SP Premium


Help Wanted For Abandonment Issues

Monday, July 11, 2011

All of what I'm going to say is tied in with food. My abandonment issues started before I was in school. I found food to be my only source of comfort. Yes, I'm currently at my goal weight but as I mentioned in another blog, I've lost and re-gained weight over and over throughout my life. Hopefully, being a fairly new member of SP, I'll be able to maintain my weight this time.

It was pointed out in therapy today that when I feel someone is going to reject/abandon me I put up a wall and shut down. The bad thing about this (as pointed out to me) my feelings aren't always correct. I do this with everyone! I have this information now. What do I do with it? I want others to like me and I want to have friends.

I know I can tell myself not to shut down and also tell myself feelings aren't facts. I don't know how to get rid of the feelings of thinking I'm going to be abandoned.

If anyone reads this and has suggestions for what I might do, I would appreciate anything you might share.

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SAMI199
    emoticon You have recieved so much good information.I know how difficult this is & support you all the way!
    3291 days ago
    I have huge abandonment issues. When I had a major depression in 1996 all kinds of things came pouring out. I'm moving into a bad depression right now.
    It can be very hard when you have abandonment issues. Sometimes you can know logically what is going on but you may not be able to keep it in perspective and emotionally the pain comes back.
    My therapist left to go into management two years ago this month. I have still not gone to therapy except twice to try two different therapists. I need to go but I still can't accept the one I had for many years leaving like that.
    When I feel good it is easier.
    The one thing that helped me the most was going to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in 2004. It made a huge difference in my life. I learned a lot and learned tools that really helped a lot.
    Another thing I learned was it helps to learn to comfort yourself. Well I heard it but have a hard time putting it into practice. It does sound good though. When you get that feeling of rejection or abandonment and recognize it I think the sooner you acknowledge it and try to do some self comfort it can be easier to put whatever brought it on into perspective.
    I understand well the feeling of wanting/needing everyone to like me. No one can like everyone but it's still hard to think someone doesn't like me. Even if I don't care much for them. It doesn't make sense. I think it's all part of wanting to feel loved and to fit in. Having any kind of abandonment as a child makes it very hard in later years for most people.
    It is hard work to go where you can get some help and insight into the issues. Then learn tools to help you overcome or at least keep under control the thoughts and feelings that cause you so much hurt.
    Know you're not alone in this and feel free to write me if you want to. I've been working on this issue for a long time. It can get better.

    Dee emoticon
    3315 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/13/2011 9:47:22 PM
    My parents were Missionaries so by the time I was 8, we had lived in something like 16 places and the only constant for me was my family. Then I was sent off to boarding school. We had visits and vacations...always ended in separation. Until I went to college in USA and the rest of my family returned to Nigeria. While Nigeria was at war. Ultimate abandonment!
    But I was 8 when this started. My sister was a young 6 when she started school. The difference in developmental age at start of abandonment seems to have made a big difference for us.
    If your abandonment started even younger, it is well entrenched. It will take work. Hope you have friends/family who are willing to understand while you work on this. emoticon
    3316 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/12/2011 11:49:12 AM
    Back as promised, Pat.
    Being conscious of what you are doing, acknowledge the actions and feelings, talk about it. Those are BIG starts in right direction.
    In Feb I vacationed with my (emotionally close) sister; was at her home for the first time in 20 years. Within 2 hours she was 'exhausted' and took a nap. Then we talked about it....Yes, I just got here and I have 5 days. But the reality is 'I will be leaving' and you have an ingrained desire to protect yourself from that loss by withdrawing.
    Even before I arrived, Barb reported (during our discussion) Friend A was asking 'what did I do? Why are you mad at me?". She was cool with the explanation 'I'll give you some space and check back with you next week!'
    Greatly enjoyed the rest of our 5 days and talked about many things!
    But that 'emotional exhaustion' can be overwhelming.
    Summary: Be aware of your feelings and actions. Acknowledge to yourself the way the current situation reminds you of past hurt. Talk about it, if possible with the person you are withdrawing from.

    Hope this made sense, Joyce

    emoticon emoticon
    3316 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5707126
    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I am having those feelings a lot these days with not having my children close. My youngest son just moved away and I am trying to deal and not deal at the same time. I put on a brave face and refuse to let them know how much their not being in touch hurts. I turn to food too but now that I am here with all my Spark Friends support I do much better at putting those insecurities into healthier choices. emoticon
    3317 days ago
    I don't really know if this is going to be any help or not, but I'll try. I want friends and want to be liked too. But the problem is, not everybody will like us. There will always be somebody that will abandon us or make us feel unworthy. We need to find ways around that need for approval. I was rejected right from birth and am just now dealing with the issues, after a lifetime of rejection over and over again, by people that should accept me the just way I am (family) but they just don't.

    It's not your fault. It's not your problem. Be you, and somebody will find you and love you for exactly what you are. If somebody chooses to reject you or not like you, that is THEIR problem. Do not let them CONTROL you, by letting their problems cause you to eat or to shut down. Don't punish yourself for others' choices. All you can do is accept it, pray as hard as you can about it and for the strength to just keep living, and to forgive them. We harbor some sort of distrust or dislike for people that abandon/judge/neglect/reject us and we can't have that in our hearts.

    I wrote a blog about acceptance and I wrote a few others a long time ago about my abandonment issues, if you're interested, here is the link to the most recent blog I posted...

    Write me a private message or any type of message if you want, because I am here for you and will support you through anything and everything. I have felt all the abandonment pain and have gone through it all and I KNOW that we both can prevail and come over these issues so they no longer affect us!
    3317 days ago
    Thanks...this is great, well worded and brave of your to share. I need some time to ponder but will get back to you....Do you want comments here? or by sparkmail?
    I grew up in boarding school with my family hours away...Older when this started but certainly familiar with abandonment issues.
    Joyce emoticon (only thing I saw when
    looking for a hug)
    3317 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/11/2011 8:52:00 PM
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.