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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Well, it appears most of my friends have dropped off the face of the planet for the moment, so I need to get all of this off of my chest.

Most of the peeps who know of the boy don't love him. They like him when they meet him, but they're not so sure he's giving me what I want or need.

And they'd be right.

But I have a TERRIBLE time giving up on people. As many expectations as I have for people and as much as I want to get rid of them sometimes, I'm just incapable.

I'm going to try to tell this from both sides, as that will help to settle it in my head and not be the complete selfish ahole I accuse him of. He's leaving. For a month. On vacation. With his entire family. His entire vacation will be spent away. None of it with me. None. Zip. Zilch. Yes, I can see he needs time away. Yes, I think vacations are good things. Yes, tickets were booked a long time ago.

And here's my end of it. It's about dang time we built an "us", not a him and them. When he spends ALL of his holidays away from me and ALL of his vacation time away from me and doesn't EVER stay over (TMI - sorry)... I don't think I'm nut in thinking a long-term us isn't being built. So I'm resentful at this point. Not that he's taking a vacation, but couldn't maybe even one week of it be spent with me? I know I'm not Europe, but aren't I something? As for the tickets being booked a while back... we were in a serious relationship then, so yeah. And two, frankly, it wouldn't cost very much to change the tickets, certainly nothing for rich him. He can afford a 7k watch, flying lessons, a CLK AND an E (Mercedes), then I think he can afford a ticket change to come home to be with his girlfriend.

So at this point, I'm resentful, hurt, disappointed, angry... but I've kept my lips zipped. He's been crazy at work, so I've been trying to be supportive. And I'd planned to have a chat when he returned.

Then he says they're boarding in five minutes. They board... and he never called to say good bye. Last phone for a month, you know? I was hurt. I was really hurt. So those zipped lips? Well, that zipper went straight down the drain. Was it very good timing? No. Was I a b-bomb? Oh yeah. I let fly about how upset I am that he didn't think of me or, rather, us in this whole process and that he so rarely does.

I got, in response, that he invited me on this trip. Um... technically... but is it really an invitation when you KNOW that the person can't pay and therefore cannot come? And did I ever say NOT to go on that trip? Nope. Just why did it have to be four weeks and none of it spent trying to build this further? That's all. Suffice it to say... it didn't end up going quite that nicely.

Because he legit looks in the mirror and thinks because he made that initial offer, he's put it all out there.

I don't look in the same mirror. What do I see when I look now? A tired lil girl who just doesn't want to be alone when she's with someone. And I was and have been and last night that occurred to me. Enough.

I'll cop to it all that I did wrong today. Wrong timing, wrong approach, bad idea on losing the zipper... yeah, no kidding. I'll admit to it all and have already apologized for it all.

But you know. I'm just... not that sorry. Which almost makes me sorry. Because I logically know I should be horrendously sorry and I just can't work it up in me. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of working so hard to make this work, to build this relationship, to build a future and to feel so often like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm so disappointed in him right now. I have yet to meet a friend, the sleepover thing, the spend time often thing, the missed hugely important family thing in Missouri thing, etc. I'm angry and sad and so alone. I sat on my porch watching the storm last night and I felt more alone being "with" somebody that I do just being single. What does THAT say? So I just... it's all festered so long. And I'm not one to let things fester, just not my style. But, somehow I thought it was appropriate this time. And yes, another mistake I made. I know it.

That being said, I do apologize for my mistakes. He has yet to apologize for one of his. There was a whole issue a couple of weeks ago that just blew up and it was incredibly insulting to me and my morals/values. Yet, he was in the right in his own head. He always finds a way to look in the mirror and make it never about him, that he does it all right, and I'm just always wrong.

Anyways. So that was all vent. And I'm realizing I could go on for a whole lot longer.

So onto the realization.

I don't deserve this sh!t. I don't freaking deserve it. All relationships have issues and troubles and whatever else. I'm not a freaking rose colored glasses girl. But I don't deserve to be degraded. I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the one who's full of crap. I don't deserve to not have somebody working WITH me to build a stronger relationship. I don't deserve it.

And you know? That's how I've been treating myself too.

