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Day 49~ What brought me out...

Monday, May 07, 2012

Well, over the years I’ve been dealing with issues; personal issues and I have been fighting like hell to overcome all of those issues. Being “fat” is half the battle. Understanding why I am “fat” and getting past all those issues of being “fat” has healed me. I know you may not understand how this has healed me, but I believe that if I healed myself mentally about this weight I will be able to get over this weight, mentally, physical, and emotionally once and for all.

We all pick our battles. My friend told me today, you pick and you choose wisely. What do you want to battle first? Do you wish to battle issues you never had to face head on in your life –or do you wish to get in front of this underline issue “fat”. I’ve been dealing with “fat” most of my adult-hood. I was scared at times; lost in the madness of it all. I was searching for the “quick fix” and I have to be honest with you all. That quick fix –fixed me a time or two. It had me sick, crazy out of my mind, and there were times when I’ve looked up to God above and said. If you bring me out of this; I’ll do better; I’ll listen to your words; I’ll even go to church every Sunday. Please let whatever is holding me release me.

I’ve been dealing “y’all”. I’ve been dealing with issues, and I’ve been trying to sort out the good from the bad, and when I get into that funk of confusion, parts of me just wants to give up. I can’t give up. That’s what I told myself over and over today. I can’t give up on myself now. I must “live” and I need to come alive with who I am inside. I cried a few tears... I got emotional today. I felt lost.

I’m scarping just to get back in the game. And you all know what I mean by scarping. I’m fighting my behind off, and I’m trying to see that break through, and I’m trying to release all these issues. Every waking moment is a challenge. You all might not see it as a challenge, but I do. I challenge myself in more ways than one. I’m breaking a sweat “daily” getting my head together. Yes, I’m sweating over my thoughts and my plans daily. I can’t 2nd guess this thing. I can’t figure out what to do now. I know it. I got my answers, and I understand where I am heading. Yeah! The knock down drag out fights has been hard as hell.

Hard for me to understand and get through at times, but I understand what all the fighting was and about. It was about breaking free, and loosing up those chains that tied me down to all the issues from my past. I can’t live in the past any longer, and the more I open my eyes up, and the more I start to see my very own soul. The more I become “one with my authentic-self” I’m aware of what’s going on in my life. I don’t bottle this stuff up. I just let stuff go and keep on pushing harder than before. I cry often. I have to admit that. I cry about things I feel I have no business crying over, but you know what. I have to let it go.

I have to release it. I can’t be tied to it. I’m sick of it; and the only way to break free from it is to release it whole heartedly. And I’m doing just that. Releasing it all, and becoming the “woman” I know I can be. I’m stronger now, and I have faith in all I can do. I believe in what I can do now, and there is no turning back.

I have no more fears, and it’s about time I break these chains loose…

This is my day 49 blog, and tonight I will be uploading a special vblog…
One that is from the heart and one with a strong message…
It’s going to take me time to get it together since I’ve deleted it out of anger, but hey. The message is still within me, and I’m going to repeat it again.

This is my day 49. I've been trying to upload this 1st special vblog all day. Now, I have it here for you all to view. I hope you get this message. This is for my fighting depression "team" most of all.
And for those who are struggling with depression, this is how you release it.

Love life, and live life, don't let the cares of the world live you.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PEGGY11

    Yes this is very beautiful. Thank you. I think we all should write 100 times - I love myself and must stop abusing myself with food and lack of exercise - we wouldn't abuse others so why do we not take care of ourselves. emoticon
    2716 days ago
  • no profile photo CURVYELVIESAYS
    Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and personal vlog. The music everything was beautifully done. I am so sorry that your struggling right now. I do understand scarping all too well. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and let the world pass me by. Because I feel I don't have the strength to deal with all the crap. But, in the midst of everything there is always a ray of hope that keeps me going. You are very wise in letting go of the burdens through exercise. Sweating the pain away is what I do everyday and you do too. That's what we all do and by doing this we heal little by little. And that makes it worthwhile. We are worth it in every way. Many blessings to you my friend and again thank you. emoticon
    2717 days ago
    What a beautiful song. It touched me so. The picture of the person throwing away their chains was strong and beautiful. The person standing by the tree, beautiful. You, beautiful emoticon
    2718 days ago
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