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Friday and I am so DONE!

Friday, August 12, 2011

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is yesterday I felt lazy and didn't get any scheduled exercise in. The GOOD news is today I was antsy and WANTED to exercise. That has not happened to me in a LONG time! I went back to the community pool for adult lap swim and swam for the whole hour, swimming 60 lengths of the pool.

I also was steered towards a great group here at Spark called DONE being the FAT GIRL! I love it! Because I am soooooo long overdue to being DONE with being fat. I like all my SparkTeams but this one really speaks to me right now. Not only am I DONE with being fat and going to tackle this head on like never before, I am also DONE with beating myself for being alone and not in a relationship.

Today I realized that I have spent a huge portion of my time and energy trying to attract a man. I was the one in high school who never got asked out on a date. I was always thinking I was missing out on something because I didn't have a boyfriend. When I met my future husband for the first time, I connived so many different ways to meet him again. I think I finally wore him down enough he went out with me! I proposed to him by showing him a flyer where rings were on sale! We met in a bar, that should have been a sign.

After 18 years of marriage even I had to admit I wasn't happy and he loved beer and other women more than me. I immediately went into another relationship where it turned out he was an alcoholic. I gave relationships a rest but then slowly was drawn back in to not being alone. I felt like a failure because all of my friends were married and I was alone. It is definitely a couples world, at least in my small corner of the world it is. I turned to dating sites. I live in a small town, I am divorced and in my 50's and obese. How else was I going to find a man?

I have been through a total of 5 "online" turned real life relationships that all ended with me being terribly hurt, the last one as recent as 2 weeks ago. And now I finally realized I am so DONE with that.

I need to be my own best friend first. I need to look after and care for myself. Not only am I done with being fst for health reasons, I am done with the humiliation of being fat.I am done with settling. I am done with being needy and trying to convince someone to love me. I am done with the begging and hoping. I am done with trying to be fulfilled through someone else. If I never am in a relationship again I know that I will be ok. I have learned to be independent, to look after my own health, happiness and finances. I have a career, I am a good teacher. I love my job, I love my kids, I love my dog. I LOVE this new lifestyle and the power I get from being in control of my food and exercise.

Oh yeah, I am soooooooooo DONE!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JMARIES51
    I love your blog, and I totally relate to your story. I feel like I could have written it, minus the alcohol. So don't think that these bad relationships are just because of the alcohol. If you feel you are unlovable, you find people who will prove that. I am finally in a good relationship that is respectable, but that is just because I demand it. So I hope we both can conquer this one last elusive hurdle of controlling the weight and be DONE GIRLS together. Joann
    3593 days ago
  • CRAZEE4MARIAH
    emoticon
    3595 days ago
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