Tuesday, February 14, 2012
First of all, happy valentine's day! Or anti if that floats your boat.
Well, I've clearly been checked for a bit. I got slammed with some bad news on thebschool/teaching front and just crawled into my shell.
Long story short, I can't get my credential in the state of Maryland because my school f'd up the information and didn't inform us when the testing requirements changed. What this means is that I can't even sub. Yes, there are some schools that do not require a credential to teach, but not many anymore. A lot of charter and private schools actually require the certificate now - especially in the county I live in. So how I'm supposed to gain experience during this time is nuts. Plus, hiring season for teachers is coming up and my options are drastically cut.
All of this news happened right before I went home on the 3rd. And I mean that literally. I got the news while I was finishing packing before leaving for the airport. It sent me into a tailspin.
Before I explain why, I'm going to note one thing. I get there are a lot of people in this world a whole lot worse off than me. I also get that my initial response was a pity party and it didn't last long. And last, but not least, I have been unhappy for a long time and am well aware that I should probably get help for that - but there is NO money for such things, nor insurance.
Ok, now for the fun stuff. I've been in school for the last three and a half years. I've spent longer in my two Masters programs than I did in college (I graduated in three years - nerd). They have been challenging academically which I've loved. They've been stupid administratively, which I haven't loved. I've been screwed sideways multiple times and keep wondering when it's going to get better.
Before this latest fiasco, I was hanging on by a thread. Everything was going to be ok when I ot the credential because I could finally get to work and put at least one of these graduate degrees to work. I could finally make my own money and not have to ask for help from my mother who has next to nothing left to give. It was going to be a movement forward after being stuck in one place for so long.
So when I found out this latest news... It just flattened me. 100% kicked my legs out from under me. I ended up going home, not working out, didn't particularly watch my eating, and really knd of just stopped caring for a while.
I wish I could say i got my act together when I got back to the east coast exactly a week ago. Nope. I ate. It became a vicious cycle of, well nothing else is going right, so clearly this can't either. I KNOW. Wrong attitude, blah blah blah. I don't need to hear the high horse comments of that was wrong - got it - I know. I'm saying it as it is and owning up to it. Let that be enough.
I have a new motivation that I figured out last Thursday. I still didn't get right on it. No, I'm not going to tell what the new motivation is - I'll just get yelled at because the motivation isn't entirely generated from and for me. Right now? I'm just not enough for myself. And last night I truly realized that. I understand where a lot of this unhappiness is generated from and I'm working on it. I just don't have it in me to work on the unhappiness by myself while trying to motivate myself to get healthy and therefore lose weight. I just don't have the energy or even the hope for that. So, I had a choice. I could either use what little energy and hope I have to work on the unhappiness or the physical health. Last night, I chose to work on the unhappiness. So, this means I have to use an external motivational force to combat the current lack of physical health and that's exactly what I'll do. As I get emotionally and mentally healthier, I'll be able to do more things "for me" that I just am not capable of right now.
So, upshot is, I've gained a few pounds. And at the end of the day, I've also gained a stronger understanding of my current capabilities. I may not be up for saving the world right now and that's ok. I just need to be me and work on me, save myself. I'm working really hard to lower these expectations of myself and I truly believe that these decisions I've just made are steps in the right direction.
That's where I've been... Hiding in a hole. About a six pound gain total (whoever said you don't gain overnight is full of crap) and I'll power through that.
Oh oh oh! I almost forgot! I found the start of a weight loss journal from college. Toward the end. I only weighed about 170. I know, I know, I shouldn't be saying "only". But I though I'd gained a ton more in college, but it turns out I only gained the 15 all three years. It was when I graduated and went back home that I packed on another 50. Wow. I literally just did that math. That's scary as all sin. Anyways, so that was an interesting find while I was back in Cali. My memory was a bit jilted, but got it back up and running!
And clearly, being at home is a train wreck for me. I'm glad I'm not going back until May. I need time to develop habits. Time I just haven't had between trips home. So this will be good for me.