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This is what I am going through right now - so I am apologize now for sounding depressed or snapping

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Beginning of last month I lost my fiancee in a tragic accident (so technically I am not quite a widow but I feel like one, we were planning our wedding). Anyway I am having a really hard time. His friends and family have been great. I am trying to stay in touch with all his friends & trust me when I say he had a lot. But at the end of the day, I still live at home with my parents so the people that I live with doesn't understand what I am going through. (Which I understand they don't but it just makes me feel extra alone and reminds me of the future that we were planning that got taken away.) And half the time this house doesn't feel like a home. I also do not know of anyone else who lost a spouse or significant other at a young age, I am in my twenties.

On top of all that I lost one of my part time jobs the afternoon before his accident. So I have been applying to jobs and hoping I am having a good day when I do on an interview. I know the stress of that is hard on me and my parents are worried about me in that I don't have a steady income and that I don't have insurance. I truely feel like I am rebuilding my life. And I know he is still with me and in heaven as my angel But angels can't physically "shake hug" you and you can't text them when your having a bad day or see something you know they would love.

Anyway so like almost any Sparker can relate to the thing that has been helping me and keeping me going & getting up every morning is my going to the gym and working out- it gets my day started. But I twisted my foot yesterday and now I am using crutches and in physical pain on top of all the emotional pain. I have been elevating, doing ice -everything it says so hopefully it is not as bad as it feels. But I don't know how much more I can take. I am not this strong.

Sorry to sound like such a downer and to vent on you. AND thank you for reading this and letting me vent to you. I do have some good moments too. I see things that remind me of him and sometimes they make me smile, and sometimes they make me cry. I guess that is normal. I am also learning so much about the grieving process and my emotions. Before this like any normal 29 year old my only experience was the loss of grandparents. But right now I just feel so lost, useless and depressed. I know one day, time heals all and I will be better but right now I don't see how I will ever get there, feel like I will never be happy again about life. And I feel like ever since this summer started life has been kicking me down time after time. When will stuff look up?

So I guess I just felt like I needed to let my Spark friends know whats happening. Ive been a member for around 4 years, I think. And it does feel good to type it out. So if anyone has any tips or advice on this I would be so honored to hear it. I just need a friend.
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  • no profile photo CD6110324
    I feel what your going through. I am 27 and I have never experienced a loss like this. The picture thing about making you laugh and smile then cry happens to me as well. I think for me it's because I know we will never have a new memories again. I'm so glad for every picture I have and it makes me happy to remember the good times, but then it reminds me that my future was just taken away from me in a split second and there's nothing I can do. I feel for me it's best to just let out whatever I'm feeling. I don't know if I can be much help because this is so new to me as well, but if you ever want to talk feel free to contact me.

    Keep on moving.
    2989 days ago
  • KATD13
    While reading your blog, it made me realize how much we have in common.

    To start with, we are both on SparkPeople. And we belong to some of the same teams. Your background photo makes me think of my oldest daughter. She LOVES CareBears.

    But what really stands out, for me is:
    We have both recently lost someone special. But they were not "officially" family.
    I had resigned my job & my last day at work was the day before he was killed. You had been let go, the day before your fiancee's accident.
    You twisted your foot yesterday & I hurt my leg on Friday, while rollerblading.

    I don't want to freak you out, but maybe there is a reason for these coincidences. Almost like our paths were destine to cross.

    Please feel free to contact me, if you want. Although our losses are different, I understand how your life has been ripped apart. How hard it is to go through the day & how you seem like your doing OK, but your not.

    I do believe you are stronger than you think, hang in there.
    3021 days ago
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