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Im on vacation- and re-setting my goals!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ok... here is what I know- I have been trying to go after what I want for as long as I remember- I spent my allowance as a child on a VHS workout tape, Tami Lee Web/Buns of steel. I have been on weight watchers several times, like probably 5- and the last time was June/July of last year up until June of this year. I have tried several different workout plans, read several weight loss books, and tried several different workouts, reward systems, I have had 2 different personal trainers, tried about 5 different gyms.... so whats the deal? Its not like I don't want it. Im obsessed with finding what it is that will work. I have so much knowledge about it, that scientifically, I know what I need to do-

So... I have been doing some real searching--- deep deep bones I have dug up lately- stirred up old feelings, and although it seems like its getting worse, its probably has to before it gets better-

I am kind of mad at myself for being so down pretty much this whole month. But I know that I am always right where I am supposed to be.... and I got into a few huge fights with my mom in the last few days... and I think from them I learned something.

My mom is a wonderful mom, but very protective and controlling. I think I figured it out that if something is not her idea- she doesn't approve of it or want anything to do with it..She wants to be in her comfort zone. The thing is... I am an adult, and I shouldn't need her approval for the things I do. But, my whole life- anytime I started something- I don't think I finished anything without her. Like- even baking cookies- She would take over because I was too slow, or making a mess, or she wanted her kitchen back--- I wanted to be in band in school... Nope- horses was my hobby- that she chose for me- and she made me pick between my horse and band. I picked the horse. If I try to lose weight- I don't feel support from her. She would like to lose some weight, and when I was on weight watchers, she would scoff at me when I was calculating my points or sitting at her dinner table with my ww books in my hand. Just last Thursday I told a group of people that I had a few days off of work and I was sooooo looking forward to it because I needed some down time... she gave me the scrunched up face look and asked me what I needed a break for... and why was I so stressed. Also... my friend asked me if I was going to the horse show this weekend and I said I was going to try it.... my mom was like "you are?" I was like- yeah... she was very discouraging and telling me my horse isn't ready because he just got over a lameness and there was no way that I would have him ready--- It goes on much deeper-- from there- like- it got really ugly-- Things are patched up pretty good now but I realized that if its not mom's idea- she doesn't approve of it. I have also realized that I am very sucessful when I have her support. Its like I feel like I can do anything that she tells me I can do.

So- why can't I tell myself to do what I know I need to do?
Why do I feel like I need to be told specifically what to do?
I think this is why I have been looking to Lauren so much for direction. I know what I need to do... its just like I need someone else to tell me to do it.

Whats that all about?

I went and did some reading on spark tonight- and my mind is in a much better place now... I need to tell myself its ok to take orders from myself- and finish something that I set out to do.

Am I making any sense? Can anyone relate to my mom and the situation with my need to have her approval for the things that I set out to do?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LARAEELIZABETH
    Girl, I totally relate. I think that our moms come from different times than us, as cliche as that sounds, and they are just so damn set in their ways that they can't even wrap their minds around the concept of "different." I have been dealing with this a lot with my mom too, even my whole family, especially since I have just decided to be a vegetarian. The second I mention it, it's like I'm evil! My family spent a good chunk of the night making fun of me and telling me how dumb it is to be a vegetarian.

    I totally understand your mom situation right now, and it takes a lot of time to sift through those emotions. I think once you really start to go through your emotions towards your mom, you will be in a much better place to actually follow through on the things you know you should be doing. Emotional issues almost have to be handled before any physical change can occur....the power of the mind is amazing!

    Love and miss you!!!
    3577 days ago
  • no profile photo BAYSIDE07
    I can relate to the difficulty in separating from your mother, but I think you MUST do it before you can truly be an adult and take control of your own life. As long as you perceive her as the person who controls you, you don't take responsibility for yourself.
    3579 days ago
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