Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I am struggling with the concept of enough.
This morning I was finishing up my walk. It seems summer has finally arrived. I was warm. I turned the corner and there was a cooling breeze. It felt soooo good. I realized it was just the right amount. Not too much to be comfortable or so little that I barely felt it but just right. I seem not to have a concept of just right.
I seem to worry about not having enough and not being enough. I struggle to stop eating when I feel full. I struggle not to cringe if I have cleaned the house in the morning and my son has spread legos everywhere and so of my older sons' friends stop by. Really it is clean under the legos. I worry that I will never be good enough. I worry that I have not done enough of this or that.
I am pondering the concept of enough and accepting myself as enough. Accepting the eating as enough. Knowing when I have eaten enough and that there will be more food later. (clearly I have never starved. )
I need to realize that it is not my problem if my house is not good enough. I will get more food later. I have all the skills I need for this journey and I am doing enough.
I even took to worrying that my exercise was not enough. I was doing at least a half an hour every day and sometimes up to two hours. I really need to be able to say that is enough and I am making good progress. If I am not happy with my progress and my choices I need to fix it. this has gone on long enough.
I am wondering why I can see the beauty and accomplishment in others here and in my life but not my own. Why is it so hard to see and be compassionate with myself.