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Becoming

Friday, June 22, 2012

Time has been a big factor in my life, probably forever. I was always looking back to a prior time when I wanted to be elsewhere, someone else, doing something else . . . . I knew then (and now) that was not going to happen. To quote Popeye, "I yam what I yam."

My next question was, "Is that enough?" Clearly, at an earlier time in my life, the answer was an unequivocal and resounding, "NO." In my leisurely stroll through this life, one thing has become amazingly clear and that's the fact that, for me, this "me" is the real me. I can't be anyone else. I have faults--indeed, I do--but they are MY faults. Today, at this time, I can own them without wishing them away or wanting to be someone else. Though I know there's always room for improvement, maybe I'll "fix" the faults and maybe I won't. Either way, I'm still okay.

This was not something that happened overnight. From the time I was young, I was separated out--family, school, work, church--because of my weight. I laughed, no matter how much it hurt--and it did hurt. I could say that it wasn't my fault even at a tender, young age--the overweight. I internalized all of the comments and I thought if I were someone else I couldn't/wouldn't be hurt again. Every comment--insult or compliment--contained a conditional "but" with an obvious reference to my size. The big "but" for me is that I am not capable of becoming someone else; I'm stuck. And so I've been for most of my life--stuck in the misery with, apparently, no way out.

A huge (and painful) aha for me happened a few years before I retired. A colleague and friend, who was more like a brother, verbally assaulted me, accusing me of things I had not done. I cried, wished I could be somewhere else, yet remained silent. The truth was that, at that time, I had no truth. I had no voice because I'd never learned to use it. I did not know how to speak up because I was afraid of offending others. Don't misunderstand. I still grovelled, trying to get his approval, pretending it didn't really happen. Well, it did happen. I could accept the bullying and leave myself in a position where I would invite similar behavior on future occasions, OR I could find the strength to speak up. emoticon You teach people how to treat you. I turned to other friends who would support me, but I understood, in my late 50's, that people who abuse or mistreat you are not friends--not by any stretch of the imagination. It was a beginning.

I've made so many beginnings and many of them have been centered around my scales. I know today that I am worthy of the wonderful people in my life, of what I've earned, of the talents I have and share. But the one thing I'm the most proud of is this: no one can be a better me!! I'm it. I AM ME--like me or not--I AM ME.

Kathy emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SMILES650
    Well said, I can comprehend EVERYTHING you said! Today, I like me, and I don't really care what anyone else thinks (but because I like me, they tend to too!).
    2696 days ago
  • TRAVELER71
    I think all of us can relate to some of your feelings and unfortunately, it usually takes age to become comfortable with yourself and happy with who you are. Just remember...you're stronger than you think you are!
    2701 days ago
  • ELLEJAY7
    What a wonderful blog. It's hard to think this way every day all the time. I am struggling but getting there. Thanks for your eloquent words!
    2701 days ago
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