Learning to take care of me.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I have written many blogs here. I pondered many things here trying to figure out this journey. I have learned many things about myself. Some good some I would call bad or struggles. I feel like I stumble before each new step. I have wondered why it seems so hard.
My working diagnosis has been either fear of success or fear of failure. But, neither one seemed to fit just right and resonate in a way that made me feel satisfied. I figured the answer was inside someplace buried deep. I have wondered if I would find it. I have promised myself to keep moving forward even if I don't understand the block.
I have continued to ponder all the stuff I wrote about in my last blog. I had not come up with an answer. Then I realized most of my problems come from my reluctance at self care. Not that I don't take care of myself but, I don't always do the best job. I give myself time off by not doing the dishes right away. (Yeah I am learning that when I do that it is more work later.) I eat poorly because I don't want to make myself something better.
I am not sure why. I think sometimes it is because I don't have the kind of food I wished I had or I don't want to eat what I planned or I just don't think it is worth it. I hate it when people say you deserve this or that. Yeah maybe I do. Sometimes it comes down to $$$ or time.
I deserve a gym membership. Maybe. I even used one when I had it. But, now it would take 15 to 20 minutes to get to the gym, plus the gym membership and gas prices. Just doesn't seem worth it.
I deserve to eat well. My littlest doesn't like all the things I might want for lunch. I feel a lack of creativity with lunch.
Sometimes I doubt that I really could have what I want. But, you know I could. I can buy soup that I like. I can make soup that I like. I can buy special ingredients for the salad. I could make it more interesting.
I can use this time to learn what I want. Sometimes I think I have forgotten me. I enjoy being the mom. I like making food that my family enjoys. I like eating with the family. But, I can do that and make food that is yummy and healthy for me.
I can do this. I can learn how to balance the care of me so that I don't feel deprived and alone in this journey. (Skinny boys don't understand my change of diet.)