Pushing through a rough patch
Monday, July 16, 2012
NOt really sure why, but the urge to binge has been super strong the past few weeks. I have been pushing through, however, not enough to be in total control and continue to lose like I have been all round 19 of BLC, but not losing it completely. I am owning my impulses and keeping them in check much better than in the past.
Instead of using my team for support, I have been shying away. I feel a bit ashamed that I am contributing to our team numbers. I logically know that they are not judging me and aren't mad at me, but I do feel guilty. a special teammate just reached out to me and I wrote back to her and that really helped me work through some crapola that was hanging in my brain.
I know it's ridiculous to shy away from my uber fabulous team when I need them. Guess I just wasn't ready to admit out loud that I am struggling.
My fitness in order.. biking to and from work. Ballet barre class making my muscles shake like NEVER before. Wanting to eat EVERYTHING in sight. sigh. Haven't wanted to binge in so long. Why now d I jsut want to hide on my couch and gorge myself with chips and cheese dip and french silk ice cream? I have not had a binge. Just some serious fantasizing about it.
Just to say screw it. I'm gonna eat what ever the heck I want.
It won't make me feel good. It will make me feel like $h*%. But i my mind, it will be wonderful.
I was so close to 169. Why am I holding myself back from that? I am actually crying now. SO darn close and then start making poor choices. Portions too big. Too many excuses for bad choices.
Taking it one meal choice at time. Taking it one bite at a time.
I am determined to not give in and getting this out in writing already makes me feel better.
My goal for the summer break is to burn 3000 - 3500 calories a week with biking, barre class, walking the beach etc..
Eating.. back on track (for real) each choice I make with food. If I eat it, I will track it.
I will reach out for support instead of shying away. That's what my team is for. Not to hand hold or have a pity party, but to be able to reach out for additional strength when I need it.
Thanks for listening.