Sunday, July 15, 2012
I have learned that I am not very good with result goals - I did join a team BL LIMes (hence the design of my page...) that has a summer challenge going on, but I did it because one of my oldest Spark Friends is active there and I want to keep in contact... experience says that when I put up goals like "I will lose x kilos by x date - I will fall of the wagon over and over again.
Process goals are easier - goals like "I will plan a healthy meal every weekday" or "I will have half my plate with vegetables every meal" or "I will do at least 30 minutes of cardio at least 3 times a week" When I studied the ideas of Arts Anonymous I found a talent that answered to this, something like "we do our best every day and leave the result and time in the hands of our Higher Power" - letting go of the result has released a lot of anxiety and made me secure in that I am always Ok doing the best I can.
But that is not what my Title referred to - more like challenging myself to change in different ways. In Sweden the absolute top horror thing (more horrifying than death) to people is to speak in public. To stand up in front of a group is something people have nightmares about and it is stopping some people from advancing in their careers as they know that a higher position will mean speaking to crowds.
I am good with this - my biggest group was 1 500 norwegians at the concert Hall in Oslo. People are impressed and ask me how I dare - and I say that I did not START with 1 500 people. I started with a group of five finns that was learning swedish ( I was a teacher in swedish fro foreigners) – they did not even understand what I was saying. Then I worked my way up to larger groups and in the end 1500 people did not bother me.
Being a public speaker the step to sing in front of a crowd was not that big. I sang in the church choir and decided that I would dare myself to do a solo. Not that I am a very good singer, I am kind of mediocre, but just to challenge myself. I asked my choir leader, we picked a song, I rehearsed and performed (two hours before I wondered why I had been stupid enough to take on that project). It went ok - no talent agent showed up at my doorstep to sign me but nobody threw rotten tomatos either.
As I told in a blog in june I sang on a 50th birthday party at a great hotel in stockholm in front of rich and famous people. Without my career as a public speaker and without that singing in the church that performance would have been impossible.
Of course it is the same with my theatre - I have no ambition to become a "real" actor, still my colleagues tells me that the audience seems to think I am a professional actor - it´s not that I am such a good actor, it is that I am relaxed on the scene since I don´t feel frightened because I have practised a lot.
Now they have the idea of me being an organ-grinder - the creative leader wants to build a barrel organ (street-organ?) that we would include in some of our road shows...
It is a little bit scary - I have no idea how to handle that form, how the script would look like, what I could do with it that would be entertaining and a contribution to the show.
I am working learning the tarot cards and have constructed a gleaming crystal ball, with the vague thought that it might become some sort of fortune-teller act. I am just in the beginning as with the organ-grinding it is the worst part of the process because one feels so unsure and weak and set up for failure. BUT - having tried so many new things in the past and always felt that I learned so much make me want to try - I do not completely trust that it will be fine but I don´t really care, if it is a catastrophe I will learn what to do.
And spark conclusion - every real change is daring, it´s not "just" a queation of channging food choices or chosing another lifestyle, it is about redefining yourself and creating a new you. It is truly scary because will you even like that person?- you think you will but you don´t know because it is unknown... but small steps will do it. Challenging yourself with something that moves your perception without rocking it all will help you. And once you are familiar with the stuff that the new style has brougt, you can take the next small scary step.
I have a tendancy to make myself smaller and define myself as a failure. Looking back I can see that I constantly have challenged myself in many ways. Not because of ambition but of longing to learn or experience something or to contribute or - just to see if I can! This is what I do - but somehow my mind does not incorporate it, I still think that I am a weak little creature that has no strength or capacity to really really change...
Keep on working - yes, we can! Don´t look for the results, enjoy the journey and trust the results to be what they should be!