I'm scared- this is a VERY difficult blog to post!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Okay Spark Friends. I want to apologize ahead of time. This is NOT a happy blog. And I NEED to get this off my chest but I can't tell anyone I know in "real life" if you know what I mean.
I'm terrified out of my mind right now. I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am realizing that I really really really don't want another baby! I know it's a HORRIBLE time to realize this, after the baby has been conceived! My husband and I talked it over... and I thought it was what I wanted. Well, I sorta knew all along that I was fine with the two kids I already had. But I felt that my husband REALLY wanted another and I want to make him happy. So I figured it wouldn't be so bad. And besides, I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which makes conception more difficult. However, what I didn't realize was that losing 127 pounds made my body extremely healthy and thus more accepting of conception. I told my husband we would "try" to conceive until I was 34. After that, I felt I was too old to be having children. It's not worth the "over 35" risks to me. I have 2 beautiful healthy children and I was fine with that. And honestly, I didn't think I would get pregnant. I have a history of not ovulating regularly. And I always ovulate from the left side. And it's always painful. Well, guess what? I'm healthy now, and I ovulated from the right side and I never felt it. And here I am... 8 weeks along.
I was so upset the other night that I couldn't even sleep. I cried for 2 hours. Thankfully my husband woke up so we could talk about it. I told him I was scared that I would always look at this baby as the "child I didn't want." And just now, I was thinking about how I really don't want to be pregnant. And the reasons are fairly simple and extremely selfish, which makes this whole situation ever worse!
See, as much as I love my husband, I have to tell you, he is super lazy. He owns a very busy restaurant and bar and he works his ass off every day. But at home, he doesn't do crap! I have to beg and plead to get him to fix things around the house. His idea of interacting with our baby is to hold her while he sleeps in a chair or to lay on the floor and doze while she crawls all over him. It pisses me off to no end and I know that when the baby gets here I will have twice as much work as I do now! I do everything for Lorelei and soon I will have to do everything for Lorelei and for the baby. And I don't feel right asking my teenager to do all kinds of things for the little ones... they aren't *her* babies! My husband also weighs just over 400 pounds and I know this is his problem. I don't believe in my heart that he's happy with his lack of participation in our kid's lives. But yet, he does nothing to remedy the problem, even after watching me lose so much weight.
The other problem is that I worked SO HARD to lose 127 pounds and now I am going to gain. I know, I know, I did it before I can do it again, but DAMMIT I don't WANT to do it again, you know? That thought makes me sick! I also know "it for a good reason" and all the other reasons anyone could give, but it doesn't change the fact that I DO NOT want to gain weight back. I was working on ME. I was becoming a healthy woman, wife and mother. I was happy.
And now... I'm just not. I'm not happy at all. Now, could this just be hormones? Lord, I hope so! But what if it's not? What if I truly don't want this baby? What the hell am I going to do? This is absolutely the worst I have ever felt in my life. I mean, I want desperately to love this baby growing inside me because he/she is a product of the love I share with my husband... but I just can't bring myself to be happy about this. And I'm terrified that I won't be able to! And what if this turns into my inability to bond with my baby when he/she is born! I can't even bear that thought! I told my husband that the other night and he told me that would never happen because I "don't know how not to love." But I'm scared to death!
I just do not know what to do. I mean, I do know what to do... I have to ride this out and try my best to be positive and just accept this. I am going to be a mom of 3 and it's going to mean I'm going to have some very difficult years ahead of me. But I just want to be happy about it. I just don't know HOW to be happy about it!
Sorry to be so down, but I had to get this out...