Saturday, June 09, 2012
Lately, I have not been happy with myself. Both mentally and physically, I have just been unsatisfied. I can't stop beating myself up mentally through negative thinking and physically I can't stop stuffing my face with food that will "comfort me" ... I'm still trying to figure out why they call it comfort food when it only makes me miserable shortly after?
And what guarantee is there that I'll be happier with myself after 30 lbs? After 60? 90? 100? My struggles are mainly mental... I fear that no matter the weight I am or the energy level I am, I will not be happy.
I am not doing this to complain. I just want to write this to let anyone reading know where I'm at, I guess. I am at a place right now where I know I have a choice and I have to make it to really move forward. Do I put my heart and mind into this weight loss or do I half-heartedly try this summer? I need peace that this really will work for the better for me. That I CAN do this. I need something other than a physical motivation -- bribes, contests, deals, etc, just aren't going to work for me anymore. While I know that God is my #1 reason for doing this, I can't seem to hold onto that motivation either...
I almost broke down crying today trying to find an outfit to wear to a family gathering because nothing fit and I felt FAT in everything. I felt like a fat cow and I HATE when I get to that point.
Shouldn't that be motivation enough that ANYTHING is better than where I am right now?
I guess I just want some encouragement and reassurance that I don't have to just give up when I'm feeling unmotivated.
Maybe that's what I need to do... I need to make my motivation be finding a motivator. If I give up, I will never find a reason to keep moving forward...
So here's to finding a motivator (and trying not to whine anymore while doing it).