I don't even know....
Friday, July 13, 2012
This is probably going to be lots of rambling simply because I need to get some things off my chest.
We've been busy lately. SO busy. Earlier this year my husband and I moved from Shreveport, LA to San Marcos, TX. We finally got an offer on our house (after 6 months) and will close July 27th. In the meantime however, we moved into an apartment and bought a lakefront lot. In the past two and a half months we've had a dock built and purchased a boat. I also started my new job at the beginning of april and now have a 35 minute+ drive to work and home. A typical day for us goes something like this:
Wake up: 5:30-6am
Leave for work: 6-6:30am
Leave work: 4-4:30pm
Arrive home: 5pm or later (Austin traffic is horrible in the afternoon!)
Leave for skiing: by 6pm
Ski until 9pm
Sometimes we have dinner at the lake so we've eaten around 8-8:30 but other times we don't eat until we get home. Then I usually shower and go to bed. We don't ski every week day, usually skip one, maybe two, nights a week. On the weekends we sleep in a bit (9am! MAYBE), have breakfast then hang around until about lunch time when we go out to the lake and spend most of the afternoon there.
All of this is to say that I don't spend enough time thinking about myself and what I need. My weight has been having a negative impact on my relationship with my husband. I haven't been gaining but I think he resents that "it's been three years" (his words) and I haven't gotten off what I gained after we moved in together. I'm up 15lbs from where I was when we met and 30lbs from my lowest during our relationship (during a long distance stint we did for a year). I've tried focusing on myself, I've tried dedicating more time to ME but it only lasts so long. Right now I'm very pessimistic and have no idea how I'm supposed to juggle all the things I need to do.
I'm not going to go into details but because of my weight, our sex life has suffered. Not in quantity but in quality. I'm resentful that I don't feel wanted or attended to. I can understand that he's a little less attracted to me (I won't lie, it's nature). However, I want to put SOME of the blame on him. We both work full time but I'm responsible for ALL the household work. I've begged and pleaded for him to help me out a bit more but it's not happening. It makes it hard to focus on myself when there's so much to do. I've told him how he can help me lose weight but it doesn't sink in. It's so easy for him so he thinks I'm just being lazy.
Certainly doesn't help that I use food to make myself feel better. That's my own personal problem, I know. I can't help but wonder though, if he were more supportive that the emotional struggle might be easier for me.
I know, rambling right. I just needed to get it out. I have absolutely no frigging clue how to do this. Essentially I'm miserable because of my weight but I feel that if I try to lose it, I'll be miserable because of the stress that comes with having so much responsibility AND trying to focus on myself without getting help from my husband. This was so much easier when I lived alone.