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Losing Weight - It's Not All Fun and Games and Happy Victories

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

*smacks self*

No, seriously. That's how I felt yesterday. I did great all day. I did my workout. I ate healthy fruits and vegs. Other than one small slip of not thinking, I didn't consume dairy OR grains (the soup was the slip up, but it was OH, SO GOOD!). And then I got home and *CRASH*! Just like last week, and the week before. *bangs head on desk*

No, seriously, this is getting out of hand.

I do know what caused it yesterday. Pure exhaustion. I just couldn't even think about cooking. My oldest waited all day to do the dishes and was in my way and I just didn't want to do...well, anything. So I ended up with pizza and breadsticks AND soda. *bangs head on desk* Which I ate/drank TOO MUCH of because I was exhausted and hungry. *bangs head on desk* And then managed to literally pass out on the couch. I think I fell asleep around 9pm and didn't wake up until 4:30am this morning. Hubs even remarked on how tired I must have been.

I need to read more of my book. Is this exhaustion part of the 2-week adjustment period or am I just doing something ELSE wrong?!

*sigh*

The only upside is that I did wake up at 4:30 this morning and I managed to get outside just as dawn was breaking to get in W1D1 of C25k. But I had stomach problems again. *sigh* Is it any wonder? Dairy, grains AND grease! And pop as well! What the hell was I thinking? And this morning I couldn't be bothered and had stupid creamer in my coffee.

*sigh*

I'm GOING to get a handle on this! I HAVE TO!
I don't know why I fall apart every day.

Okay, that's not true. I think I know why now. Or, at least, part of the reason why.

I'm terrified that getting "fit" or whatever type of skinny my body can achieve is going to make me miserable.

Let's face it, not all aspects of losing weight are good and happy and wonderful. My own chiro said that losing the 150+ pounds I've lost so far might be the main cause for my whole pelvic region and back being out of whack. Yes, you heard me right, the doctor said that LOSING WEIGHT has likely caused the problem. *sigh* Remember when it was because I was fat and NEEDED to lose weight that was causing the problems? Ahhhh...those were the days. (NOT!) *rolls eyes*

Other not so wonderful things I've gained from this journey?

- I'm more aware of my body.

Yeah, that sounds like a good thing, but not always. I was in ignorant bliss for a long time, and now that I'm noticing myself more, I see the flaws so easily now and I can't simply ignore them. I feel the actual fat separating from the muscle, which, yes, is a good thing, because it means less fat IN my muscles and organs, but it means that I feel the jiggle SO MUCH MORE in just day to day activites...like walking to the bathroom. Feeling the fat on you is not the most pleasant experience in the world, I promise. I may have been bigger before, but it was so big that it was less jiggle and more slow roll from side to side. And I know how off-putting and ridiculous this all sounds, but it's affecting my mental state and if anyone else out there is planning on losing 200 or more pounds, just know that this might be something you feel about halfway through.

- Excess skin.

I'm already noticing it more and more...and it's just downright sad. It just simply makes me sad. Because I'm 31 years old, and this is taking SO long that ...well, let's just say it, there's no hope for me to have a rockin' body without surgical assistance. This makes me sad more often than I ever admit. People wonder why I've been in such a hurry, but what they don't understand is that, in my head, the more time I'm fat, the less time I have to be skinny. The more time I'm fat, the more stretched my skin becomes and the less elasticity (is that the word?) I have to make things "bounce back". I guess I'm realizing now that it's not just about wanting to waste my life as a fat girl and not wanting to waste my entire 30s being fat, but because all the information we receive is, "The sooner you lose the weight, the better chance you'll have to have a "normal" body." But I'm realizing that it's all false hope anyhow. The damage is done...and whatever I have when I'm done with all of this, might be the biggest disappointment of my life.

Yes, I'm terrified that my husband won't like me when I'm skinny. When I have old, wrinkly, sagging skin like a 80 year old at the age of 35, or 40 or even 50...whenever my body and head decides to finally lose the rest of this weight. *taps foot impatiently* So while this plateau was simply a obstacle before, I think I've been setting up the roadblocks myself lately. Because I'm scared of what's to come. And I think I know what it will look like. And I don't know if I'd just rather be fat than be wrinkly and old prematurely. (And, yes, I know how awful all that sounds, but it's 100% true.)

