Anyone have some valium?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
No rainbows and unicorns in this one guys, sorry. And this is a bit of a rant, so here goes:
This is such a stupid "problem " and most will think it is so trivial, but I have had very few things cause me so much anxiety and loss of sleep and now I can't stop bawling, I can't. This makes the whole symphony decision seem like picking a flavor of ice cream.
Those of you who know me, know how much I love my job. I LOVE my job. How many people can say that after they have worked somewhere for almost twelve years? I work for a non-profit, so the pay is little (but not horrible) and the reward is everything. I love my job...sorry, I keep saying that.
Last week, my best friend had asked about a similar job (government job and with a little more responsibility and a lot more stress) that pays much more. I talked her out of applying as she likes her current job, but hates her boss (her reason for wanting to leave is that everyone else except for the "evil boss" is quitting). I explained that the job that she was thinking about was not stable and high stress. Who wants that?!? That was on Friday.
On Monday, a friend of mine who works at that unstable but better paying job called me and asked why I hadn't applied. I had less than 4 hours to do so and I did...against my better judgement. OK, really. Who is going to really look at a poorly written application and resume that were put together in a matter of minutes?
The reason I applied...the $3/hr pay increase. It would mean so much to DH and it would help us out tremendously. We could maybe actually afford to adopt. I could pay off my student loans, our house... The benefits are also a lot better than what we currently have.
So why am I so torn? This should be way easy. But as soon as I had turned that application in, I had buyers remorse...worse. Was I feeling guilty because I talked BFF out of applying? Or was it the dark side of the job (the instability, the stress, the pager, etc) that cause this? I felt sick. When I went to bed, I started thinking and couldn't stop. I couldn't breath. I definitely couldn't sleep. The last time I look at the clock it was just before 2am...I get up at 4:40am at the absolute latest. I have since not slept well and have certainly not caught up.
The other part of this story is that we have been doing some restructuring where I work and my opinions and ideas were well respected, used and I was given credit in front of top management and board members. I later (this was early last week...even before I had heard about this other job) spoke with my boss about several issues. We were pretty frank and she described some people at work as just being there because it was a job. She recognized my efforts there and thanked me. I again reiterated that I love my job. Longevity came into the discussion and her concerns of losing good staff; I reassured her that I planned on being there a long time (I think I even used the word "forever"). OMG, I'm a liar now, too! I did believe that when I said that. In fact, I don't want to leave. And I certainly don't want to alienate the people I work for, not even by them finding out about the application...and it may be too late for that.
I could argue that I could be a better advocate for my company by advocating and NOT working there. But that is about the only positive that I can find in this. That and the money...and money surely isn't everything. Lots of people get paid well and hate their job, I could do that, but do I want that? Do I want to worry every day if I will have a job tomorrow?
I could love my job and continue with the same status quo and struggle financially (which, really isn't so bad).
So why has this all blown up, especially tonight? They called me. They called me once while I was at work...and they called me again when I was home. I froze. I couldn't answer the phone and made up excuses (I was changing my clothes AND making dinner -loudly- at the same time...and I was). They said that the applications would be reviewed within the next 4-8 weeks and stressed that it would take time. I took solace in knowing that I'd have time to really consider this. Where the hell is my time????? It's been three days! And that application and resume that I completed in minutes...really?? OK, crying again.
I need a sign, some kind of divine intervention. And I can't even make a sound decision (and this probably all seems worse than it is) because I need sleep. AND I need some friggin valium! Anyone???
Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading this rant. I'm not even sure if this is making any sense anymore, so I am just gonna stop.