Yesterday was not a good day.
I do not get any stars for my chart.
I attempted laps in the lap pool, but after 5 was kicked out due to thunder outside.
Instead of refocusing, I got annoyed and gave up for the day.
Damage is done...hopefully not too much.
Need to get back into my RB routines so I can continue to see my middle shrink.
The hardest part for me lately has been trying not to focus on how much I hate how my body looks right now.
Three more days of work.
Four more days of hard workouts before fun activities this weekend.
Gotta keep my focus or I'll go into this weekend with shame, regret, and guilt and won't be able to enjoy any of it.
Second hardest part is my ultimate fear of the scale.
After months of not moving at all, followed by three solid weeks of progress, I am still not down to the lowest I saw during my plateau and still fear I will yo-yo back up again.
305 is perhaps one of the scariest weights for me right now.
And fear can be paralyzing.
I have to learn how to break through and move forward now or I might never be able to.
I hate feeling scared and anxious.
And TOM is not helping me AT ALL.
I feel like I'm fighting to swim upstream through raging rapids.
(Note: With the depo, I go months without noticing anything, and then I'll get hit with one of those awful TOM that is slow and steady and painful for days or, sometimes, weeks. I'm hoping this one lets go after today.)
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
But it is easier to end a week saying, "I did all that I could" than it is to end it in shame knowing I am the cause of my failures.
Let the weight sort itself out while I move forward.