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Reality...Mine

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

When I was young I felt like the world somehow knew something that I didn't. Like somehow I always missed the memo. I felt like a misfit. I was a good friend and a good listener and really as an adult I still carry the misfit mentality. I am not sure now that it ever applied. But, I am just recently coming to that conclusion.

Also when I was young my step mom was type 1 diabetic. We sometimes had deserts but never had a cookie jar or treats around that one just ate a few and then had more tomorrow. Somehow we ate whatever to excess and then did not have it for a long time. If my step mom could not cope with a cookie jar I get it totally. I don't tend to have stuff like that around all the time either. However my father would go and buy treats for them after all the kids went to bed. We would see the trash in the morning. The message is "when you grow up you can have whatever you want too."

Well I am grown up now. I could get whatever I want. i can eat what I want and my highest weight was over 300 pounds. Yikes that is hard to write. I have been trying to decide if I am an emotional eater since I joined spark.

Here is what I learned:
I eat sometimes when I am sad or mad.
I eat sometimes when I am overwhelmed.
I eat usually when I am happy with the family to celebrate.
I eat when I like the food.
I eat when I think I should like the food.
I like the taste and texture.

I have also learned to drink water before I eat. Sometimes I am just thirsty.
I have learned things to distract myself. Sometimes I am bored or feeling emotional.
I have learned to think about what I really want and sometimes it is not food.
I have learned that I have plenty even if I am feeling deprived.
I have learned there will be food tomorrow. I don't have to consume it all now.
I have learned most amazingly that I can do without and my world will not end.
sometimes it will even improve.

I am struggling to learn who I really am. I am struggling to stay on track. But, I am learning and I am moving forward. I have fear I think as I get closer to the one on the scale. I am really going to have to sneak up on this one. I want it. But it has been so long I am struggling to get out of the way and let myself have it.

I am realizing that I am not that odd kid anymore. I can do things. I can succeed. I can make it. I will make it...I can believe and let myself become. Even if it is hard to quiet the doubting voice.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BE-THE-CHANGE
    emoticon
    3351 days ago
  • GT2SMILE
    Thanks so much for sharing! I love how you are finding out so much about yourself, and focusing on the positive things you have learned. You deserve "the one on the scale"! Most of all I love how you are not giving up, no matter what is thrown at you or how hard the struggle. You will make it! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3351 days ago
  • NANCY-
    Oh rats! I had a wonderful comments and it disappeared.
    Basically what I said was you are a wonderful lady, you have many talents and skills. If we were all the same the world would be a boring place.
    Think of 5 adjectives to describe yourself.
    1. Thoughtful.
    2. Perseverant.
    3. Beautiful in spirit.
    4. Faithful.
    5. Loving.

    Those are just the ones that come to my mind. Just think of what you, your family and friends can come up with.

    I know what you mean about staying on track. Changing a lifetime of habits and beliefs is challenging. It can be done... and we are doing it.

    emoticon
    3351 days ago
  • JCDUBEA63
    Pam u are doing this!! I also felt insecure as a child and a misfit! I come from a very loving and affectionate family. We always had sweets in the house my dad had to have sweets after dinner. I guess we all feel insecure growing up. I know u will finish ur goals u have made so much progress take it day by day so it don't overwhelm u!! Can't wait to see u reach ir goals!! We will do this!!
    3351 days ago
  • WALKINGGRANDMA
    I think that I will always be at least some of that kid I was once long ago. Maybe we all are. The insecurities, the value systems that we learn, the things we learn are important or not important.

    It is spectacular to be grown up and realize that maybe the values I held as a child are not necessarily correct. They are values that were give to me or I thought were given to me. Some things have eternal value and those do not change, but what I value about myself, my relationship to food, and how I treat myself have the ability to change.

    I guess the trick is changing.

    I'm so excited to see you in Onederland. You deserve it and it is such a wonderful gift to give yourself.

    What do you plan to gift yourself when you reach onederland? I hope it is something that you have wanted for a long time and really never thought you'd get.
    3352 days ago
  • JAKESOMA
    It is difficult, I know, at times I am still the little kid inside and all my family issues, poverty, dads alcoholism, etc. are real all over again. The thing is that you and I are so much better than that. We can control a portion of our lives thru what we put in us. We may not have had a say in our youth, but we do now. Hang in there sister and let Spark People help encourage you. emoticon
    3352 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4501477
    emoticon the good advice here on Spark will take you far. Keep Sparking.
    3352 days ago
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