Harder than estimated
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I had this light bulb moment from the seminar about stress and decided to say goodbye to the stress in my life. I might not be able to be as "perfect" as I would wish in eating, exercising, friendliness, tidiness etc. etc but I can decide that all negative thoughts on this can be banned from my brain. I can kindly but firmly reject those thought and say "no, you don´t..." and take care of myself.
So this I have been doing since friday - and this morning (wednesday) I woke up and thought "I don´t WANT to change! It´s too hard!"
Do I want to feel lousy, do I want that emotional pain, do I want the selfcontempt and hopelessness?
I should not think so.
But still - I sort of long to be a victim, to dwell in self-pity, to feel powerless and small... or do I?
I know that I do not but obviously I feel so secure with those emotions that I prefer them to be in this unknown territory of respecting myself.
I am puzzled - but during the day I talked to a friend who gave me perspective. She studies Bowen in Washington - about family system and how patterns are set for generations. Which means that it is not only "me" that has this habit of selfcontempt, anxiety and depression - it goes back for generations in the family system. Which means that those strings will be jerked whenever provoked and it is not "only" to stop.
It will demand a lot of work and will power - which I probably do not have.
What I do have is a twelve step program and some good advice. One day at the time is the best.
Just for today I will think constructive and loving about myself. I can go back to whining and depression tomorrow if I want but today I can manage to stay in that non-stressed mode. I do not have to worry about what decision to make tomorrow...
Just for today!