The Fear of Losing Weight
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
There was recently a Spark blog about one man's emotional rollercoaster ride regarding his weight loss. I can relate to that. To keep things clear in my mind, I am writing a series of lists, poems and papers regarding a lot of different things that I have "going on". One of the most important ones I've written is about my emotions regarding weight loss. I've lost and gained large amounts several other times in my life and piled it back on again, usually out of fear. I will expound on it more at a later time, but for now it's just a short entry on my list of Fears:
I have a lot of fear about losing weight. After being heavy all my life and losing and regaining weight several times, I decided to get serious about losing weight for health reasons. I knew it would be difficult and that I’m giving up the barrier that has kept me “safe“. I’ve endured pig noises, been honked at, been called all kinds of names and gotten many disdainful looks. Now that I’ve lost about 100 lbs I am being treated better and really noticing that has given me a lot of compassion for other people who are overweight. I am seeing my real face for the first time since high school. I still have 50 or 60 lbs to go, but it’s still all very frightening and almost enough to cause me to change my mind (again). Let’s hope I’m wrong. (end of entry).
This is not a minor issue. My brother died recently from anorexia. He used to weigh over 400 lbs and lost large amounts of weight several times as I have. He had bariatric surgery (I have not - he effectively talked me out of it) and for the first 4 years or so, it worked very well. After that, though, he started gaining it back until he was as large as before. He was a cancer survivor for 8 years but then it returned and they did a major surgery on him about a year ago (early 2011), removing his bladder, prostate, a lot of his colon, etc. Although the cancer was gone, he was so distraught over what they had to do that he refused to eat or drink any liquids. Whenever people told him he needed to eat, he would say "I'm still fat". He had kidney failure a couple of times and then was in the hospital for several months. When he still wouldn't eat they insisted on giving him a feeding tube, but he developed an infection and his system was unable to fight it. He was on life support for a few days before he died. He starved himself to death at age 51. I miss him terribly.