The Blame Game.
Friday, April 20, 2012
I've never been a believer in all this phsyco babble stuff. Let's delve into our childhoods and see who we can blame for the fact that we are miserable , or bad tempered , or fat. Even if we could without a doubt find the cause of our problems and lay the blame fairly and squarely at that someone's door , how would that help ? Would it stop you from being a long faced misery or magically make your fat disappear ? No of course it wouldn't.
Having said that , I have spent many hours trying to work out why , with the best intentions in the world, I have failed at every diet I've ever tried . Yes I have successfully lost weight in the past , but haven't kept it off despite wanting more than anything to stay slim.Why ? The desire was there , the know how and tools all there , so what was wrong ?
I think the answer does lie in my childhood. Being the only fatty , and the only girl , in the family wasn't easy. My first diet at ten was humiliating although my mother would never have wanted to hurt me. She just wanted me to be a happy and carefree young girl. She worked long hours , so I was able to begin my lifelong habit of sneak eating - nobody knew why the diet didn't work ! I hated being the odd one out , and stayed fat till I was 22. Again my mother came to my rescue , sending me a very reputable diet magazine offering my first experience of calorie counting. It worked ! "Normal" for the first time in my life I was jubilant. Till stresses and various problems began to take their toll , and I was back to my secret binges. And so it went on for the next 30 years. So why is it different now ? To be honest I don't think it really is different , I just think I have a bit more insight and understanding of why I do what I do. Perhaps I am more able now , in my old age ( ! ) to make sense of it and see what is underlying the current "shovel as much food as possible down my throat " mood. Sometimes it truly is simple greed - I like it , I want it and no , that tiny portion is not going to hit the spot. But most of the time I can see other things at play , and trace it back to that unhappy little girl who realised that although there were many things she could not control in her life , she could control what she ate - so she did. She ate lots , and still does. When I know that I am being controlled and manipulated , which sadly happens a lot and is beyond my control , I know that the one thing nobody can stop me doing is eat.So I do. Only now , I recognise that irrational and self destructive trend and can almost always put the brakes on.
So would I still say that all this delving and analysing is worthless ? No , I wouldn't , but it is essential to remain responsible and accountable for your own actions , because one thing I do stand by is my conviction that the blame game is a pointless and hurtful exercise , and provides no answers at all.