- I've reached a progress stop point.

Not just on the scale, but there are yoga moves I want to improve but can't because of the huge stomach apron getting in between me and my legs (which are looking much nicer, btw...my calves are the only thing I have hope for in the future). I can't progress any further with my flexibility until I get rid of the actual physical obstacle in my way. And that pisses me off!

- I can see my thinner self.

This is another thing that's been taunting me for a while now...and I may have mentioned it before...but I can actually SEE my thinner self. I can see the form and shape of my would-be-normal body, but, again, that stupid stomach apron and the bubble butt are keeping me from a shape I would be more proud of...maybe.

- Calcium deposits.

When I was younger, I went to the doc to ask about a bump on the top of my foot. It's this soft little bump right on the top of my foot and it bugs the crap out of me because it makes my foot look weird. My doc at the time told me that it was nothing to worry about, it was just a little calcium deposit. Between that bump and the calcified ligament in my neck, I'd say my body has had issues processing calcium correctly in the past. No clue what causes that, but I sure wish it would stop. Since losing weight I've discovered two more calcium deposits on my body that were not noticable before because of the extra fat. One is on my inner thigh. Not too worried about that one as no one is likely to see it but me. It's just a slight annoyance to me that it's there, nothing more. (I know already that my thighs are a lost cause. I can see the hanging skin already and I'm already having nightmares of what the upper part of my legs are going to look like when all this is said and done.) But the other one? It's on MY FACE! My friggin' face, y'all. The one thing about me that, even when I weighed nearly 500 pounds, I was still okay with. The one part of me that no one ever had a problem with. But now, next to my lips in the spot where a cute dimple could be is a friggin' calcium deposit that makes me want to cry (and also makes me want to not smile or otherwise draw attention to it). It's like a big "HAHAHAHA!" with pointing from your middle school bully every time I look in the mirror now. I cannot even begin to describe how much this damn bump is messing with my head. I keep thinking, "Oh, so I'm losing weight so I can get UGLY?! Great!" *sarcasm*

These are the thoughts that are keeping me from losing the weight.
I know that. I really do.
I know I'm actually CHOSING not to lose weight.
I'm wasting my own time spending hours working out, only to stuff my mouth in order to not lose any more weight and have to face the consequences of a lifetime of being obese.

It sounds completely stupid, but I know it's 100% true.
When this plateau started, it was completely out of my control.
But in the past few weeks, at least through all of June, it's been my doing 100%.
I've adjusted my calories to restart my metabolism again and give it a break. And then when it was time to lower them back down just a smidge from maintenance? I couldn't do it. I didn't know if I wanted it any more. I mean, YES, I want to be skinnier. I want to fit into nice clothes and look and feel great about myself and my accomplishments. But what if losing this weight only makes me hate my body more?! And what if the people who love me exactly how I am now, don't like me any longer when I'm a slab of loose, baggy skin?! Because I won't likely have the money for any surgery to follow, and I don't have the best of luck with insurance companies.

I have a weigh-in tomorrow at the gym and I want to cry. Because I know I'm going to disappoint Tanner. I had been at least holding pretty steady with my weight, and my body fat % was going down so he knew I was still working, but my body wasn't cooperating scale-wise. But now? I'm going to have to face the failure *I* created this past month. We're going to see a huge spike on the scale and probably a spike in my body fat % as well. And he's going to ask me why and I'm going to have to say, "Because I'm scared to be skinny!"

Starting over again today. Going to try to make it right. Going to try to get through one night without falling apart completely. But I know that I need to change my mindset...I just don't know how. And I keep asking myself, "What worked before?" and, truth is, I don't really know. I've gone from vision collages to refusing to think about the future to just living in the moment to just getting through one workout to setting streaks to setting goals to a million other things. I've always been in constant motion but it's always been from side to side, never back and forth like it is right now.

I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
Who will win is yet to be seen.
I hope it's the athlete...

Why do I wake up each day and keep trying??

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    First, did your tiredness come 3-4 hours after eating the soup? Because that is one of my main "Reactions". Serious tiredness. Like can't sit with my eyes open tiredness.

