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Dangerous thoughts

Friday, September 02, 2011

Sometimes I write here and sometimes I write thoughts in a notebook. Thoughts that I don't want to share even in the anonymity of the internet. Very few people know me here and in my "real" life. I do that so that I can say what I want to say and keep the blogs and such real.

Through my writing and thinking and walking I realized that I am the lowest weight I have been since my oldest was born. I was close to this weight when my youngest was born.. He did not nurse well and I got stressed with some other issues with him and quite eating as healthy. I am back where I was. This feels like a dangerous place because I have not been here in such a long time.

the fear is that I will turn around and go back AND there is fear that I will continue and become someone I don't know.

It feels awkward to keep my habits. I really think I want sugar. I know this is not true but, I think that it is. I feel kind of like a toddler waking into the unknown.

At the same time I feel strong and confident because I have lost 45 pounds. Even if the road is still long I have traveled part of it. You learn things when you lose 40 pounds. Even if my eating is not perfect it is better. Even if I could do whatever better I am so far from where I was.

I am succeeding. I need to remember that. I am embracing change. I need to know that too.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LNZMANSFIELD
    I think we all have those worries and fears! I think about being "skinny" like I was all the time. What if I am not happy enough? What if I gain it all back? I was under 200 when I moved back to MT 5 years ago, what happens if I reach that goal? Will I be viewed differently? I think fears can be dangerous but I also think they can help us to know we are stronger and will overcome them. The last time I was under 200, I wasn't "healthy". I rarely ate...I replaced food with cigarettes and alcohol - both very unhealthy for me. I am not smoking and while I occasionally have a drink, I do not drink excessively like I did 5 years ago. I have learned a lot from actually putting in the sweat and man-hours to my weightloss that I appreciate it more and won't go back! Good luck! You will reach and exceed your goals and expectations!
    3572 days ago
  • ITSHOWYOULIVE
    Fear is a natural response to lots of situations. Fear is there to keep you alive. Don't let fear cripple you, but use it as a motivator to keep you moving forward. You can do it!!!
    3572 days ago
  • BE-THE-CHANGE
    Unknown territory can be scary but we are here to support you.
    3572 days ago
  • NANCY-
    I understand. Last night I slipped back into old habits. Did they comfort me in any way? NO!
    It is a thin life as we adjust to our new lifestyle, the old beckons, but the new just feels so good.
    You are doing great!!!!
    3572 days ago
  • WALKINGGRANDMA
    I really do understand. I have shot down my own success more than I want to admit. I've thought a lot about it and there are a lot of reasons.

    Addiction. I am a foodaholic. I come from a family who has addictive traits. I believe some of those are inherited. My paternal family has a large amount of obesity and alcoholism and drug abuse in it. My mother's family has its share of addicts as well.

    Body Image. I am invisible when I am obese/overweight. Getting rid of that insulation causes me to be visible to others. Then I have to deal with them in a way I'm not always comfortable doing.

    Comfort. Food is comforting. It is there when I'm happy, lonely, sad, bored, busy, etc. It is something to do in the car (new habit to NEVER eat in the car.) It is something to do when watching a movie (why do I need food to watch a movie?) It is something I do when I'm doing other things. Next plan is to get to the place where I eat only at the table with real dishes. Not an easy habit for someone who lives alone, but I'm game.

    The advantages are great. Stronger, more flexible, lighter on feet, more powerful, able to fit in seats, through doors, use seatbelts, etc. Fit in "regular" sizes. Lots of fun pluses.

    It is hard to make that transition. Living a lifetime with a particular relationship with food is hard to change. You are doing great. Figure out your motivators, your "reason" for changing and run with it. It has to be something for you and not for someone else.

    I read "The 60 Second Motivator" and found some interesting thoughts on finding the thing that will help you decide that change is good. It has to be your reason and not someone else's even if it sounds good.
    3573 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6232784
    You have gained much knowledge through this journey.

    emoticon
    3573 days ago
  • CAPECODLIGHT
    Very insightful blog. It's like you are learning to walk all over again and your steps are uncertain. Clearly the journey isn't over when we've lost a lot of weight. The good and bad news is we have the power to change, which is wonderful and scary. Keep writing about this, either in a blog or privately. I think that will help tremendously.

    emoticon
    3573 days ago
  • JUSTYNA7
    Look in the mirror and introduce yourself. Yup, there is something familiar... but NOT. This is a new you. I know it feels scary but you are a different person than you were at this weight before. LOL, it certainly is weight in different places. You can work through this... and thank you for sharing this fear. emoticon Justyna emoticon
    3573 days ago
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