Day 1 of the EPC-
Monday, August 01, 2011
Day 1= boo! I was excited for today to get here- had my goals planned out- and BOO! Bad day- I think that people are definately triggers in my life...misery loves company I guess and I think its time I cashed in some of my friends.
I need to work on putting up my radar bubble when these types of people get around me- I am even wondering if I eat more when certain friends are around (instead of closet eating- which I am also guilty of)
Today- I took my lunch to work- but because I went to the mall with a friend (actually she tagged along with me) I ordered food at a pretzel stand- duh? really? 400 calories not on my daily food plan-- After that I started feeling bad about myself- My plan was to hit a few stores for specific items and I even skipped a store so she could get her lunch... I think I felt obligated to get something- I have walked by that pretzel stand for literally years without stopping. Agh... sigh sigh... then my aunt stopped at my moms tonight and broke into her cookie stash- that also got me joining the party and I had already been there for about an hour without touching it.
So why do I have moments where I feel like... this is it... I finially "get it" and today I am back to talking negative to myself (yes- correcting myself when I do)-... Like today for example-- im sitting at my desk at work and feeling like my pants are tight... but they didn't look tight when I looked in the mirror this morning--but the way I feel when Im sitting- agh- I hope not many people need to come to my desk today- I bet this outfit is making me look huge- i look down at my self - at my hugeness- and then I remember that hello- I wouldn't talk to a friend that way so why would I talk to myself that way? cause- I kinda hate myself- I hate how I look and I hate how hard this stupid ass issue is that seems so simple when it clicks- and that it so hard to keep my brain wrapped around it when it feels easy and here I am back to fat me- I hate it. This is not me- I really really hate it. This feels like a "i want to give up day" and that really scares me because I don't know what else to do, and I never give up- but now more than ever I want to- im really sick of these efforts not making progress- Maybe im going about it all wrong- But just like I need to cash in some of my friends- I need to cash in this person I am being today- I need a fresh start with forward momentum- What is holding me back? Any ideas?