    And it is hard to stay "motivated". For me, its a matter of determination. I just have to tell myself to shut up and do it. Its tough!
    ~Ang
    3234 days ago
  • PASKALINI
    WOW. I can honestly say I obsess over whether or not I will have a bunch of skin left over as well. I stress about what the after math will look like and if I will need/want skin removal which I KNOW I won't be able to afford. I really hope your inner athlete wins because you deserve it! Is there nothing that can be done about the calcium deposit on your face? If a doctor knew how much mental anguish it was causing it might be classified as medically necessary to remove it? I don't know but it can't hurt to ask. I'm sure your husband and everyone will love you no matter what. Don't lose hope!
    3235 days ago
  • KERLIN26
    I bet you would be surprised to know how many people share your feelings on this. Sending lots of love your way.
    3235 days ago
  • SARAWALKS
    emoticon
    3235 days ago
  • MELLYBEANS0919
    "I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
    The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
    Who will win is yet to be seen.
    I hope it's the athlete... "

    Profound thoughts...and that is me as well. Scared to succeed, and scared to fail.

    I am sorry you are feeling that way, you wrote very honestly which I really appreciate... emoticon
    3235 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Hey, you somehow dropped off my blog subscriptions! I was wondering why you hadn't posted in so long. :-) Glad the swimming is going well. Sorry you're struggling - I feel like you have the same issue I do, of being able to work hard and be disciplined on the exercise side, but not enough willpower on the eating side. I love the quote at the end of your blog - let's remember it!
    3235 days ago
  • NEWSGIRL2177
    I get in my own way all the time, so this really resonated with me. You sound so determined that I really believe you'll get over the hurdles. Look how far you've come already! Rock on, sister.

    3235 days ago
  • CAKEMAKERMOM
    The last time I started to lose weight, my heart just wasn't in it. I had some "what if's" going on, like what if I lose the weight and then the skin sags.

    Well, I'd rather have a little flabby skin than hold onto the weight that was causing knee and back problems.

    You'll never know what if if you never get there to see. Work on seeing one beautiful thing today and add a second tomorrow, eventually you'll see more beauty than flaws. It doesn't matter what you weigh, it's a matter of seeing you for who you are at the time.
    emoticon
    3235 days ago
  • SLFRISBEY
    Oh my, I know where you are. I am scared of giving up the weight myself. I worry that I somehow won't be myself if I miraculously make it down to a size 8 or that I will somehow change too much, which is such a strange irrational fear. I don't really know how to combat it and stop sabotaging myself. I also blogged about this recently but still haven't figured out how to fix it and move past it. If you find the answer, can you share it with me? :) (((hugs)))
    3235 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6210994
    Thank you for this blog. I found it so... resonating. I often have many of the same thoughts.
    3235 days ago
  • MAMADWARF
    I used to be afraid to lose weight and be more attractive, not to my husband, but to other men. I used to joke that god made me fat so I wouldn't be a HO.

    I have always had a flirtatious personality but being fat kept it in the safe range.

    I didn't realize that until I started on spark.

    I can handle it now. So can you. Keep your eyes on the prize, your health and strength.
    Btw, I appreciate your honesty.
    3235 days ago
  • 4EVERADONEGIRL
    This really touches on a cord here...I think so often we hear about the happy foo-foo-la-la of losing weight...but rarely do we ever hear the "ugly truth" of it. It is SO FREAKING MENTAL...this weight loss game. And yes, it is a "game". You have hit on it perfectly. Thank you for your blistering honesty with yourself. I think I'm at the same place as you in a lot of ways. It's time for me to let the athlete win too!!
    3235 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10795864
    Oh my.

    First let me say it is great that you wrote this bog. Not all of us are capable of this kind of introspection and it can be a great beginning to behavior change.

    A few things I learned from my wellness journey. Being in your normal BMI does not equal happiness. All your problems, be they work, family, finance, or anything else related, are still there! Who would have thunk it! And you can't even use food to sooth yourself emotionally any more! Yikes! So every day it is a journey, and while maintaining you go up a little and down a little--right now, I have to shed 7 pounds to get where I want to be.

    Now, about excess skin. I have gained and lost weight forever, but did not start on this so-far-successful journey until May 2009. I will be 64 in less than a month. My calves are good, as is my upper body, but upper arms and midsection, from waist to knees, oh boy.

