Day 18 Identify something you like about your personality
Sunday, October 09, 2011
This is incredibly difficult for me. I don't really like myself and the things that I used to like about myself are now things that I identify as being self-destructive.
What can I say? I have always worked even if it meant breathing in iron shards while working in a nail factory, or balancing precariously enormous trays waitressing in a Mexican restaurant. I've been a cashier, a home-health care worker who bathed strangers and changed their adult diapers; I've been a secretary and a medical records clerk. I've written a book selected as a choice of the Book of the Month Club and I've been generous with my time as a volunteer. But I've felt sorry for myself so often! If I need to earn money for my family and get up at 4 AM to drive 35 miles across the county to be there at 5 AM to change the diaper and give a shower to a woman who's suffering from Alzheimer's, I do it. But yet, there are parts of me that resent it. So that's not admirable.
What about the part of me that is quick to respond when somebody asks for a donation? Generous, yes, but then I start to brood about how I really needed the money for my own household. And then I can get angry if I am not thanked. What's the point of donating to somebody's cause if I expect to get thanked? On the one hand, is it wrong to expect a nice, quick thank-you if you are giving away money? On the other hand, why expect an acknowledgement at all?
I guess that I'm saying that the traits I have that could be construed as admirable--a willingness to work at anything; a willingness to donate money and time to good causes--are traits that I can also despise in myself.
My personality has become more negative and fearful over the decades. Some of the things I used to like about myself--a good sense of humor, intellectual discipline, a devotion to making my children happy--I now see have either disappeared or have not worked out.
Grrrr....there's nothing I like about my personality. Could that be one of the reasons that I've draped myself in a heavy mantle of fat?