Crashing – continued
Friday, June 22, 2012
First – thanks for all kind comments on yesterdays blog - it really helps to get acknowledgement for my experiences and to know that I am not alone.
I went to our aca meeting (Adult children of alcoholics) yesterday – it was only m e and another guy so we did not do the routines but shared and listened for an hour.
That guy has a horrible history – among other things he did find his alcoholic father with his head blown off – suicide with a gun. He has been suffering from depressions and is becoming an alcoholic – but through our group he is finding meaning and confidence and it is really wonderful to see him grow and get happier.
He told me that he used to hate a workmate who had the same lunchbox every day - macaroni and sausage (baloney?) and ketchup... every day the same. And he was so irritated with this.
I was stunned – that lunch box had nothing to do with him, he did not have to eat it, it did not smell, the colleague did not comment or .. to my mind he was minding his own business and not disturbing anyone else.
But my aca friend used to get very irritated every day when he saw this lunchbox...
he was also very annoyed with a friend who was a little nerdy on horses - he bet on them, followed them on teve, talked a lot about what horses that would run successful etc. That I can understand, people who talks about things you are not interested in can be irritating if you have to listen to them. But the macaroni...?
ANd he told me that these feelings had disappeared as he was gaining confidence and felt better about himself and his life.
I asked him if he would have listened if I had questioned his aggression with the macaroni and argued to make him see that it was not healthy to care... and of course he would not have listened because it had nothing to do with intellectual arguments...
And this is my brother in a nutshell, he gets very annoyed and irritated with people around him and I always think that I could reason with him and make him see that it is only hurting himself. I still really don´t know how to handle this when we meet, I have to decide what my boundaries are, how much of this I can stand and where I should put my foot down and say no...
The reason he hurt me was of course because I agree with him - I feel really awful because the situation is what it is and I can´t change it although I tried. I blame myself for not foreseeing this, on the other hand, had I done so I would never had moved and I do not know what that had meant. I was really desperate when I decided to move, I had no money, no work, I was getting older and weaker and I really needed to do something to support myself. The opportunities that has emerged from me moving has been wonderful, I have this great job, I have this really funny thing with the theatre it is "only" missing everyday life with my daughter that I really miss. And hating myself for not being able to accept it.
Anyway, this guy helped me to understand that I con´t have to think about how to deal with my brother - it has nothing to do with me, I can´t change him, I can love him as the wonderful brother he is and let go of the things I don´t want...
I also had my tow hook fixed yesterday, it is made impossible to use (they welded a nut on top of it) and now I have to have it inspected again but this means that I can drive this car another year and save up money to get a new one during that time.
I also spent an hour to talk with the friend who has breastcancer - she has gotten her third chemo, she has lot all the hair BUT gets tremendous comfort from the baseball hat I got her - I bought it for myself when I was going into chemo - it is not for "bad hair" days but for "no hair" days and has the motto "Cancer sucks" on it. I never got to use it with it´s full potential as I never lost all the hair, but my friend loves to have it on her bald head and see people get unsure whether to laugh or cry... it gives her strength and I am happy for it. My phone call also helped, I focused on talking about interesting things, about business subjects (she is running a pancake-restaurant with her husband, very successfully) and other stuff that inspires her. When we started to talk she had nausea but told me after an hour that she had forgotten about it. I feel good about myself then, AND of course it was not all "the good samaritan" actions, I enjoyed the conversation too – what I did was inventing myself for the good and interesting things I know about and talked about them and I did not pity or comfort her with telling her that it would be okay, I> merely told her that the present stage of her treatment is really bad, it is the worst she will have to endure, afterwards she has this ..x-ray? coming and it is really a piece of cake compared.
SHe had been kind of happy because she was halfway through the chemo – when the nurses told her that she would get another "cocktail" next time with sideeffects of blisters in hands, weight-gain (lots of cortisone) joint aches and more..WHY do they do this? Now she has three weeks to fear the upcoming chemo - they could have told her a couple of days in advance.
I have forgotten how bad chemo was, I know intellectually that it was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life, it was really really hard to try to keep hope up. But I survived and I would of course do it again if I had to.
To day is midsummer eve in sweden, big holiday. I thought it was next week so I was kind of surprised at work yesterday when I realised that today was free.
I renewed the deal with the friend about spending half an hour with housecleaning every day - I have really slacked since I came back from my course and it is all a mess again. But first I will make doggy happy by taking him for at least an hours walk in the woods!