Tuesday, April 10, 2012
When I was young I felt like the world somehow knew something that I didn't. Like somehow I always missed the memo. I felt like a misfit. I was a good friend and a good listener and really as an adult I still carry the misfit mentality. I am not sure now that it ever applied. But, I am just recently coming to that conclusion.
Also when I was young my step mom was type 1 diabetic. We sometimes had deserts but never had a cookie jar or treats around that one just ate a few and then had more tomorrow. Somehow we ate whatever to excess and then did not have it for a long time. If my step mom could not cope with a cookie jar I get it totally. I don't tend to have stuff like that around all the time either. However my father would go and buy treats for them after all the kids went to bed. We would see the trash in the morning. The message is "when you grow up you can have whatever you want too."
Well I am grown up now. I could get whatever I want. i can eat what I want and my highest weight was over 300 pounds. Yikes that is hard to write. I have been trying to decide if I am an emotional eater since I joined spark.
Here is what I learned:
I eat sometimes when I am sad or mad.
I eat sometimes when I am overwhelmed.
I eat usually when I am happy with the family to celebrate.
I eat when I like the food.
I eat when I think I should like the food.
I like the taste and texture.
I have also learned to drink water before I eat. Sometimes I am just thirsty.
I have learned things to distract myself. Sometimes I am bored or feeling emotional.
I have learned to think about what I really want and sometimes it is not food.
I have learned that I have plenty even if I am feeling deprived.
I have learned there will be food tomorrow. I don't have to consume it all now.
I have learned most amazingly that I can do without and my world will not end.
sometimes it will even improve.
I am struggling to learn who I really am. I am struggling to stay on track. But, I am learning and I am moving forward. I have fear I think as I get closer to the one on the scale. I am really going to have to sneak up on this one. I want it. But it has been so long I am struggling to get out of the way and let myself have it.
I am realizing that I am not that odd kid anymore. I can do things. I can succeed. I can make it. I will make it...I can believe and let myself become. Even if it is hard to quiet the doubting voice.