Friday, September 02, 2011
Sometimes I write here and sometimes I write thoughts in a notebook. Thoughts that I don't want to share even in the anonymity of the internet. Very few people know me here and in my "real" life. I do that so that I can say what I want to say and keep the blogs and such real.
Through my writing and thinking and walking I realized that I am the lowest weight I have been since my oldest was born. I was close to this weight when my youngest was born.. He did not nurse well and I got stressed with some other issues with him and quite eating as healthy. I am back where I was. This feels like a dangerous place because I have not been here in such a long time.
the fear is that I will turn around and go back AND there is fear that I will continue and become someone I don't know.
It feels awkward to keep my habits. I really think I want sugar. I know this is not true but, I think that it is. I feel kind of like a toddler waking into the unknown.
At the same time I feel strong and confident because I have lost 45 pounds. Even if the road is still long I have traveled part of it. You learn things when you lose 40 pounds. Even if my eating is not perfect it is better. Even if I could do whatever better I am so far from where I was.
I am succeeding. I need to remember that. I am embracing change. I need to know that too.