Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I've been fearful of stepping on the scale.....it's kind of like, if I don't see it, it's not there....I know what denial is. How can I be in such denial about my weight? I see myself in the mirror, I see what size my clothes are, I see the things I wish I was doing but can't because of my weight.... I like the encouragement of seeing the numbers decrease on the scale, but I put way too much value on those numbers. If the scale shows no loss or an increase, I feel like a failure. I know this feeling isn't truth...I'm not a failure. I can honestly say I'm being rather lazy and I need to identify why...but it goes back to fear of failure. It's an ugly, vicious cycle. I've gotten way too comfortable in my excess body! There is a saying in recovery--when the pain becomes worse than the fear of change... but I don't want to wait until the pain becomes that unbearable. I don't think that is the healthiest way for me to approach this.
So, these random thoughts today are just being written to get this stuff out of my head. Journaling helps me sift through things. Now it's called blogging. Whatever. I'm trying to focus on making small changes; seeing what I can learn and what I can build upon. I am committed to never giving up. I'm not sure where I'll be at the end of this--maybe self-acceptance? All I know is that God created me with the potential to be better than what I am today and I don't want to waste that gift.