My struggles with my weight have continued. I'm up...I'm down...I'm up...I'm down. I'm on...I'm off...I'm on...I'm off. I'M TIRED. But...I think I "get it." I've realized this before...then I forget and I "fall" again. The realization is...I still have a problem with food. And, therefore, I still have a problem with my weight. And, I STILL NEED SP.
This morning, I began reading Jared's Story...the Subway Guy...Winning through Losing. I could have written the first chapter. Very interesting. I think this will be a good read for me. We both discovered in our early years that food was a comforter and friend when people were not. And the first chapter was about realizing that you have a problem...Step 1. Yes, I have a problem.
I had lost 85 lbs. Now, I've gained some...and I'm currently at the 77 lbs lost point. Did losing 85 lbs make my problem go away? Nope. But I was able to control the problem for the most part over the past 21 months. And that has allowed some of the evidence of the problem to slip away...pounds lost. But I still have an addiction to food.
I've been trying to wrap my head around this and understand it. The parallel that best helps me to understand is comparing it to someone who has a physical illness that does not actually go away or cure, but is controlled, by medication. I compare it to having seizures. I'm familiar with seizures as my husband experiences them in his sleep if his medication is not right. Usually, as long as he is taking his medication, he does not have them; but, if he does not have his medication, he will have a seizure that evening or the next. The medication does not make the condition go away...but it does control it.
My being a part of SparkPeople has not caused my problem with food to go away...but it has given me a way to control it. As long as I track my food and eat in range, my relationship with food is normal...and I lose weight. If I do not track my food, my relationship with food gets out of control and I overeat...and I gain weight. It's that simple.
It's been almost two years since I started with Spark. The first year, I was a solid tracker. The next six months, I was mostly tracking, and the last 3 months, I have been more off than on. Not tracking does not work for me. I have a problem...tracking and being a part of SP is the solution. It does not cure me...but I feel "cured" because the problem does not show up...just like my husband not having seizures when he has his meds.
So, I feel a little disappointed that a cure does not seem to be happening with my food addiction. I really thought/hoped that it would "be gone." I feel like I am making excuses by saying I have this problem. I would like to deny it. I feel like, if I admit I have the problem, I am giving it power over me. But I am a realist. I have looked at the facts. I see what is going on and what has been going on all of my life. Reality is...I am a food addict. SP works to control the addiction for me.
So, I have a choice...try to go it on my own (as I have been over the past few months) which does not seem to be working...or hang with SP and be "okay" and complete my journey to a normal BMI. I want to complete the journey. I can't do this alone. I need SP...just like my hubby needs his meds. It's okay to use what works.
Hope you all are doing well. Keep up the good work! Thanks for the encouragement! Spark on!