Thoughts from insinde
Friday, May 18, 2012
Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a Butterfly Exhibit. It is kind of like a zoo for butter flies. Well not really, but that is how I think I can best describe it. There is a lab where butterflies are breed and another building that is a habitat for the butterflies. I went with a group of kids. The butterflies land on the visitors. It is wonderful to watch. There are so many kinds and colors of butterflies, it was amazing.
I loved all the colors and variations. I have had a period of self doubt recently. Some things in my life stress me. Some of the stress is due to changes. Some due to the fact that I wish for more money. But, I really feel the value of my staying out of the traditional workplace right now. So I really don't know what I want. There is lots of change happening in my life.
I am first and above all else a mother. But, 3 out of 6 children are graduated from HS and thereby incharge of their own life. At least to a certain degree. I can see the changes in my roll. I still have one in grade school, one in middle school and one in high school. So while it is changing it is also still the same as it has always been. But, my youngest went to kinder this year. So I have time unstructured. Also my son who served an LDS mission finished last week. That brings about change and contemplation.
I am being shown in several ways that I am OK as I am. I have been taught that my best was always good enough but, I guess I struggle with believing it. I do many things in church and for my kids that are out of my comfort zone.
Last week on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday my little guy was sick. I was taking care of him and sleep deprived because he was awake at night sick. He went back to school on Wednesday. I then in my effort to clean and organize had lost the travel plans for my son coming home. I spent 2 hours on the night before he was going to come home looking for the papers. I finally called a friend who had a son flying with my son. We got the travel information. They had gotten an email too. My email address had been incorrect so I never received the email. My son just younger than the returning one said , while I was stressing, "Mom don't clean for me it is not worth it." I wanted to cry. The house was a mess from little guy being sick and me "looking" and I was tired. I calmed down. Did a little bit and went to bed. My son reminded me that we had lived with the returning son for 19 years before he left. He was just glad to be home. With in just a short amount of time he and I got the cleaning done the next day and tackled part of a project that I have been intending to do since our family moved here. The stuff that we have never brought into the house. Yikes!
He was still accepting of me has his mom and our family. He was happy here. It has been great to have him back. Sometimes I seem to think I am the sum of my faults. That is not a happy way to look at one's self.
I tend to think I have a lot missing and I am missing out on a lot of experiences when I change my ways.
What if I realize that I am enough right now? Can I include my faults in that realization?
I think as I understand that I am enough it will make it easier to say to others that I am making changes to improve my health without judgement. It is not like they cannot see that I am fat. But, I can admit that I am changing. That has been harder than just pretending I have no problems.
If I realize that I am enough. If I realize that I have enough then I might just be able to look at the choices I am making in a different light. I like the idea of that.
There are so many variations for creations in this world with we can spend a lot of time in awe and wonder at the miracles of it all. We, each one of us are miracles too.
Last night I attended a concert in which my son preformed. He is a high school level musician. This was for the Jazz choir. My son sings and plays trombone. He learned to play the piano enough last night to accompany his friends in a really fun song. I think he was playing chores but, he somehow either has not fear or just ignored it. I love the attitude. I know I have played a part in teaching that. I just need to learn my own lesson. Mother myself like I have mothered them.
We are enough and we can do this.