    I have found that weights help the upper arms, and hooping has helped my waist.

    But, even as I become a senior, I would love to tuck my tummy! I asked my foot surgeon if he did tummy tucks on the side, he looked at me as if I were insane (sigh) and I woke up with a repaired foot but no tummy tuck.

    I think that folks who have lost more than I have do need surgical intervention with the skin.

    Now, finding things wrong with you because you lost weight. Happened to me, including a rather upsetting breast cancer scare. Turned out to be a calcium deposit, but having those in your breast is not good!

    And, during my loss, because of losing fat that produces hormones, I had a recurrence of menopausal hot flashes. Delightful.

    I send you my best wishes to you on your journey. One day at a time. If you have a moment you might also want to read my review of a book on Positive Psychology on my blog page. Interesting stuff.


    emoticon
    3235 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    I know exactly how you feel. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have done this to me. A plateau can be a plateau, but now everytime I lose 10 pounds, I immediately gain it back and I really think that it has to do with me being uncertain of a thinner future. When I have spent the last 20 years asking for tables not booths, avoiding theaters, not fitting in with others, what happens when all that changes? Who am I then? It's kind of scarey. And I am working through it. And I actually emailed someone yesterday and told them I was just coming to terms with the fact that I may be the only 800 pound person who lifts weights 3 times a week and walks 3 miles. But, I am not giving up on me athletically, and I am going to figure out the food thing...dammit!
    3235 days ago
  • MY9STONEJOURNEY
    I thank you for sharing this!! I love your honesty!! Alot of your thoughts and fears are share by so many!! I know me for sure. So here is to us shaking this funk that we are in and to a AWESOME week ahead!!!

    You have done an amazing job! Despite the road blocks and set backs YOU ROCK!!!!

    emoticon Steph
    3235 days ago
  • MIZCATHI
    Our effort to correct what is wrong is a struggle, and there are always many variables in the equation. What were the factors that contributed to the weight gain vs how to change those factors.

    At 31 you are in a hurry, that is natural, but when you are my age (58), you look back and see all the time you wasted with excuses and worry.

    I'm not saying you are making excuses, because clearly you are staring down at your health and all of your fears and working through them. At 31 I had a million excuses and a thousand tomorrows. I tried, yes, but not hard enough. I wasn't willing to put in the work for long, and now I am paying the piper.

    You may have done some damage to your skin, but certainly not to the extent that you will if the weight stays on for another 25 years. Maybe you'll want or need surgery, maybe you won't. However, you will reap the rewards of getting that poison off your body now rather than stewing about the whys and why nots.

    The people that love the core you will still love you. The only things that will change as you get closer to your goal self are the traits like determination and your ability to love yourself. You will be forced to accomplish more than you can while you are overweight, and then the real work will begin.

    You are a lovely girl. Celebrate who you are now by taking care of yourself and giving yourself positive messages. You may save yourself a lot of heartache down the road.

    Cat
    3235 days ago
  • ACCT1908
    I totally get how you are feeling. i feel like I have permanently ruined my body. yes the weight is going...but the aftermath is not pretty.

    I look at some people's pix and think wow look how their body bounced back. Mine not so much. But still I'll take it over the weight any day.

    If that means no bikini's ever, so be it. Guess it's just a consequence of obesity.

    I hope you find peace in your journey soon.
    3235 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/26/2012 9:28:53 AM
  • CHARMED34
    Because the possibilities are endless, losing weight is terrifying to me as well. I don't know that I am in a position to give any advise, but your honesty is amazing. Your self reflection is what will see you through this time. So much of losing weight for me has been dealing with the things in my mind. Try not to focus on the end result when the fear comes upon you, but on the smaller everyday things that losing weight is helping you to accomplish. emoticon
    3235 days ago
  • HEALTHYASHLEY
    I am going through so much of these same things. I feel like it is shallow to want to be hot for one time in my life but I am 99% sure I am going to need some type of skin surgery and even then will I look normal? I don't expect to be a bikini model but it would be nice to wear a dress and not feel self conscious. To look in a mirror and be happy at a weight.

    You are inspirational and I know you can break this funk. It does suck to feel jiggly but it is better than barely fitting into chairs like I once was. Keep it up.
    3235 days ago
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