ENOUGH. Just freaking enough. Time to give myself some compliments and try to bolster myself up to remember that I am so worth time and effort. I am worth someone who wants to work through the fear of meeting more family. I am worth someone who wants to take enough pride in me to meet his friends. I am worth someone who wants to spend a vacation with me, even if it's not as fancy as Europe. I am worth someone who wants to snuggle me and cuddle me and let me know that I don't have to do it all alone. I am worth so much. And until that person comes along who can give me what I am worth, then I am worth myself.

No more feeling less than, when I should be feeling MORE.

First I'm going to go cry a little bit more though. And not eat chocolate. And then workout some. And eat some homemade fruit salad. And maybe workout some more. I think I'll just exhaust myself so I'll sleep tonight.

On other news. The whole lung issue? I've been needing to get a doctor out here regardless, so I got a referral. The lady asked a bunch of questions about what happened on Saturday and she asked if my hands had gone numb. The answer was yes. She then asked if I was sure I'd had no heart pain. So admittedly, that made me kind of nervous. And stressed. Which, yes, all went into this afternoon. So no eating after midnight tomorrow night before my appt on Thursday. Yes, I was to baby sit a kid, but luckily a friend of mine is going to take the kid for a couple of hours. I wouldn't mind a hand to hold. But... that's not my lot right now. I've spent a lot of years holding my own hand and I'll just keep on doing so.

So if you've managed to make it all the way to the end... thanks for reading. I know. A lot to plow through.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    Aw girl, sorry to hear you are going through all this. I still have to read newer blogs to see if anything has changed but I'm sure all this is there still! On to read more. Just remember, you deserve to be treated like a princess!
    3233 days ago
    You know what would totally serve him right?? It would be that you found somebody else.

    Go to it!!

    I guess I'm just too old to put up with the game he's playing, I'd dump him.

    3237 days ago
    You do not even know how much I get where you are with this relationship! Part of this journey of discovery of self is this painful discovery of how we have allowed ourselves to be treqted and then realizing thats how we have treated ourselves......I hate that I let myself accept being treated as less than and have given all of me to receive less than in return.....I am stuck and have to think about my 2 kids at this point...get out now and find that person who will be your partner.. emoticon
    3238 days ago
  • UVAGRL928
    I've had to make some tough decisions lately about my relationship too. Sometimes you just have to be selfish.... you are worth it. In the end, can you imagine being with him in the future? He's still going to be the same person in a year, 3 years, 5 years, etc. People don't change, so all of these problems you guys are having will still be there in a few years, they will just be worse. I really want you to think of YOU in this decision.... don't think about him or his feelings, take that out of the equation and decide what is best for you. And if it's not him, move on, there are plenty of great men out there. He might be a great guy, but may not be a great guy for you. And if he's not meeting all of your needs, he's probably not the guy for you.
    3238 days ago
    I am so insanely f*cking proud of you. Just, woah.

    3240 days ago
    There’s a reason you don’t FEEL sorry and it’s because there is no reason to. I find that if I have a little blow out (like it sounds like you did) and I feel bad afterwards, it’s because I crossed a line somewhere. If I don’t feel bad, it’s because what I said was warranted and deserved. It sounds like that’s what happened here.

    Listen, you are too special a woman to put more into a relationship than the other person. If he’s not willing to reciprocate, you’re going to have to find that inner strength (that we ALL KNOW you have) and say to him, “I’m worth more than you are willing to give me. If you change your feelings on how much you are willing to invest in this relationship than let me know but you have hurt me with your disregard for my feelings, you have never acknowledged my worth and I’m too special for that. Peace.” I wouldn’t yell it at him (or in an email I wouldn’t use a bunch of caps lock and exclamation points) so it just seems like it’s calmly and rationally said.

    Sometimes men need to be told what you expect from them. Point blank. It's funny, if you talk to your guy friends, they'll all tell you that their ex-girlfriends are crazy and when they give examples of what their ex's did or said, you'll think , "damn, that chick was a crazy B!!" but if you then talk to her, you'll understand that what the guy told you isn't really the WHOLE picture becasue they don't read between the lines at all. So to them, these things kind of come out of left field. It takes them years of marrage to understand a womans "suggestions".

