Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Well, it appears most of my friends have dropped off the face of the planet for the moment, so I need to get all of this off of my chest.
Most of the peeps who know of the boy don't love him. They like him when they meet him, but they're not so sure he's giving me what I want or need.
And they'd be right.
But I have a TERRIBLE time giving up on people. As many expectations as I have for people and as much as I want to get rid of them sometimes, I'm just incapable.
I'm going to try to tell this from both sides, as that will help to settle it in my head and not be the complete selfish ahole I accuse him of. He's leaving. For a month. On vacation. With his entire family. His entire vacation will be spent away. None of it with me. None. Zip. Zilch. Yes, I can see he needs time away. Yes, I think vacations are good things. Yes, tickets were booked a long time ago.
And here's my end of it. It's about dang time we built an "us", not a him and them. When he spends ALL of his holidays away from me and ALL of his vacation time away from me and doesn't EVER stay over (TMI - sorry)... I don't think I'm nut in thinking a long-term us isn't being built. So I'm resentful at this point. Not that he's taking a vacation, but couldn't maybe even one week of it be spent with me? I know I'm not Europe, but aren't I something? As for the tickets being booked a while back... we were in a serious relationship then, so yeah. And two, frankly, it wouldn't cost very much to change the tickets, certainly nothing for rich him. He can afford a 7k watch, flying lessons, a CLK AND an E (Mercedes), then I think he can afford a ticket change to come home to be with his girlfriend.
So at this point, I'm resentful, hurt, disappointed, angry... but I've kept my lips zipped. He's been crazy at work, so I've been trying to be supportive. And I'd planned to have a chat when he returned.
Then he says they're boarding in five minutes. They board... and he never called to say good bye. Last phone for a month, you know? I was hurt. I was really hurt. So those zipped lips? Well, that zipper went straight down the drain. Was it very good timing? No. Was I a b-bomb? Oh yeah. I let fly about how upset I am that he didn't think of me or, rather, us in this whole process and that he so rarely does.
I got, in response, that he invited me on this trip. Um... technically... but is it really an invitation when you KNOW that the person can't pay and therefore cannot come? And did I ever say NOT to go on that trip? Nope. Just why did it have to be four weeks and none of it spent trying to build this further? That's all. Suffice it to say... it didn't end up going quite that nicely.
Because he legit looks in the mirror and thinks because he made that initial offer, he's put it all out there.
I don't look in the same mirror. What do I see when I look now? A tired lil girl who just doesn't want to be alone when she's with someone. And I was and have been and last night that occurred to me. Enough.
I'll cop to it all that I did wrong today. Wrong timing, wrong approach, bad idea on losing the zipper... yeah, no kidding. I'll admit to it all and have already apologized for it all.
But you know. I'm just... not that sorry. Which almost makes me sorry. Because I logically know I should be horrendously sorry and I just can't work it up in me. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of working so hard to make this work, to build this relationship, to build a future and to feel so often like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm so disappointed in him right now. I have yet to meet a friend, the sleepover thing, the spend time often thing, the missed hugely important family thing in Missouri thing, etc. I'm angry and sad and so alone. I sat on my porch watching the storm last night and I felt more alone being "with" somebody that I do just being single. What does THAT say? So I just... it's all festered so long. And I'm not one to let things fester, just not my style. But, somehow I thought it was appropriate this time. And yes, another mistake I made. I know it.
That being said, I do apologize for my mistakes. He has yet to apologize for one of his. There was a whole issue a couple of weeks ago that just blew up and it was incredibly insulting to me and my morals/values. Yet, he was in the right in his own head. He always finds a way to look in the mirror and make it never about him, that he does it all right, and I'm just always wrong.
Anyways. So that was all vent. And I'm realizing I could go on for a whole lot longer.
So onto the realization.
I don't deserve this sh!t. I don't freaking deserve it. All relationships have issues and troubles and whatever else. I'm not a freaking rose colored glasses girl. But I don't deserve to be degraded. I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the one who's full of crap. I don't deserve to not have somebody working WITH me to build a stronger relationship. I don't deserve it.
And you know? That's how I've been treating myself too.
ENOUGH. Just freaking enough. Time to give myself some compliments and try to bolster myself up to remember that I am so worth time and effort. I am worth someone who wants to work through the fear of meeting more family. I am worth someone who wants to take enough pride in me to meet his friends. I am worth someone who wants to spend a vacation with me, even if it's not as fancy as Europe. I am worth someone who wants to snuggle me and cuddle me and let me know that I don't have to do it all alone. I am worth so much. And until that person comes along who can give me what I am worth, then I am worth myself.
No more feeling less than, when I should be feeling MORE.
First I'm going to go cry a little bit more though. And not eat chocolate. And then workout some. And eat some homemade fruit salad. And maybe workout some more. I think I'll just exhaust myself so I'll sleep tonight.
On other news. The whole lung issue? I've been needing to get a doctor out here regardless, so I got a referral. The lady asked a bunch of questions about what happened on Saturday and she asked if my hands had gone numb. The answer was yes. She then asked if I was sure I'd had no heart pain. So admittedly, that made me kind of nervous. And stressed. Which, yes, all went into this afternoon. So no eating after midnight tomorrow night before my appt on Thursday. Yes, I was to baby sit a kid, but luckily a friend of mine is going to take the kid for a couple of hours. I wouldn't mind a hand to hold. But... that's not my lot right now. I've spent a lot of years holding my own hand and I'll just keep on doing so.
So if you've managed to make it all the way to the end... thanks for reading. I know. A lot to plow through.