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Hard things I coped with...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I had a hard blow this evening - my daughter has expressed that she wants to live with me and her father does not allow that. My first step was to ask social security to speak with him - they did and he told them that my daughter had not said anything like that.(Which according to my daughter is a lie) So I asked if social security could talk to her without any of us being present, in case she did not want to speak her true mind if she thought she would hurt us. This evening I got a message that her father refuses to let her speak to social security - which means I have to decide wether to sue him or not. I am really really scared just by thinking of that. Scared to lose and what will happen to my mind if I do - last time I nearly killed myself and I do not want that to happen...

So it is kind of ironical that today list should be about "hard things I have coped with..." I am not so sure I will cope with this but anyway here goes:

1. Lived through cancer treatment.
2. Being dumped and harassed during chemo by the father of my child
3. Losing in court the question where my child should live - the court thought it best for her to stay with her father because that was the environment she was used to, while I moved to my old home town. That was the worst blow ever, mainly because I did not see it coming at all, I was so sure that anybody should see that she was best off with me.
4. Living for 2,5 years only seeing my daughter four days every month.
5. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol and joining AA. The rest of the steps have made my life much better.
6. Giving up my life as self-employed and becoming employed.(there is a very good side to that, a secure economy)
7. Realising I had to simplify my life and giving up my horses - I really miss them.
8. Not being invited to my step daughters wedding - if I read this from somebody else I would think that she prbably was a shrew but I have never been anything but nice to that girl and I know that it was her father that prevented it, I just can´t figure out why she went along with it. I have to speak with her but I fear it.
9. Giving up my farm and moving back home.
10. Boarding with friend for 1,5 years - I coped quite well but it was hard as a grown up not having a place of my own.

Looking at that list I ralise that all ten things has happened during the last seven years, was my life a dance on roses before that? Not really, I started a company and worked my butt off twenty years ago and I had a job as a youth leader that brought me crying to a therapist... but all those things were leading up to better stuff, the situation I am in now seems sort of hopeless and make me feel bad about myself. I need to count my blessings and make the best of it. Is is all I got. And thinking about it I have a lot!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NANT406
    Thank you for sharing. The last seven years sounds like you went through a great deal. The fact that you're still trying is proof of how strong you are. Keep on sparking and know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon
    2969 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    My heart goes out to you...you have survived much in this life and perhaps you will need to survive more. You are a very strong woman and you are strong enough to do what needs to be done. What is the worst that could happen if you went to court? Could it get worse than it is now? When I went to court trying to have someone be with my ex-husband when the kids visited him, my lawyer advised keeping a journal of all the activities I did with my kids. It was quite eye-opening. I'd suggest starting that journal now if you don't already do it. And getting your daughter to keep a journal, maybe she can express her feelings better in words. I know I can. I don't know what this life has in store for you...things that you need to live through in order to grow and learn. Only you can figure out how much your mind and heart can handle. And you can figure out what is right for you and your daughter. It may take much prayer and meditation and reflection. If she sees you being strong then she will know she can be strong. Act as if....
    Love, Phyllis
    2970 days ago
  • 1_AMAZING_WOMAN
    That is an awful lot to go through and survive in only 7 years. Though at one point you felt really broken by what you were going through, it didn’t fully break you; you put the pieces together. Just like an egg that was shattered and glued back together has some fragility, it also has a strength it never had before. And, plainly you are a very strong woman to have survived it all and are apparently a stronger woman today. Yes, you still have your fears, yes. But, you can deal with them. Even if you sued him and lost, you are no worse off than you are today. Maybe more wounded for awhile, maybe a little poorer, but not suing leaves you surely without your daughter. I know it would be difficult to go against someone who treated you the way your ex treated you; traumatizing even. I do hope things work out in the end for you in a way that works for both you and your daughter.

    Blessings,
    Ambe
    r

    2971 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/23/2011 2:03:40 PM
  • KAMAPERRY
    Praying for you and your daughter!
    2971 days ago
  • SAM60SUMTHINK
    You are a survivor. Though some awfully difficult hurdles were thrown in your path, you found ways to overcome, to persevere. BE PROUD, because you deserve to sit back and think positively of these things you have put behind you. Ok, there are more that take their place: that IS life. And there are times when everything feels like walls tumbling down on all sides. But you do get through. Step. By. Step.

    Whatever is best for your child is what must be done. If asking SS whether they will talk with her in private consultation about her feelings is possible, you will feel more at ease. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
    2971 days ago
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