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Harder than estimated

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I had this light bulb moment from the seminar about stress and decided to say goodbye to the stress in my life. I might not be able to be as "perfect" as I would wish in eating, exercising, friendliness, tidiness etc. etc but I can decide that all negative thoughts on this can be banned from my brain. I can kindly but firmly reject those thought and say "no, you don´t..." and take care of myself.

So this I have been doing since friday - and this morning (wednesday) I woke up and thought "I don´t WANT to change! It´s too hard!"

Hmmm.

Do I want to feel lousy, do I want that emotional pain, do I want the selfcontempt and hopelessness?

I should not think so.

But still - I sort of long to be a victim, to dwell in self-pity, to feel powerless and small... or do I?

I know that I do not but obviously I feel so secure with those emotions that I prefer them to be in this unknown territory of respecting myself.

I am puzzled - but during the day I talked to a friend who gave me perspective. She studies Bowen in Washington - about family system and how patterns are set for generations. Which means that it is not only "me" that has this habit of selfcontempt, anxiety and depression - it goes back for generations in the family system. Which means that those strings will be jerked whenever provoked and it is not "only" to stop.
It will demand a lot of work and will power - which I probably do not have.

What I do have is a twelve step program and some good advice. One day at the time is the best.

Just for today I will think constructive and loving about myself. I can go back to whining and depression tomorrow if I want but today I can manage to stay in that non-stressed mode. I do not have to worry about what decision to make tomorrow...

Just for today!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PARISTASAI
    I like this!
    As ACoAs we are so used to the lousy, it is scary to step out of it!
    Just for today I, too, will think and do constructive and loving things about and for myself. I can go back to procrastinating building good health habits tomorrow if I want!
    Tack!
    2947 days ago
  • NANT406
    emoticon for sharing. Your inspire me with your insite. Change is hard but you can do it. Keep on sparking dear friend.

    emoticon
    2948 days ago
  • PICTUREME40
    emoticon Great job! Keep those positive affirmation close and they can help you to stay in the now instead of in the past or looking to far into the future.

    emoticon
    2948 days ago
  • LHLADY517
    Wow, thanks for sharing. You are so right. It is hard to change and we cling to the familiar.
    2948 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    Breaking a cycle is hard work, and I like your attitude of one day at a time.
    I know...
    emoticon
    2948 days ago
  • JITZUROE
    This was so deep and insightful for me. See, I was reading Shrink Yourself, and there was a chapter on how we are pretty much programmed by friends and family (and ourselves) to self hate and bash and be negative toward our bodies and how that poison needs to stop. When I was supposed to track how often I bashed myself in one day I was floored! It made me think back to childhood memories of my mom and how she did the same thing to herself! And YES, it is a familial pattern since our parents gleaned that from their parents, etc.

    But you ARE breaking that cycle and reforming new brain patterns to love love love yourself and keep the positive in your day. How great is that???

    : )
    Bren
    2948 days ago
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