Hard things I coped with...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I had a hard blow this evening - my daughter has expressed that she wants to live with me and her father does not allow that. My first step was to ask social security to speak with him - they did and he told them that my daughter had not said anything like that.(Which according to my daughter is a lie) So I asked if social security could talk to her without any of us being present, in case she did not want to speak her true mind if she thought she would hurt us. This evening I got a message that her father refuses to let her speak to social security - which means I have to decide wether to sue him or not. I am really really scared just by thinking of that. Scared to lose and what will happen to my mind if I do - last time I nearly killed myself and I do not want that to happen...
So it is kind of ironical that today list should be about "hard things I have coped with..." I am not so sure I will cope with this but anyway here goes:
1. Lived through cancer treatment.
2. Being dumped and harassed during chemo by the father of my child
3. Losing in court the question where my child should live - the court thought it best for her to stay with her father because that was the environment she was used to, while I moved to my old home town. That was the worst blow ever, mainly because I did not see it coming at all, I was so sure that anybody should see that she was best off with me.
4. Living for 2,5 years only seeing my daughter four days every month.
5. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol and joining AA. The rest of the steps have made my life much better.
6. Giving up my life as self-employed and becoming employed.(there is a very good side to that, a secure economy)
7. Realising I had to simplify my life and giving up my horses - I really miss them.
8. Not being invited to my step daughters wedding - if I read this from somebody else I would think that she prbably was a shrew but I have never been anything but nice to that girl and I know that it was her father that prevented it, I just can´t figure out why she went along with it. I have to speak with her but I fear it.
9. Giving up my farm and moving back home.
10. Boarding with friend for 1,5 years - I coped quite well but it was hard as a grown up not having a place of my own.
Looking at that list I ralise that all ten things has happened during the last seven years, was my life a dance on roses before that? Not really, I started a company and worked my butt off twenty years ago and I had a job as a youth leader that brought me crying to a therapist... but all those things were leading up to better stuff, the situation I am in now seems sort of hopeless and make me feel bad about myself. I need to count my blessings and make the best of it. Is is all I got. And thinking about it I have a lot!