Time for healing....
Sunday, January 08, 2012
So the family is gone and I go back to work tomorrow and adjust to life without my Mom.
This has been the most difficult 2 weeks of my entire life. Having to make the decision to stop treatment and put her in hospice will haunt me forever. Especially since when I first went to visit her in hospice she was awake, cognizant and alert. I had immediate feelings of regret, but could not change my mind.
Then seeing her slowly die for 3 days while in hospice care really drained me emotionally. But I have to say, once I got the call that she passed away, I felt an immediate sense of peace. I knew she was up in Heaven and was no longer in any physical pain. THe tears and the heartache really slowed down.
I was really grateful that all but 1 of my siblings were able to come up and stay for several days. We got to sit and reminisce about all of the good times we had while growing up. It really helped me to heal and get through this.
THis whole experience made me realize what an awesome, amazing ROCK I have for a husband. He works nights and ended up staying awake over 24 hours to be with me. He had just gotten off a 12 hour shift and was about to go to bed when the hospital called me and wanted to talk about my Mom's "not so good" test results. He was there with me when I had to make the decison to stop treatment and put her in hospice and then go visit her while she was in hospice. He cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner the whole week my entire family crashed at my house. He is amazing and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, caring husband.
I think the reason why I am so devastated my Mother's death is that it feels like it was too soon. Her underlying cause of death (as is noted on her death certificate) is morbid obesity. If she would have controlled her weight problems, then she would still be alive. But she never recognized that she had a weight problem to begin with. And so, in a way, I look at it as a psychological disease that she could not overcome. My dad and her siblings tell stories of her having a rough childhood---- being fiercely independent while having an overbearing, controlling mother. A mother who repeatedly put her down making her feel like she could never live up to her expectations. I think her weight problem all goes back to her childhood and the way she was raised.
My sister who was not here is coming back from her honeymoon on Wednesday and we are going to talk.... She is the sister who cared for my mom for many years before she ended up in a nursing home and is currently caring for my father. For some reason my father seems determined not to let me have any of my mother's personal belongings and I am deeply hurt by that. The past 5 years I have grown closer to my Mom than any of my other 4 siblings have because I lived in the same city as her and I was up to see her at least once a week. I was the one who came to her rescue when she needed something. I was the one who would talk to her for hours when she was lonely. I need some of my Mom's personal things to serve as a remembrance to her.... I know my sister will understand, but I need her to help my father understand too.
Ugh, so now I have to work on getting my Spark back and that is going to be hard. I have been using food as a comfort to get me past these rough times. I won't even dare get on a scale, but I know it is bad. My clothes got real tight, real quick. Unfortunately, I am sidelined with the exercise for now. A few days ago, in the midst of all this turmoil, I "think" I pulled a muscle in my chest. I have never, ever pulled a muscle there before. But I was reaching for something when I felt a sharp pain in my chest, feeling like it was over my heart. I was eating at the time, so I initially felt like it was a heartburn type of pain or I swallowed someting wrong, but the pain just progressed as the day went on. It is OK is I stay perfectly still, but any movement of my left side really aggravates it. Guess I will have to start with controlling the diet first.... then slowly move up to exercise once the pain goes away.
Thank you all so much for the kind words and for the sympathy notes on my sparkpage. They mean so much to me. Going to be more active here on SparkPeople.