Dealing with a lot of stress but determined to rise above it!
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Lately I feel like this black cloud is following me. I'm always looking over my shoulder to see if it's following me...lol.
Seems whenever I get my motivation back "something" always finds it's way to my door.
My latest "black cloud" moment....
I ordered oil so I could test my furnace and see if it actually works since it's old and was under water twice after Hurricane Irene. Well they could deliver the oil because the fill pump to my tank broke off.... old and rusted. So I have to replace the oil tank...big bucks. And I still don't know if my furnace works but I'm guessing it's old and rusted too and the flood in my basement made the rusted parts break off. Yep...my home is old, and I expect to replace parts, but I'm just getting back on my feet after being out of work for almost a year. Oh, and my car decided to leak power steering fluid so I had to repair that.
To continue my "drama" (laughing so I don't cry).... We had snow before Halloween...and the coldest temps I can ever remember in October (I don't recall them ever being this cold but...). So this past weekend we had about 8 inches of snow... wasn't so worried as I went out and bought a new electric heater...but we lost power Saturday afternoon....so I froze Sat night into Sunday night when the power came back on. This really helped the cold I'm fighting. Anyway, because of the snow the Halloween party at the dance place I go cancelled and is not going to reschedule....and I worked so hard on my costume! Was looking forward to going out and having some fun as I sit home too much lately. And the cold temps continue so I'm going to have to make those MAJOR repairs...to the tune of about 10 grand ...give or take a few thousand.....money that I don't have. Am hoping the water pipes don't freeze because then I'll have even more problems. I can't walk away from my home (well....I can but I'll lose all the equity I've built up over the past 20 years) and I really have no where else to live. Can get an apartment but the rents are really high and I'll need a security deposit. Besides I have so much to pack, throw out and just give away ... it will take months to organize. It's overwhelming!!!
So I'm trying to do a loan modification on my mortgage to give me some breathing room....but I don't have much faith that they will offer me the help I'm seeking. Meanwhile I'm trying to eat right (not doing bad on this), exercise (doing terrible with this one) and just keep a positive attitude. Whenever I try to talk to my daughter about this she starts crying --- it's been really stressful for both of us the past few years.
When I lost the weight and got this new job I finally thought my ship came in....but I found myself waiting at the airport! lolol. I know it's not funny but humor is helping me through some of this...and a lot of crying but I'm strong and I know I can move past this, rise above and still reach higher ground.
I would love to win the lottery like so many others....a quick fix. But I'll never win because I would give too much away to others in need....and probably be left with very little for me and my daughter.
But.... irrespective of it all..... I WILL find a way through it . I WILL rise above it! I worked too hard to get my life back and I'm not going to give up. I worked hard to get my weight back to a normal number and I worked hard to get this job I now have. (It doesn't pay enough but it's a starting point and I had to start at the bottom to get my foot in the door. I'm very smart, educated, experienced and I have so much to offer to any employer... I just need to be given the chance.)
In the meantime I'm hoping that the temperatures hold out till I can do the repairs I must do and I'm looking forward to going away on a dance weekend in 2 weeks....something my daughter and I planned about 3 months ago..... we NEED it...and we will have fun doing what we love....dancing. With that in mind I have to get back to exercising so I'm toned and I fit into my sexy dance clothes for that weekend. Are my goals shallow....YEP...they are. But I need some short term motivation to keep me moving forward. I am not a quitter. I may take a break so I can regroup...but I'll never give in or up!
If you made it this far....thanks for listening to me vent. I may not respond to comments but they do help me make it through so thanks in advance for the support. I WILL get back on Spark and offer support but right now my shoulders are holding all they can bear.
Hugs! Keep Sparkin....it works!