Friday and I am so DONE!
Friday, August 12, 2011
I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is yesterday I felt lazy and didn't get any scheduled exercise in. The GOOD news is today I was antsy and WANTED to exercise. That has not happened to me in a LONG time! I went back to the community pool for adult lap swim and swam for the whole hour, swimming 60 lengths of the pool.
I also was steered towards a great group here at Spark called DONE being the FAT GIRL! I love it! Because I am soooooo long overdue to being DONE with being fat. I like all my SparkTeams but this one really speaks to me right now. Not only am I DONE with being fat and going to tackle this head on like never before, I am also DONE with beating myself for being alone and not in a relationship.
Today I realized that I have spent a huge portion of my time and energy trying to attract a man. I was the one in high school who never got asked out on a date. I was always thinking I was missing out on something because I didn't have a boyfriend. When I met my future husband for the first time, I connived so many different ways to meet him again. I think I finally wore him down enough he went out with me! I proposed to him by showing him a flyer where rings were on sale! We met in a bar, that should have been a sign.
After 18 years of marriage even I had to admit I wasn't happy and he loved beer and other women more than me. I immediately went into another relationship where it turned out he was an alcoholic. I gave relationships a rest but then slowly was drawn back in to not being alone. I felt like a failure because all of my friends were married and I was alone. It is definitely a couples world, at least in my small corner of the world it is. I turned to dating sites. I live in a small town, I am divorced and in my 50's and obese. How else was I going to find a man?
I have been through a total of 5 "online" turned real life relationships that all ended with me being terribly hurt, the last one as recent as 2 weeks ago. And now I finally realized I am so DONE with that.
I need to be my own best friend first. I need to look after and care for myself. Not only am I done with being fst for health reasons, I am done with the humiliation of being fat.I am done with settling. I am done with being needy and trying to convince someone to love me. I am done with the begging and hoping. I am done with trying to be fulfilled through someone else. If I never am in a relationship again I know that I will be ok. I have learned to be independent, to look after my own health, happiness and finances. I have a career, I am a good teacher. I love my job, I love my kids, I love my dog. I LOVE this new lifestyle and the power I get from being in control of my food and exercise.
Oh yeah, I am soooooooooo DONE!