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Compulsion

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Compulsion: the action or state of forcing or being forced to do something

So, go yet ANOTHER family pig roast this past Saturday and manage to keep things under control for that event. Woke up Sunday, spent the day with Hubby sans kids. Had coffee, egg and one piece of turkey sausage. Lunch 1 cup cottage cheese, 1 cup spinach 1 slice wheat bread and one baby bel cheese.

Dinner: salad with chicken and light dressings. Feeling good.

I get home late Sunday, open the fridge and realize that my 17 year old daughter had picked up Chinese over the weekend (she did not come with us.)

Leftovers staring me in the face. HUGE trigger for me.

Before I realize it, I had eaten about 10 pieces of sweet and sour chicken, about a cup of mushoo veggies and 3 rice krispie treats. Don't ask. They were just sitting on the counter and at that point I figured what the heck.

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Was about to head back to the fridge to polish off the rest of the chicken when I managed to stop myself and headed out the door to take a walk with the dogs feeling mighty crappy about myself.

Got back just now and did a bit of Spark Hopsctoch, but decided to just get this out because I just need to.

Now I'm all panicky, feeling like, "What is up with that Michelle. The leftovers are still in the fridge. You thought you were all zen about this and under control and then...disaster!"

It was not even the amount of food I ate... it was more the feeling of being out of control. Like it COULD have been a lot worse if some of my Spark Friends had not been looking over my shoulder...

So, here is why I think I did that: I had stopped taking pictures of my food when I went away for the weekend. I had started doing this on July 11 and have a visual record of everything I've eaten since then.

This weekend, I had stopped having that little "moment of grace" before I ate, when I just snapped a quick pic. I think I realize now how useful that weird little habit was...it made me LOOK at my food. It made me present and aware of what was going on right in front of me.

In just two days, I had gotten out of that habit and fallen back into food being something that goes from hand to mouth without so much as a "please" or "thank you."

I guarantee you I did not really look at anything that I ate on that binge.

So, plan for right now: hoop for 15 minutes while I watch the Colbert Report, then go to bed.

Plan for tomorrow: Spark some, exercise some, get all my other 'to do's" DONE. And I will start taking pictures of my food again.

'night




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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LE7_1234
    Maybe it's because you stopped taking the pictures. But taking pictures is an external act, a habit. Something that can become a crutch.... Yes, it can ground you and help you focus on where you really are--but it can also be a way to ignore inner signals.

    It's *really* common to have a big blowout right after being very successful at a big event. For a whole host of reasons....

    To start with, if you are viewing the event as a struggle, as something you must get through--you're working really hard mentally the whole time. So when you say Phew, I'm done--it's like all that mental energy gets released on the binge.

    There's an element of reward syndrome in it--I did so well at the event that I deserve a treat.

    There's often an emotional component to it based on issues that might have been stirred up at the event. A comment someone made, someone questioning your food choices, someone being a food pusher--even a lot of positive comments about how good you're looking. These can all stir up emotions that can lead to a binge (if you don't have other systems in place for dealing with the feelings).

    Did you feel like you were being so "good" you were deprived? The Chinese food might be a reaction to that. Or a rebellion thing, maybe? Or even what CARTOONB suggested--maybe you really didn't eat enough.

    And sometimes it's a combination, where just one of these feelings on its own wouldn't be strong enough to trigger a binge, but if you're a little hungry, feeling a little deprived, and Aunt Mabel made snide comments about you refusing her pecan pie, well....

    In the IOWL podcasts, Renee often talks about imagining how you want to feel at the end of an event. Relaxed? Content? Satisfied as far as food? Fulfilled as far as conversation? These things all help me a lot--but I learned that I have to extend "after the event" to include the time when the event is over, and the calm continues.

    This is a great opportunity for learning, Michelle. Find the lesson you need to learn, do your redo... and let it go.

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    3252 days ago
  • MIDORI_SPARK
    One weekend can't make or break you... that's what's so wonderful about a slow, consistent weight loss. It may take a long time, but we progress bit by bit. We can't lose 20 lbs in two days, but the reverse is also true... we can't gain 20 lbs in two days either.

    We'll just be thankful for the lessons that our mistakes teach us and move on :) You got this!
    3253 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9390344
    You caught yourself, so consider it a minor thing and enjoy the new day ahead. We all have those moments... sometimes even as we're putting it in our mouth we go "What are you doing?? Stop that!!" - annndddd then it still goes in. If you were workin' the picture thing before, it will be super easy for you to start up and get back on track again.

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    3253 days ago
  • DOGSTARDADDY
    Moving forward... don't look back. Just try to learn from the weekend.
    3253 days ago
  • CAREN_BLUEJEANS
    It's OK, it's over, move along, nothing to see here.

    I love your idea of taking pix of food & will try that today.
    3253 days ago
  • CYANIDE_CUPCAKE
    Happens to everyone but you did SO great before, so I think you're going to be just fine. You COULD have ate like a hog (pun intended ;) hehe) all weekend and then added that to the tally but you didn't. You decided to take a walk instead of continue the binge also. Bonus points. And you blogged about it, so now you may forgive yourself and roll with it. OMG You're human! Congratulations :) Seriously. Forget it. You know what you did, you know how you plan to fix it, and that's 10980932 times better than what you would have done prior to starting this journey... right? RIGHT! You kick major toosh. XOXO
    3253 days ago
  • PERFECTLY_LIFE
    I have those weird semi-possessed moments too.
    I find them to be very irritating.
    For me, it is flat out stubbornness and being like a little kind and doing it just because I want to.
    Makes me crazy sometimes.
    Glad you are over it...
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    3253 days ago
  • SHRINK_U
    I do the same thing sometimes. When I look back on it .. it seems that my compulsive eating happens on days when I am really tired due to lack of sleep. I struggle with insomnia... and when it gets really bad it is very difficult for me to combat that eating. Sometimes I don't even realize I have done it until it is over.

    The picture idea sounds like a great idea.
    3253 days ago
  • CARTOONB
    Good for you for having a plan going forward. Are you sure you're eating enough through the day? You did not say how much of some of the foods you ate during the day, but it seems like there were not enough calories there. I obviously don't know what you're eating and you are welcome to ignore my unsolicited advice. Just checking.

    I like the pictures idea. Might start using it too!
    3253 days ago
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