Just a Ramble...
Saturday, November 26, 2011
This is not, I repeat, NOT, an anti-gain train blog. So there's no question here for you to answer. This is just me watching some football, thinking about life and my future and needing to ramble as a way to get it out. I'm one of those weirdos that can generally figure out what I need to do for me, but I sometimes need to hear myself speak to figure it out (or write???).
School is officially done. I'm officially not going back anytime soon. A BA and two MA's I think is enough for the time being. That being said, I'll be stressed out trying to find a job. I'm lucky enough to have parents that help out, but after being home... dad has done NOTHING to bring in money with his firm, so it all rests on mom. I.e. it's even more imperative than before to find a job and it was pretty darn imperative then. So the key here will be to keep my options wide open and be looking for jobs for the spring and then gear up for when the spring arrives to be looking for a job elsewhere for the long term. I HAVE to move in June. My ex's parents are my landlords and after being home and being faced with all sorts of pictures of us together... this is just a pretty toxic environment for me.
That being said, I've been kind of ignoring some things these last few months. Mainly the dealing with spending a year and a half of my life with a man who emotionally diminished me, who capitalized on my lack of self-esteem, and who quite simply didn't much care. For whatever reason, I lost my spine and even when the little voice in my head said, no no this isn't right, I ignored it. It's time to figure out why that is, so that it doesn't happen again. Nothing is a waste of time if you learn from it and as it stands, since I haven't taken the time to learn, it's a waste. I don't believe in waste. So for the next few weeks while I concentrate on getting a job before I go home for the next set of holidays, I'll be spending some time working on me. Not just the physical health standpoint of working out and nutrition, but where I just completely lost my sense of self. It's demeaning to admit it, but it's time for me to face facts and accept my own complicity. So there may be a whole lot of long thoughts in the next few weeks.
I think this all really jumps out at me now for a few reasons. One being that his mother keeps emailing me, but I think she's finally stopped that. Two being that I just had a birthday without him - we broke up right after his birthday, so it's just a funky timing. Three being seeing all those pictures when I just hadn't dealt with any of it. Four being that we had talked about spending the holidays together - I know now that he never meant it, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean it, because I did and had dreamed of how much fun it would be to continue solidifying our relationship (yeah, who would have thought I'd be such a sap?). Five being that EVERYBODY back home kept asking what happened and what I'm doing now, blah blah blah... oy! Six being that I'm done with school and I'll cop to this - I'm deathly afraid I'm going to end up "drifting", the very thing he accused me of doing and I adamantly disagree with and will do everything in my power to make sure DOES NOT happen. We broke up in August and I dove into teaching and school. I wrote in this very blog a few times about being upset and thinking about things, but then I'd turn right around and ignore it, using school work or grading as an excuse not to finish it out. Well, enough. I have a big heart and I can't give it to someone who deserves it until I've reclaimed it for me. I haven't truly dealt with it and going home and getting upset over the pictures shows me that.
So the next few weeks are going to be key for me on numerous levels. Oddly enough, the most basic, and in some ways, simple (for me!), is going to be the nutrition and workouts. Right now, those are the only things I have control over that can end up with positive (or negative) results. I can bust my butt on the healing and the job search, but that does not guarantee me much anytime soon. Better nutrition and working out do guarantee me one thing: I'll be getting healthier. And ultimately, healthier in body, mind, heart, and spirit are what matters.
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope." ~ He's Just Not That Into You