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Overcoming insecurities

Monday, May 21, 2012

I have always been an insecure person. It likely stems from my mother always telling me I was a worthless piece of crap, and the mental and physical abuse I endured as a child. It didn't help to have what was thought to be a close friend remind you that you aren't good enough, that she is better in every way. I often trust people, more than I should, and put my self down regularly.
I really noticed I have a problem about a year ago and have been working on my confidence ever since. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I get so worried about things that It eats me up inside.
Like last week, I felt my life was spiraling into total chaos and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like I am failing at being a parent, that I am not good enough to raise my children with the proper values to succeed in life. I felt like I wasn't a good enough wife and that my husband would leave. I felt that I am not pretty, or have a nice figure, despite all my efforts. I find that I look to others for approval. Does my outfit look ok, do you like my hair, is the dinner I made ok, are you sure?
I hate this part of me. I spent most of every day last week crying uncontrollably because of it and I hate that!
I want to be confident! Bubbly and bold! Be sure of my self in my relationship, my parenting, my friendships, even down to my riding and I have ridden since I could walk.
I got to the new barn and would only ride when nobody was there because I was afraid somebody would tell me I wasn't good enough. How STUPID is that?? Why do I do these things to my self? Why do I care what EVERYBODY thinks about me? I truly HATE feeling this way but don't know how to stop it.

I am really making a strong effort to overcome these insecurities. I noticed that I am more secure in my running though. Ever since I started training my my self and running races by my self I feel much more confident. I don't have somebody to hold back, or hold me back. I have PRed and did it on my own. That meant a lot to me. I actually don't feel akward anymore when somebody tells me that they look up to me with my running. Granted, I am not the best or fastest runner but I get it done and that's what counts.
This past weekend I had an awesome date night with my hubby. I actually went and bought a sassy little dress and some cute sandals, curled my hair and all. Normally, I would ask Mike if I look ok, are you sure? Maybe I should change. I don't look good in a dress, my legs are too big... But this time I didn't. I wanted to, but didn't. After we were out and on the way to dinner he said I looked really nice. That was awesome! He said it a few times actually and I needed that! He said it without my asking!

This morning at the Y my plan called for pullups. I know I can't do them so I wasn't going to try. My friend Kris made me at least attempt it but it took about 10 minutes of looking around waiting for nobody to watch me fail. I tried, honestly, and couldn't do them so I asked for another option. The guy at the Y found an option for me but I was too shy to try it, until another 10 minutes he made me. That was the push I needed. I got all 3 sets done!

I know this won't fix it's self over night but I am trying. I am trying because I HATE feeling like I am not good enough.
SO....if you read my blogs in the future and see me beating up on my self. Yell at me! lol!
Tell me to stop being so insecure and wear my big girl panties and not care what others think. LOL!

The first step in making a change is to admit you have an issue and find a way to overcome it. I WILL overcome it!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for such tremendous heart in your honest blog, hitting on feelings that so many of us may have.

    My office has a free gym that I don't use, because my working relationships might be diminished if someone saw me in all my sweaty fatness. And because they'd see me in the office Not Working.

    I won't do the pilates that I so desperately need for my hip's health if Anyone else in the house, because I think I don't deserve spending that time on myself. For this reason, I also run in the early mornings or don't run at all.

    But real.
    Takin' it on ever day!
    3267 days ago
    I feel insecure all the time and I think it steps from an overly critical, harsh upbringing, combined with sensitive personality-LOL! I can really, really relate. I actually am okay at the gym- my 2nd home, but professionally? I always think of myself as stupid, even though I KNOW I am just as smart as everyone else. I LOVE the enthusiams you are putting forth in being more confident and comfortable in and with yourself! And way to go on looking hot for DH! Funny you mentioned buying a dress, because I am doing that this week-end. I'll let you know what mine said-LOL!

    Have a great Memorial Day!
    3273 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4166978
    Wow...you took the words right out of my mouth. These are the exact same feelings that I've felt my entire life.

    Thank you for sharing your story, and letting me know that I am not the only one!

    3274 days ago
    I think you're amazing, and you're definitely not alone!! Watching you grow over the years has been so inspiring! You are an AMAZING woman!! Great job stepping out of your comfort zone!!

    Hugs to you and I can't wait to catch up!! Miss you!! xoxo
    3276 days ago
    Sharon always knows what to say! We definitely all feel like this sometimes. You just have to push through the little things. So much of life is wasted worrying about what others think rather than just enjoying yourself. Fake it til you make it baby! Much like running, getting started is the hardest part!
    3276 days ago
    Awww, Sueann! I'm so sorry you feel this way. I don't think that you come off as insecure in person at all! You do a good job of hiding it, because all I have ever seen when I've met you is a confident and bubbly person.

    If it's any consolation, I feel very insecure all the time as well. I think it's natural for people who are high achievers to feel doubt. It's scary to try new things with the possibility of failure. Every time I show up at a race, I think that people ar looking at me and thinking, "SHE runs?!". I second guess myself at work all the time, both about my work product and whether or not people think I'm working hard enough. Anytime I go someplace and there are people there I don't know, my first instinct is to turn around and leave because I'm so sure people will be mean to me!

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone! You have some good company in that insecurity! Hang in there and keep telling yourself "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" (remember that from SNL? Stuart Smalley??)

    3276 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12422581
    I wish I could give you a HUGE HUG right now! First of all, I think you are one of the bravest, most awesome people I know for even ADMITTING what you just did!!! That is NO easy task & it takes a SECURE person to do that. It's easy to play that tape player in your head of mean/hurtful things people in our lives have said/continued to say & believe every word of it. I've been there too many times myself...just ask my poor DH... :)

    But, you know what? If it is easy to think of the haters in your head & believe their lies, then, it should be just as easy to think of the people who support you & believe in YOU! With anything else, it takes practice & tenacity. & over time, it will become 2nd nature for you. It's just like your fitness goals. Look at how far you've come! You make steady progress towards change.

    Like everyone else here is saying, change your focus on the positives in your life. It sounds like you have many to start with! What helps me is writing in a gratitude journal,writing positive affirmations every AM & now logging onto SP!

    Remember this: You are a strong & beautiful person! Be PROUD! You are a winner!

    x o x o
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3277 days ago
    All I have to say is.... I love you, girl!!
    3277 days ago
  • LAURIE5658
    Sueann, let's just say that you and I could sit down and chat and brain dump regarding this issue for a long time. You are not alone and please take comfort in knowing that.

    YOU are one AWESOME individual and I cannot convey what you mean to me.

    THANK YOU for being you.

    3277 days ago

    I wish I had magical words to sprinkle on your head and make you see what the rest of us sees. You are strong and beautiful. You are talented in so many ways. You do things I would never even dream of doing.

    You are you and there is no one better at being you than you.

    I think we are all very insecure and want reassurances that we are what we hope others see us as. I don't believe anyone is immune from this...they may say they are, but down deep they wonder what others think of them.

    You will get it...sooner rather than later, but you are working on it.

    Love you.

    3277 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12311065
    You will overcome it and you can overcome it. Think positive. List all the positive qualities that you admire about yourself, even if it's just I like my hair. When you do that, focus just on those positives. The more you pay attention to the positive aspects of you, the least you will notice the negative. You can do this! I am sure you are a great mom and wife. The more positive you think of yourself, the more you will impact your family in a positive way.

    3277 days ago
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