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Pushing through a rough patch

Monday, July 16, 2012

NOt really sure why, but the urge to binge has been super strong the past few weeks. I have been pushing through, however, not enough to be in total control and continue to lose like I have been all round 19 of BLC, but not losing it completely. I am owning my impulses and keeping them in check much better than in the past.

Instead of using my team for support, I have been shying away. I feel a bit ashamed that I am contributing to our team numbers. I logically know that they are not judging me and aren't mad at me, but I do feel guilty. a special teammate just reached out to me and I wrote back to her and that really helped me work through some crapola that was hanging in my brain.

I know it's ridiculous to shy away from my uber fabulous team when I need them. Guess I just wasn't ready to admit out loud that I am struggling.

My fitness in order.. biking to and from work. Ballet barre class making my muscles shake like NEVER before. Wanting to eat EVERYTHING in sight. sigh. Haven't wanted to binge in so long. Why now d I jsut want to hide on my couch and gorge myself with chips and cheese dip and french silk ice cream? I have not had a binge. Just some serious fantasizing about it.

Just to say screw it. I'm gonna eat what ever the heck I want.

It won't make me feel good. It will make me feel like $h*%. But i my mind, it will be wonderful.

I was so close to 169. Why am I holding myself back from that? I am actually crying now. SO darn close and then start making poor choices. Portions too big. Too many excuses for bad choices.

Taking it one meal choice at time. Taking it one bite at a time.

I am determined to not give in and getting this out in writing already makes me feel better.

My goal for the summer break is to burn 3000 - 3500 calories a week with biking, barre class, walking the beach etc..

Eating.. back on track (for real) each choice I make with food. If I eat it, I will track it.

I will reach out for support instead of shying away. That's what my team is for. Not to hand hold or have a pity party, but to be able to reach out for additional strength when I need it.

Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon everyone! emoticon
    3296 days ago
    So it is a hick up or two? Life goes on. It is not defining you. You can do it!
    3296 days ago
  • FITAT50
    Oh Sweetie, we are here for you, we will cheer you on and help hold you up when you need it. That's what's so special about the Spies, we will never judge you, we've all been there. Keep blogging or writing in a journal, look for the reason behind your wanting to binge, something is triggering it.

    We've been through many rounds together Shelley and I know you will come back stronger than ever, don't be to hard on yourself right now. Take it one meal and one workout at a time, celebrate every achievement big or small.

    emoticon emoticon
    3296 days ago
    I hear you! Give yourself a big pat on the back for not giving in to it. emoticon And for reaching out now. emoticon
    3296 days ago
    Shelley, I know just what you mean hunny, and I could cry right with you. For me I just get tired of trying so hard and having to work harder than everyone else. I let myself have a few of those things that I've been avoiding and like nothing up 5 lbs. The thing is to channel exactly how you feel right now, really think about and keep a mental snapshot of you sitting and crying as you typed that blog. It will stay with you for a while and keep you strong. We are all going to have hard times and good times, but if you can go back to how the bad times make you feel then you can avoid them or put them off. It's all okay and we will do this!!!
    3296 days ago
  • LCDM83
    I tend to do the same thing when I'm close to a goal- almost like being afraid of reaching it. I am so glad you are back- missed you this week!! You CAN do this. You've got big plans to reach for- and don't forget to reach out too! We are here for each other.
    3296 days ago
  • DEE797
    Reaching out for support from the team and/or friends is the way to go. I know you can do this. Wishing you success on your journey! emoticon
    3296 days ago
  • LUCYLU22
    You know, I think that so many of us do this. I know I do. I seem to try to sabotage myself when I get SO darn close to a goal. Then, on top of it, I don't reach out for the support I need. I wonder if we do it because we don't WANT to hear what they might say, or we already know what our support is going to say, or we use our imagination to make it must worse than it is. I don't know what it is, but boy is that the BEST time to get the support we need. It sounds like you have a great plan for life without BLC for awhile, just remember the team will still BE here to support each other when we need it, ALL we have to DO is ask!

    emoticon because emoticon
    3296 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12594254
    This past weekend i had a strong urge to pig out on sweets!! ya just have to push through and try to avoid temptation!
    3296 days ago
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