Friday, May 04, 2012
So I'm finally getting around to BOGUSANNNIE's vlog challenge from Monday (https://sparkpeo.hs.llnwd.net/e1/my
The timing on this one was good for me, because I completely lost any kind of motivation this week. I've been doing a half-assed job of tracking my food intake, and haven't been paying a great deal of attention to what I've been eating. I did manage to keep up with my workouts though. The plus side of not doing this challenge earlier is that I've had a long time to think about why I'm doing this. And what's interesting is that after thinking about why I want to lose weight for almost a week, I'm not sure I have come up with an answer that will keep me motivated. Maybe that's been part of my problem all along.
The first thing that came to my mind is that I want to lose weight to look good. As far as I'm concerned, I've thought I was fat my whole life (in retrospect, through much of my teenage years I wasn't fat, just bigger than other kids, but perception is reality). I've never felt as though I was hot, sexy, desirable or any of that. I'd like to feel that way. But I don't know whether that's enough motivation because it hasn't helped me stay the course before.
I've tried to find a health reason to keep me motivated, but nothing comes to mind. I've never had any weight related health problems and the thought of possible future weight related health problems is not enough to motivate me to take action now.
Setting a good example for my kids ... I suppose. But not really. That feels like motivation born of guilt, and I have enough guilt in my life.
In the end, I came up with one main reason.
I want to lose weight because I want my outsides to match my insides. When I picture myself in my head, or when I think about myself, I don't think of myself as the fat girl (in spite of the fact that I've always considered myself to be fat). Sometimes it's surprise when I see myself in a mirror. I'd like the view of myself that I project to the world to match the view of myself I have in my mind. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm being dishonest with people. It's an odd thing really, but I feel as though the way I look is a farce because it doesn't match the way I feel.
One time, years ago, when I was contemplating weight loss, and why I never had any success, I asked myself "why do I stay fat?", and a voice in my head said "because it keeps you in your place". That was an interesting answer. When I was younger, I was an overachiever. Always got the best marks in school, was a good athlete; later I was driven at work and rose through the ranks relatively quickly, until kids and a divorce kind of changed my perspective on life. I often wonder if the voice was telling me that somehow, if I was thin, I would be too intimidating to others, that people wouldn't like me because I was "perfect" -- smart, good job, thin, etc. It's not something I actively ever thought about because I had such low self esteem over being fat. But maybe it was buried in my subconscious.
So for me, that's it. My motivation for doing this is to make my outsides match my inside, and not to be kept in my place anymore.
Thanks, BOGUSANNIE, for posting this challenge just when I really needed it. :)