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Anyone have some valium?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

No rainbows and unicorns in this one guys, sorry. And this is a bit of a rant, so here goes:

This is such a stupid "problem " and most will think it is so trivial, but I have had very few things cause me so much anxiety and loss of sleep and now I can't stop bawling, I can't. This makes the whole symphony decision seem like picking a flavor of ice cream.

Those of you who know me, know how much I love my job. I LOVE my job. How many people can say that after they have worked somewhere for almost twelve years? I work for a non-profit, so the pay is little (but not horrible) and the reward is everything. I love my job...sorry, I keep saying that.

Last week, my best friend had asked about a similar job (government job and with a little more responsibility and a lot more stress) that pays much more. I talked her out of applying as she likes her current job, but hates her boss (her reason for wanting to leave is that everyone else except for the "evil boss" is quitting). I explained that the job that she was thinking about was not stable and high stress. Who wants that?!? That was on Friday.

On Monday, a friend of mine who works at that unstable but better paying job called me and asked why I hadn't applied. I had less than 4 hours to do so and I did...against my better judgement. OK, really. Who is going to really look at a poorly written application and resume that were put together in a matter of minutes?

The reason I applied...the $3/hr pay increase. It would mean so much to DH and it would help us out tremendously. We could maybe actually afford to adopt. I could pay off my student loans, our house... The benefits are also a lot better than what we currently have.

So why am I so torn? This should be way easy. But as soon as I had turned that application in, I had buyers remorse...worse. Was I feeling guilty because I talked BFF out of applying? Or was it the dark side of the job (the instability, the stress, the pager, etc) that cause this? I felt sick. When I went to bed, I started thinking and couldn't stop. I couldn't breath. I definitely couldn't sleep. The last time I look at the clock it was just before 2am...I get up at 4:40am at the absolute latest. I have since not slept well and have certainly not caught up.

The other part of this story is that we have been doing some restructuring where I work and my opinions and ideas were well respected, used and I was given credit in front of top management and board members. I later (this was early last week...even before I had heard about this other job) spoke with my boss about several issues. We were pretty frank and she described some people at work as just being there because it was a job. She recognized my efforts there and thanked me. I again reiterated that I love my job. Longevity came into the discussion and her concerns of losing good staff; I reassured her that I planned on being there a long time (I think I even used the word "forever"). OMG, I'm a liar now, too! I did believe that when I said that. In fact, I don't want to leave. And I certainly don't want to alienate the people I work for, not even by them finding out about the application...and it may be too late for that.

I could argue that I could be a better advocate for my company by advocating and NOT working there. But that is about the only positive that I can find in this. That and the money...and money surely isn't everything. Lots of people get paid well and hate their job, I could do that, but do I want that? Do I want to worry every day if I will have a job tomorrow?

I could love my job and continue with the same status quo and struggle financially (which, really isn't so bad).

So why has this all blown up, especially tonight? They called me. They called me once while I was at work...and they called me again when I was home. I froze. I couldn't answer the phone and made up excuses (I was changing my clothes AND making dinner -loudly- at the same time...and I was). They said that the applications would be reviewed within the next 4-8 weeks and stressed that it would take time. I took solace in knowing that I'd have time to really consider this. Where the hell is my time????? It's been three days! And that application and resume that I completed in minutes...really?? OK, crying again.

I need a sign, some kind of divine intervention. And I can't even make a sound decision (and this probably all seems worse than it is) because I need sleep. AND I need some friggin valium! Anyone???

Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading this rant. I'm not even sure if this is making any sense anymore, so I am just gonna stop.
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    I hope that you have answers by now, but if not here goes. I applied for and was offered the perfect job without guilt or remorse. It would have just required me moving 6 hours from elderly parents and newly married daughter. I had the same knife in the gut feeling. When I made the decision to turn down the job relief washed over me. I went back to the hated substitute teaching. A year later I was offered a better dream job in my home town within walking distance of my parents. I was able to be with them during their last years and I was able to help my daughter when she got a divorce six months later because he decided to hit her. So I say listen to that voice even if you do not know what it is saying. The first thing would be to come clean with your friend. Appologize, grovel let her know why you changed your mind and give her a chance to apply for the job too should she change her mind. Don't worry about your boss yet. You may not need to do anything about that. HUGS.
    3314 days ago
    Speaking as someone who has been laid off twice in her life and currently works at a place that threatens lay-offs every year......I'd stick with stability. Sometimes I'm so stressed I feel like I'm getting an ulcer (I'm not, but it feels that way) If I could take a pay cut in exchange for stability I would completely do it. That being said....you gotta do what's right for you. I would also consider how well you deal with stress into the equation. If you deal well, maybe everything would be fine. As another option, what about keeping your current job and getting another part time (1-2 days a week) job to make some extra cash? I have my fingers crossed for you that everything works out okay.
    3314 days ago
    I think in your heart you know what you need to do. (And, no, it isn't the Valium route.)

    While the new job may offer more money and better benefits, is it worth your health (physical and mental)? What would your BFF see it as?

    What do you stand to gain vs what would you stand to lose?

    As you said, 'money is nice', but is it enough to give up on things that mean something to you?

    The only one who can answer that question is you.

    Best of luck in whatever decision you make. I do offer one bit of advice, though. If you're going to move forward with the job I strongly suggest you speak to BFF before and hope that they understand.

    I think you need to be frank, with yourself and others, or you'll just eat yourself up.
    3317 days ago
    I agree with 1crazydog. Take a deep breath and a step back. Making a life change like this is huge and not to be taken lightly but I think you have looked at it from so many aspects that you are driving yourself into panic. You don’t have the job officially yet so you do have time. It doesn’t matter what the world says in the end its about you and your family. If you think this is what is best do it and if not…well you know the rest. Until the official word is in try to rest and be gentle with yourself. I am sending you a lot of positive warm energy right now. I hope you get some good sleep real soon!

    3317 days ago
    ILt's so difficult making change . . . doesn't matter what it is and why. TRY t take a deep breath. IMHO, for what it's worth, yougave your BFF advice based on what was going on AT THAT MOMENT. You didn't have ulterior motives! So, honestly, don't put the cart before the horse. It's difficult to wait, but that's what you have to do. In the meantime, prayers do help. Saying some for you.

    You and DH deserve to be comfortable! Did I read that right? You're thinking of adopting?? As an adoptive Mom of two, I can tell you that the whole process IS attached with a relatively hefty price tag, but worth it! So, if for no other reason, that job would allow you to save for adoption, so you had the right to apply for that job.

    3317 days ago
    Not too long ago I did pretty much the same thing except it was because the doc I worked for really made me angry. I put in an application for another position on line on a Friday after work that had a section for my resume which I basically just jotted down a few things. I got called for an interview the following Monday and interviewed that Wednesday. By Thursday I regretted the whole thing because even though the work situation was tense, I really did like my job. In the end I just threw it out to God by praying if it was His will then let them give me a job offer, if it wasn't, then don't let me get the offer. Now I have never not gotten a job I'd interviewed for so I actually expected the offer of a Job. It never came. I never even got a rejection letter. It was as if I had never applied.

    Work is still tense due to some stuff probably best not said on a public forum but I still like my job. The pay is crap but the hours are awesome. I'm happy I did not get the job.
    3318 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/18/2012 12:42:32 AM
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