Not all rock bottoms look the same
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Before you get all excited and look for pictures, by rock bottoms I don't mean buns of steel. I mean that place in your life that feels like the ultimate low and you have to change to survive... or else (dun dun dun duuuuuun). I realized today that I may very well be at mine and that knocked some sense into me.
Compared to many rock bottoms, I'm pretty well off. I'm not living in a gutter, I am not stealing to feed my Cheetos habit, and I'm not sewing my own clothes out of king size bed sheets. My rock bottom is on the inside so you wouldn't know about it unless I told you. My depression, while still treated, has progressively gotten worse lately and I don't want to take more medication. I think I'm pre-diabetic, and every time I eat or drink more than a small amount of carbs my heart pounds and my arteries throb almost painfully with it. My asthma is getting worse. My joints creak and ache. I can't get comfortable in bed so I sleep horribly. And all those added up put me at the bottom of a pretty deep, dark hole.
I can't tolerate a victim mentality, so I wallowed for a couple of minutes, collected my thoughts, and stood up from my desk (yes, it happened while at work). I admitted I had to take some action, any action, or else I was making myself a victim of my own self-loathing. I have a total gym band contraption attached to my office door (which I've never used) so I spent 15 minutes doing arms and legs. Then I looked on SP and saved a few short, office-appropriate workout videos to take advantage of my brief and fleeting periods of down time. And then I chose my reward for losing my first 50 lbs (I have 100 to lose), a fabulous diamond ring.
Now the hard part. What is my plan to make it happen? I know I won't succeed without a real plan. So I entered in all my food for the day except for dinner, and now I know what I can do come dinner time. I scheduled daily work out times on my calendar, with reminders that will blow up every computer and phone I have. I have the SP videos saved for easy access. And I'm writing this blog and being honest with myself about how dire it is that I do this now, not later.
I don't like being in this deep, dark hole and I'm beginning my fight to get out. I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I want to blame someone besides myself because that means I wasn't responsible for the mess I'm in. I want an easy answer. I can't have those wants if I want to be successful this time and I really do want that more. I want a lot of things that would be very good for me to have.
I want to feel sexy naked.
I want to strut around in a bikini and look hot.
I want my depression to go away.
I want to breathe freely.
I want to not think about maybe being diabetic.
I want to stop chafing when I walk.
I want to shop for a normal bra size.
I want to actually wear all the clothes I have packed away for "when I lose weight."
I have so many good wants that it's really about time I do something about them. So I am. Finally.