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Weight & Depression

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I am really depressed about it. I thought I would be better by now; cooler, healthier, happier, etc. Instead, I am in the same place I was 5 years ago: depressed about my outward appearance, depressed in general, and feeling panicked that I am running out of time.

I hate my weight. I have basically re-gained all of the weight I lost for my wedding, which just makes me want to cry. I donated an entire wardrobe of size 14 to 18 clothes in 2009 only to go back and buy an entirely new one in 2011. I can't fit into any of the things I loved in 2009 anymore. :(

Re-gaining the weight makes me so mad. I was doing well; I kept off the weight for a year and I was (very slowly) losing a little more. But, then in July 2009, the gym I was religious about going to 5 times a week flooded. I thought it would re-open again in a couple weeks, but it didn't. In fact, it just re-opened a few weeks ago, in October 2011. That gym closing really screwed everything up for me. Instead of having a nice routine, I suddenly had none. For awhile I was able to keep my weight in check without much exercise, but that didn't last long.

Now, here I am again, back to square one. I'm sad, angry, tired, and just feeling defeated. I really want to cry. I've gotten back into a routine of exercising 5 mornings a week for an hour each time. As I type this my muscles are very tired and my entire body feels noodle-like, the way you do after a good weight workout. But, one workout cannot undo what I've done.

I hate hearing that "you didn't gain this weight over night, so you can't expect to lose it that quickly." You know why I hate that? Because, I very often DO gain weight seemingly over night. Last week I weighed 185.5 on Friday, today I weigh 190.5. That means that in 3 days, I gained 5 pounds (I think I would have seen an even worse number yesterday, had I dared to step on the scale). That is A LOT of weight to gain and it very literally did happen over night. I cannot lose 5 pounds in 3 days, yet I sure as hell can gain them that quickly.

I feel like I'm just out of ideas. I lost weight with diet, exercise, and the help of phentermine. I did it. The weight was gone, the phen was gone, and I was maintaining it on my own by exercising regularly and eating healthy most of the time, but not to a point where worrying about food was dominating my life. When I was in the 155 to 157 range I wasn't sure about trying to lose more weight because I didn't think I could cut back more than I had already at that point. But, I was wearing nicer clothes and feeling better than I had possibly ever felt.

Since my recent gaining has seemingly gotten out of control I've tried two different meal systems. First was Healthy Chef Creations, which was expensive and not so great tasting. Then Seattle Sutton which was less expensive and tasted worse. I ate only what was included with the diets both times and nothing of note happened to my weight. Then I saw Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, which is a documentary about a man who went on a juice fast for 60 days and lost about 80 pounds in the process. Inspired, I bought an expensive juicer and went to work. I've been trying to do a juice fast, but I feel miserable. Hungry ALL day, stomach making all sorts of sounds and movements, and feeling exhausted, light headed, etc. Juice fasting is not for me... I cannot take 60 days off away from my life the way the man in the film did. If I could do that, then maybe juice fasting would work for me, but it just isn't in the cards.

I haven't really gotten into it yet, but in 2010 I was laid off from my job. As I predicted long before then, when the CEO of the company I was working for was let go, I went from really liking that job to completely hating it. By January 2010 when I was let go, I would feel physically sick in the mornings when I thought about going in. I hated my job and I would use ANY excuse possible to not go in or to avoid it. Since then, I was unemployed for 4 months, the greatest 4 months of my life, actually. I loved being unemployed. I made jewelry at home and really got a lot better and faster at it. I made some really beautiful pieces (the picture above is the first bracelet I made). I loved it. But, of course, there was reality, which said that I cannot take a $50,000 pay cut forever and eventually unemployment would stop giving me money. So, I applied for jobs during that time too.

Just my "luck", I ended up with 3 job offers within 3 months. Ugh. Back to corporate soul sucking. I accepted my current job, but I put off starting for awhile and started in May 2010. I've been here a year and a half now. This job is better than my last one, way better, but I still have no interest in the financial industry. I hate the actual work I do. I am bored. I spend 90% of my time, at least, wishing I was anywhere else but at work. I think about all the things I could be doing if I wasn't here; making jewelry, cooking, working out, making flowers, reading, volunteering, etc. I have an endless list of things I wish I was doing.

Anyway, work sucks. I hate being here. I know it's bad when I've gotten into the routine of entering the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes everyday and buying lottery tickets. I've been doing those both lately. It's not that I expect to win, I don't at all, but the $1 I spend on the lottery gives me a very small hope that maybe a world exists where I don't have to come here everyday. To me, it is worth the $1 for that hope.

Back to weight though... I just feel awful about it and I have this enormous sense of urgency to lose it. I'm downright panicked about it. I know that doesn't help and won't make it go away any faster, but I hate that I don't have a plan at all right now. "Eat healthy" is not a plan. It's what I have to do, yes, but it isn't specific enough for it to give me any comfort. I still feel like I don't know what my core issue/problem is. I've watched naturally thin people a lot and none of them behave like me. They aren't preoccupied with food constantly, which I am. I wish I could be like that. I don't even enjoy food anyway. It doesn't matter what I eat, I feel guilty that I'm doing it. For example, yesterday I was eating raw broccoli with hummus and I felt guilty. Why? Because I *should* have been on my juice fast and therefore not eating anything. The guilt never ends when it comes to food.

Anyway, I should get back to work. I just feel sick right now. I want to just lay down and cry. I wish I could do that instead of what I'm supposed to do.
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