Fed up with my five-year-old
Sunday, September 18, 2011
So we started an ACA-group in my town two weeks ago and it has been two meetings. So far most of the people attending are people I met in other twelvestep-groups but it is far more emotional in this group - weird.
I find that when other share how there childhood has brought decisions for life that has become destructive when they have grown up, I feel a lot of tolerance and love for them - and I am relieved because I am not alone in carrying damages along that keeps me from doing things that I want to do - for example being healthier and taking good care of myself.
But I am also very provoked when people speak about their inner child. I wonder hy and think that it might be because i hae experienced a lot of people who aoid responsibility for their actions by saying that their inner child is so important that they can´t fulfill the commitments they have made.
But yesterday something else dawned on me - I am really furious and fed up with my inner child. I want to kick her in the butt and scream COME ON! GROW UP! Because I am dead tired of her messing up my life. I can´t find any other reaso for my destructive behaviour than this childish incability to be responsible.
When I spotted this (not for the first time but more like again) last week I thought about my messy house and chaotic ecomomy and failur to get things done because I fall into paralysis - "It´s too much, I can´t do it!". And I thought of imagining myself as a real five-year-old... what if a real five-year -old was living in my house and trying to manage my life - the outcome would be sort of what it 9s like today apart from the areas where I have grown-up spots - commitments to other people, motherhood. These areas I am good in and manage easily.
So imagining that five-yearold trying to cope, made me more tolerant and loving towards myself - but just for a while. Suddenly I realised that underneath those loving thought there is a growing irritation - I am SO fed up with this childish acting. I am SO fed up hat whenever I have managed to get things in order, enjoying a clean house and papers and moeny in pleasant order - I start to mess it up and tear down the routines I have tried to make. I want to punch that five-year-old in the face and ask her o get he h..l out of my life!
It was interesting to feel how angry I really was with my inner child... I phoned a friend who has been in therapy and explained my frustration. She told me that she had spent a long tim at the therapist crying and mourning over her childhood, once she realised that her mother was a bad xample and that was not common - up until then she had thought that everybody else also had mothers that was not capable enough. The realisation that she had been unlucky made her cry for a while and then she could start to heal.
My problem is that it is impossible to be angry with my mother. She was a coe and later in life an alcoholic, but she was also un and loving and meeting up with her responsabilities to the best of her knowledge. It was me that very early decided that there was no comfort or help to get, I had to take care of myself because nobody else would. Very sad and I have cried a lot of that sad situation.
But it is over. I do have a life and I do have a lot going on in my favour. But somehow that five-year old is not satisfied. She wants more and I am reaaly, really fed up.
I might put her up for adoption...