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Thoughts from insinde

Friday, May 18, 2012

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a Butterfly Exhibit. It is kind of like a zoo for butter flies. Well not really, but that is how I think I can best describe it. There is a lab where butterflies are breed and another building that is a habitat for the butterflies. I went with a group of kids. The butterflies land on the visitors. It is wonderful to watch. There are so many kinds and colors of butterflies, it was amazing.

I loved all the colors and variations. I have had a period of self doubt recently. Some things in my life stress me. Some of the stress is due to changes. Some due to the fact that I wish for more money. But, I really feel the value of my staying out of the traditional workplace right now. So I really don't know what I want. There is lots of change happening in my life.

I am first and above all else a mother. But, 3 out of 6 children are graduated from HS and thereby incharge of their own life. At least to a certain degree. I can see the changes in my roll. I still have one in grade school, one in middle school and one in high school. So while it is changing it is also still the same as it has always been. But, my youngest went to kinder this year. So I have time unstructured. Also my son who served an LDS mission finished last week. That brings about change and contemplation.

I am being shown in several ways that I am OK as I am. I have been taught that my best was always good enough but, I guess I struggle with believing it. I do many things in church and for my kids that are out of my comfort zone.

Last week on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday my little guy was sick. I was taking care of him and sleep deprived because he was awake at night sick. He went back to school on Wednesday. I then in my effort to clean and organize had lost the travel plans for my son coming home. I spent 2 hours on the night before he was going to come home looking for the papers. I finally called a friend who had a son flying with my son. We got the travel information. They had gotten an email too. My email address had been incorrect so I never received the email. My son just younger than the returning one said , while I was stressing, "Mom don't clean for me it is not worth it." I wanted to cry. The house was a mess from little guy being sick and me "looking" and I was tired. I calmed down. Did a little bit and went to bed. My son reminded me that we had lived with the returning son for 19 years before he left. He was just glad to be home. With in just a short amount of time he and I got the cleaning done the next day and tackled part of a project that I have been intending to do since our family moved here. The stuff that we have never brought into the house. Yikes!

He was still accepting of me has his mom and our family. He was happy here. It has been great to have him back. Sometimes I seem to think I am the sum of my faults. That is not a happy way to look at one's self.

I tend to think I have a lot missing and I am missing out on a lot of experiences when I change my ways.

What if I realize that I am enough right now? Can I include my faults in that realization?
I think as I understand that I am enough it will make it easier to say to others that I am making changes to improve my health without judgement. It is not like they cannot see that I am fat. But, I can admit that I am changing. That has been harder than just pretending I have no problems.

If I realize that I am enough. If I realize that I have enough then I might just be able to look at the choices I am making in a different light. I like the idea of that.

There are so many variations for creations in this world with we can spend a lot of time in awe and wonder at the miracles of it all. We, each one of us are miracles too.

Last night I attended a concert in which my son preformed. He is a high school level musician. This was for the Jazz choir. My son sings and plays trombone. He learned to play the piano enough last night to accompany his friends in a really fun song. I think he was playing chores but, he somehow either has not fear or just ignored it. I love the attitude. I know I have played a part in teaching that. I just need to learn my own lesson. Mother myself like I have mothered them.

We are enough and we can do this.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JCDUBEA63
    Pam self doubt is in everyone but know that no one is perfect and u are doing the best that u can do!! U have raised ur children to the best of ur ability and they sound like awesome children and young men!! BELIEVE in urself because u are a strong mother wife and friend u are an awesome women!! Keep ur head held up high and keep pushing for a healthy life and everything else will fall in place!!
    3310 days ago
  • NANCY-
    Ah I too have had great expectations of myself. Just know your are loved for who you are. This transition time is a bit unsettling, but you will settle into your changing role. My boys are now men, two still live at home. When did the switch flip and they became men, I'm not sure, but it affords me time to be me. Yes I am still MOM, but my constant vigilance is not needed, if I have done my parenting job well, I should believe that they are good men and let them live their lives.
    Letting go and accepting the changes is tough, but now more time is available for you to be you,
    emoticon
    3312 days ago
  • STRINGS58
    Man, you have to give yourself credit for all the love you put out in the world! You are still really, really busy.
    The universe knows you are worth it. There is no question of that. Drop all those assessment scales in your head. You are caring for people and that job is one of the highest duties out there. You are beyond good enough because you are vital and anything, everything you do is fantastic and on-target.
    Every day, know your life source, and that is worthwhile right there. Then just decide what adventure you want to tackle that day. You already know how to pivot (change directions) because you have to learn that skill raising children. You have all the tools you need. Take time to enjoy the moment.
    3312 days ago
  • HELENTORTOISE
    Pam, whether you notice it or not, everybody has periods of self-doubt, everybody goes through that time where we don't feel good enough, whether we are disorganised, fat, untidy or whatever. I am all three!

    You are still bringing up young children, you're a successful Mum of 6, what a great job you have done. Everything else can wait.
    emoticon
    3312 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/20/2012 3:39:21 AM
  • CINDYKC2000
    Pam you are so right. We are enough! No one is perfect. All we can do is what we can do at that moment.
    3313 days ago
  • ECOAGE
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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    3313 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6232784
    emoticon ....yes we are enough. Sometimes we are our worst critics, but our kids show us the true meaning of unconditional love!
    3313 days ago
  • NOTGIVINGUP49
    You ARE good enough just as you are! I started to learn to believe it about myself when I kept telling others what I needed to hear! It reflected back to me and then I started to internalize what I was telling others. You ARE enough! You ARE good enough! emoticon
    3314 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    We are enough. You are right.

    Sounds like the concert was great and you are so proud of your son!
    emoticon
    3314 days ago
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