a "failure". (In my own eyes that's how I felt...and my eyes are really all that matter because I have to live with me every single day.)
Okay, enough delays, right?
Get to the point!
The point is, I've decided that the biggest thing I'm going to change is my thinking.
I'm no longer going to hold myself to the must-haves of this "journey" or whatever the hell you want to call it. (Maybe while I'm rethinking I can rethink a new word that isn't so... *shudders*.) Instead, I'm going to expect that this is the way I live now.
I'm going to allow myself to be who I've become without trying to change myself any more right now. If the weight drops as a result - Great! If not, at least I wasn't pushing so hard and got nowhere, right?
The life I see myself living right now is so different from the one before.
I can sprint across the road if need be.
I'm not exactly shy any longer.
I can crack jokes and smile and feel more confident in myself.
I'm a friggin' GREAT cook!
I workout at least 3-5 days a week to keep my body in good shape.
I'm still going to work on making changes...but a different kind.
I've spent (wasted) the past year putting all my eggs in one basket and trying to lose this weight. And I've got nothing (numberwise from the scale) to show for it. So maybe it's time to start fixing the other parts of my life that need fixing.
So on Friday, I created an off-Spark blog.
It was something I was discussing doing already and had talked to a good friend and my husband about it. This will allow me to branch off into other things and really devote myself to the business of making my life just a little bit better in a variety of different ways.
I hope it also hones my cooking skill as I'd like to start making my OWN recipes to share with other people. I think I've finally made it to that level of understanding in the kitchen.
Plus, this will help me keep track of all my goals, all my recipes/websites, my full meal plan and workout schedule and all of it in one nice, neat little package.
As for weighing in...I haven't quite decided yet. I know that I skipped looking today. Right now I'm thinking I'll check on the morning of the first of August and then I'll put it away for a little bit - maybe until mid-August or even the first of September. Of course, I may break down and look, but I'm hoping by refocusing myself and the areas I want to improve, I won't even really be thinking about my weight.
So that's the plan.
And my raspberries are a little off this AM. :/
Oh, and I moved up to 1500 yards in the pool today and my form is improving, but I needed a couple recovery laps. To be expected...a jump from 1200 to 1500 AND I was working on shorter breaks this go 'round. All in all, not bad. And I was able to get my HRM to read in the pool so I can just log everything in one place if I want to! (I was logging in 3 places and it was getting really out of hand!)
Football practice tonight. Can't wait to see my boy being active again! Stupid summer and stupid video games!