    But when it comes down to it, you ARE better than this. You will always deserve someone who is willing to contribute to and nurture your relationship every day. Don’t ever settle for something that doesn’t feel right.
    Let me know if you need a pep talk anytime emoticon
    3240 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3678520
    Awe!!!! I so want to hold your hand with this!!!! You do deserve the best!!! You can do this!
    3241 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7711146
    You have some AMAZING advice here already, so I am here with some emoticon . Do what is best for YOU.
    3241 days ago
  • MARTY728
    You have great advice provide here. However only you can do it. So.....
    3241 days ago
  • LINZEE636
    As someone who spent 8 years in a relationship, trying to make it work - trying to fit the square peg in the round hole (my fav analogy when things just don't work) - putting in more than enough energy for the two us and then some... I can tell you the otherside is SO much better.

    So much better to know that you can count on YOURSELF. And when you do meet someone else, you will realize that although it's not always butterflies and roses, life is just easier with that person. They don't make your life more stressful or make you doubt yourself or the things you do. They're just there for you - physically and emotionally.

    So hang in there... you deserve only the best!!!
    3241 days ago
    From reading previous blogs, I know you've felt worth much more than he can give you for a while...and of course you are right! You are worth A MILLION TIMES MORE!!
    3241 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8967340
    It took me 7 years in a terrible relationship to realize just how much more I was worth. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve sweetie!!
    3241 days ago
    I know you don't like to give up on people, but don't look at it as giving up on him. Look at it as not giving up on yourself and not settling for someone who seemingly has no interest in being a partner to you and giving you what you need. Relationships are supposed to be give and take, and when one person is doing all the giving and one is doing all the taking, you can't sustain it. Everyone has their limits as to how much they're willing to give without getting anything back in return, and it sounds like you've reached yours. And it sucks, and you mourn the end of the relationship, but in the end you have to do what is right for you.
    3241 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6372002
    This: "And until that person comes along who can give me what I am worth, then I am worth myself." is EXACTLY how I feel.

    It's a tough realization to come to, but you are absolutely 100% correct: you deserve more. While it's true that all relationships have their issues, the fact that he's not really including you in his life (ie. meeting family and friends) is a huge red flag that he's not taking it as seriously as you are.

    Big hugs, hon. And don't forget that you DO deserve to have what you want, and you deserve to be happy.
    3241 days ago
    It doesn't sound like you are very happy in this relationship and it may be time to move on. As for the vacation, maybe I don't know the whole story, but I see his side. He's going with family and it's Europe. It's not something you do everyday, so normally you go for a long time. And he did invite you. Just because you didn't have the money to go doesn't mean he didn't ask you to. But as for the rest of it? He sounds like he doesn't care at all... who leaves their significant other for a month and doesn't call and gush about how much they are going to miss them and figure out a way to still talk while they are gone? You do deserve better.
    3241 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1425027
    Sounds like you are on different paths, and have different goals....

    You know what is best for you - we'll support you no matter what!

    Oh, and keep us posted on that dr thing - yikes!
    3241 days ago
    You are absolutely worth it, and frankly he isn't worth your time. He knows you have a hard time giving up on people, and he's using it to get what he wants, without your getting what you want and need..

    "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." --Maya Angelou

    You can do it. You really can! emoticon
    3241 days ago
  • AWOLF24
    Seems like you've got some pretty smart Sparkfriends on here Morgan. You DO deserve the best and you DO deserve to be happy. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3242 days ago
    You know what you deserve? You deserve to be with someone who is madly, passionately, dont-wanna-be-without-you in love with you. That guy is out there. Dont settle.
    3242 days ago
    Sometimes its easier to feel like you're not alone when you remove that person from the equation that makes you feel like you are spinning your wheels and gives you anxiety. I am not one to give up on people either. I give way too many second chances. I need to learn to "hold my own hand" more often. We ARE worth so much more than this. I hope you stay strong!
    3242 days ago
    Hugs, Hugmonkeymom is right. You've done the best thing at this point you can do. See your own worth.

    As to your guy. He could be a really great guy, but that doesn't make him the right guy for you. Y'all should both be working for the relationship, it doesn't sound like he is holding up that end right now.
    3242 days ago
    Oh honey, big hugs. You have just come to a really REALLY important realization -YOU are worth it...and by it, I mean EVERYTHING. I mean a guy who can make you feel loved, I mean doing what's right to make you healthy, I mean everything.

    You deserve the best.

    Acting on that realization may be tough, but you can do it, and in the end you will be very very very happy. So start today. Find something to do just for you, even if it's just watching a favorite movie and painting your toenails. (I like to buy myself cheap flowers at the grocery store.) Whatever makes you smile.

    You ARE worth it.
    3242 days ago
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