I don't know what to do and I feel helpless!!!!!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Well I have not bloged or done anything for awhile and I am not happy were I am. I am now bigger than I have ever been in my life at 310 lbs and I don't know when this is going to stop. I have failed so many diets and workout's and tried to change my life for the better, I try to workout but give up to soon and can;t seem to get myself movated or wanting to workout at all. I know in my heart that I need to lose weight, I am unhappy, I can't walk far, I have alot of pain all over, I have a fatty liver , and so many health problems, can't stand for long periods over my weight and that I have mult bone spurs in both feet, back pain and so on. I really want to lose weight and eat healther and I know how to but to do it is another story. I don;t know why I can;t seem to get to were I want to be and how to do it the right way. I hate when people look at me and say that I just don't want it bad enough because that is not true, I hate the way I look and how I feel. I want to be able to were nice cloths, bend over and paint my toe nails or tie my shoes without being out of breath, I want to were jeans again and be able to feel good in them and not feel like I have to hide my body. I want to be able to go on rides with my kids and do things with them that I cant do right now. I don;t want to feel tired all the time and feel embarsed about myself. I don;t like to eat in front of people except my family because I feel like people are talking about me, I feel this way when I am out as well. I feel like people are saying look how fat she is, she looks gross and I can't belive she just won't workout or walk some. Look how lasy she is. I feel like I embarsed my kids and I feel like people make fun of my kids over me. My daughter has been told that she must not be ares because she is not fat like us. My son is also big and I don't know how to help him because I can't do anything with my own self, I am a very bad example. When I do try to workout and eat right something always happens, I either get sick or hurt something and then I just quit. I don;t want to die and I want to live a healther life. I want the real me to shine and for me to finaly love myself. I don't know why I love to eat and I read somewere , were they talked about if you had something happen to you that you do things to hide yourself , like making your self fatter to make your not pretty so know one will bother you , and that when you have something really bad happen to you when you are young you sometime stay as that age in your life , And I feel that way, on the inside I feel like a little girl and I have alot of people say I cat like a teen, but I don't want to be that way and I don't know what to do about all this. I feel if somehow if I could heel that the weight will finaly start to come off and I will be a better parent and wife. I seem to have a hard time making friends and keeping them, I really don;t seem to know how to talk to people and don;t know how to fix that either. I pray that God will help me heal and have some friends and make my self whole. I will try and stay on here and post as much as I can, but I pray that God will send someone my way to help me through all of this. Well I have talk way to much. Better try and go to bed now. God Bless