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Fed up with my five-year-old

Sunday, September 18, 2011

So we started an ACA-group in my town two weeks ago and it has been two meetings. So far most of the people attending are people I met in other twelvestep-groups but it is far more emotional in this group - weird.

I find that when other share how there childhood has brought decisions for life that has become destructive when they have grown up, I feel a lot of tolerance and love for them - and I am relieved because I am not alone in carrying damages along that keeps me from doing things that I want to do - for example being healthier and taking good care of myself.

But I am also very provoked when people speak about their inner child. I wonder hy and think that it might be because i hae experienced a lot of people who aoid responsibility for their actions by saying that their inner child is so important that they can´t fulfill the commitments they have made.

But yesterday something else dawned on me - I am really furious and fed up with my inner child. I want to kick her in the butt and scream COME ON! GROW UP! Because I am dead tired of her messing up my life. I can´t find any other reaso for my destructive behaviour than this childish incability to be responsible.

When I spotted this (not for the first time but more like again) last week I thought about my messy house and chaotic ecomomy and failur to get things done because I fall into paralysis - "It´s too much, I can´t do it!". And I thought of imagining myself as a real five-year-old... what if a real five-year -old was living in my house and trying to manage my life - the outcome would be sort of what it 9s like today apart from the areas where I have grown-up spots - commitments to other people, motherhood. These areas I am good in and manage easily.

So imagining that five-yearold trying to cope, made me more tolerant and loving towards myself - but just for a while. Suddenly I realised that underneath those loving thought there is a growing irritation - I am SO fed up with this childish acting. I am SO fed up hat whenever I have managed to get things in order, enjoying a clean house and papers and moeny in pleasant order - I start to mess it up and tear down the routines I have tried to make. I want to punch that five-year-old in the face and ask her o get he h..l out of my life!

It was interesting to feel how angry I really was with my inner child... I phoned a friend who has been in therapy and explained my frustration. She told me that she had spent a long tim at the therapist crying and mourning over her childhood, once she realised that her mother was a bad xample and that was not common - up until then she had thought that everybody else also had mothers that was not capable enough. The realisation that she had been unlucky made her cry for a while and then she could start to heal.

My problem is that it is impossible to be angry with my mother. She was a coe and later in life an alcoholic, but she was also un and loving and meeting up with her responsabilities to the best of her knowledge. It was me that very early decided that there was no comfort or help to get, I had to take care of myself because nobody else would. Very sad and I have cried a lot of that sad situation.

But it is over. I do have a life and I do have a lot going on in my favour. But somehow that five-year old is not satisfied. She wants more and I am reaaly, really fed up.
I might put her up for adoption...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NANT406
    emoticon for sharing. You're very insiteful. I never have given much thought to my "inner child" but now you've inspired me to. Good luck in your journey. emoticon emoticon
    2966 days ago
  • PARISTASAI
    emoticon

    Here are some balloons for your inner child! Maybe we could start a play group!

    Thanks for the insight. I think I am done having a child run my life, too, even if it is me!
    2977 days ago
  • NEUSERIVER
    Your post is brilliant in many ways...shining a light in the shadows of ourselves, providing insight to our behaviors, but most importantly inspiring us (you, me, any reader)to heal through the anger, the tears, and the revelations they reveal.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences here with us!
    2977 days ago
  • 1_AMAZING_WOMAN
    What an excellant, descriptive post!

    We all have an inner child, though I too hate it when in groups or whatever somebody goes on and on about their inner child. I want to tell them this is an adult group and to keep their child at home.
    emoticon

    I have found that the only way my inner child grows up is for me to give her the love and attention she needs, and to guide her in the ways of growing up. Nobody trained me in how to grow up. I had to do it myself, and some parts plainly didn't grow up so well. So, it is up to me to take 'her' by the hand and give her the training from what I have learned as an adult. I think mine is a teen-ager now; spirited, angry, rebellious, and wanting some fun!
    emoticon

    Amber
    2977 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    I imagine you have a vivid imagination. Perhaps if you quietly sit down and visualize holding and loving your 5-year old inner child, she will calm down. Obviously you as a child needed that and did not get it. Now, as an adult, and a GOOD mother, you can be a good mother to your inner child. While you are holding her, tell her all the things you wish you had been told as a child. You may have to do this a while, but I think you may have really figured out why some things happen in your adult life and helped me figure them out, too. I'm going to go give my inner child some love and attention that I missed out on back then.
    emoticon
    2977 days ago
  • AAAACK
    It's funny I'm just now re-reading the part of Shrink Yourself that touches on that brat that lives inside so many of us. I'm learning to deal with mine as well. I think the good news is that we CAN learn to deal with her. It just may take more realization sessions before we wrestle her into her little corner. Good luck to us both!
    2977 days ago
  • JITZUROE
    Awwwww, i feel for you. I also had a mother void in my life that of course molded and shaped how I deal with things as an adult, as much as I would try to deny that. I was sad for many years that she left, but had to actually forgive her in my heart before I could move on. Seems so odd, but I really had to do it since I was harboring so much crap about it, and fueling the tantrums of my 5 year old inner child as well. I get that you are fed up with that inner kiddo : )
    great blog.......
    Bren
    2977 days ago
  • KAMAPERRY
    Love, love, love your insight!!! I have a twin to your inner child! She is so contrary!! We need to put both of them in time out! Seriously, though, you are way ahead for learning this and now you will be more alert to what is going on, I am so proud of you!
    2978 days ago
  • DREENAMT
    This is so awesome. I agree -- that inner child has to get the boot sometime. A boyfriend once told me "I am free at any time to create a different future -- or a different past." It's so true.

    I am inspired by your insight.
    2978 days ago
  • LKWQUILTER
    Thanks for opening my eyes. I never thought it was the inner child's fault--just mine. My child will join yours in time-outs and maybe I can get my act together too. ((HUGS))
    2978 days ago
  • COOKWITHME65
    Put your plans in place and go for it. We all feel better in a less stressed environment. If that inner child appears tell her that if she interferes again she will be sent to the time out chair.
    2978 days ago
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