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an update from Erin

Monday, February 13, 2012

I feel I may have reached an impasse.
I have been rather unmotivated to work out the last week or so. My gym attendance has been spotty, and my wii fit has not had the opportunity to call me obese in at least 2 weeks.
I have lost a whole 50 lbs on my journey thus far, and I know that should be something worth celebrating and continuing, but I don't feel up to it. I don't feel like i have what it takes to keep up with such arduous efforts.
I don't really understand why I dread going to the gym so much, I enjoy it quite well once I'm there, its the getting through the door part that sucks.
Also, I have been on my period for over 2 weeks now, read up on one of my medication sheets and it says smack dab in the middle "if you are on oral contraceptives, you should not take this medication, it will reduce the effectiveness of this medication and if you experience breakthrough bleeding, please contact your healthcare provider"... to paraphrase.
So i freaked out last night, crying and rocking back and forth and the like, called the advice nurse. She says there's nothing to worry about, its not life threatening and so long as I don't start gushing blood, bruising easily, get a fever or develop dizziness that I am alright to wait til my recheck appointment on the 16th.
needless to say however, the whole situation is uncomfortable and is putting a damper on my motivation to continue working out, i have not really felt depressed, just unwilling to workout. I would rather lay in bed watching netflix where its warm, or play video games or go shopping, or hangout with friends than workout right now.
If it isn't one thing, its another.
I should have known better than to try to manage my anxiety, bipolar and depression with medication, I should have just dealt with it on my own like i have all these years anyway. The meds are causing more anxiety than they were meant to help treat.

I just want to feel beautiful, being fat like I am I am incapable of feeling that way. I know everyone always says you should love yourself the way you look now too, but if i did, i wouldn't even want to change.

I just want to be beautiful.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    LOL. My Wii calls me obese and goes "oh." whenever I step on the balance board.
    3372 days ago

    It is entirely possible to find the beauty in oneself, to love and accept oneself, and still want to improve. Loving oneself isn't about being perfect or beautiful. It is about unconditional love - love of the unique individual we are, whether fat or skinny, tall or short, fair or dark, male or female, loud or quiet, shy or outgoing, creative or logical.

    So what if we're fat now? Does our body carry us where we need to go? Does it digest the food we need to stay alive? It's an amazing device. Even if we've treated it horribly, it is still waking up in the morning for us. No one else looks quite the way we do, and that is true no matter what weight we are at. It lets others see us and recognize us.

    Just curious - if you look around you at your friends, your co-workers, strangers you pass on the street, who do you consider beautiful? Do you find most people beautiful or only a particular idealized (perhaps media-enforced) look beautiful? What do you define beautiful as?

    Because I look at your Christmas 2011 picture and I see a beautiful person. I look at some of your other photos, like the one with you with cat whiskers with friend and roomate, and I see a beautiful person with a wonderful smile.

    (And, believe me, I know how different our own perception can be. Hence the caption on the first photo on my page - my best friend sees "Bewbs!" and I see "Double Chin - ugh!" I'll never love my double chin, but I don't love myself less because of it. I just decided that I love myself enough to alter my life to change it.)
    3376 days ago
    You ARE beautiful!!!! One thing I had to learn was you have to love yourself as you are now. Skinny, fat, whatever you have love yourself. You must know that you are worthy of this or you will never succeed. You can do this!
    3376 days ago
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