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When did I give up......

Friday, July 08, 2011

It's been a rough couple of months, or I guess if I look back, it's been a rough couple of years.

I've struggled with my weight off and on ever since puberty, through an alcoholic mother, a mostly absent father, foster homes, bad first marriage, and eventually landing at 275 lbs. Yes, I was heavy, but I was active. I worked 2-3 jobs, chased the kids, could walk a couple of miles.....besides the lack of self-confidence it never really got in the way.

That was until 2004. That was the year that our son Adam Wayne was stillborn. Burying a child is something no parent ever wants to do, and the day we buried him.....I buried a huge part of myself as well.

We have gotten through the last seven years the best we could, or at least I thought I had.

After Adam we have since had a miscarriage with our son Collin Wesley, and gave birth to a beautiful preemie named Darin. I've worked extremely hard to get accepted into the RN Nursing Program in my town, and am finishing up my last two pre-requisites before the nursing classes start in August. I plan on working in the Labor& Delivery / NICU departments in honor of our two precious angels, and to help others that have to go through what we did.

I've worked so hard on being a great mom, and striving for a future career....Yet, here I sit....lying to myself each week....that this is the week that I will stick to my weight-loss plan. Here I sit at almost 400 lbs...can barely make it to the bathroom without my heart racing....I walk one tenth of a mile across campus and I'm huffing and puffing like a steam engine. I can't play with my children like I want to. I can't go for romantic walks with my husband. I can't even stand at my sink or stove for longer than five minutes at a time.

My livelyhood has changed so much in these last 7 years, all without others even really noticing. Of course they see that I'm larger.....and they see that I don't go out as much....but they don't really see or know the hurt inside. They don't see that part of me that is missing....that part of me that lost my ability to care about my own health when we lost our precious Adam and Collin.

When I go to the grocery store, I can't walk around. I have to ride in the little motorized carts, and as anyone else who has ever had to ride in one can tell you.....people can be right out rude. People look at me and snurl their noses up in disgust.....they look into my cart with shock when they see fruits and veggies instead of junk. That is all they see when they look at me.....they see a fat lady.....they don't even stop to think about the possible reasons as to why this "fat" lady is the way she is. They don't see the loving mother, devoted wife, pre-school teacher, Sunday school teacher, or future nurse.....they only see the failure part of me.

It's been a long time coming, but I finally found the parts of me that didn't care if I exercised or not....the parts of me that didn't care if I stopped at one slice of pizza or ate half. I finally found the parts of me that needs to heal, and I'm ready to try....one step at a time. Adam and Collin wouldn't want me to give up on myself. They would want me to be healthy, and so do I. I want to be here for our other beautiful precious children for a very long time.

It's been a long, heart-felt, soul searching few months, but it's time for me to slowly shed this cocoon I've been hiding in, and show everyone the real me.

Mom to Christina, Kelly, Benjamin, ^Adam^, ^Collin^, and Darin
Precious little angels.....forever loved....forever missed!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Where are you?
    362 days ago
  • no profile photo CD18089804
    917 days ago
    May the Lord continue to heal and bless you. You are so precious to Him.
    985 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    1282 days ago
    Hope this finds you on the road to healthygoals.
    1306 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10748384
    2113 days ago
    never give up! You are a winner!

    spark hug
    2215 days ago

    there is always a new day! I have trouble staying on track too. just keep trying, that is the trick... right.
    3638 days ago
    Your sparkpage background picture is very telling; troubled skies, dead trees and grass. But please look to the blue in the skies. You can do this and we are here to support you. I am so sorry for the loss of your children; your surviving children are a blessing, but do not 'replace'. Please don't give your surviving children the loss of their mother. Our weight takes a great toll on our organs, muscles, and bones. You can do this, Mary. One day at a time. We all care about you.
    3664 days ago

    3664 days ago
    Mary I am so glad that you are hear. I am terribly sorry for you for your angels. I've had to ride in the cart before as well and know you are right. It is almost as if they thik, you are riding in there for fun, or worse yet m- you don't exist. I know it can be very hurtful. You need to see yourself the way others who love you do. I was horrified to learn that I gained more weight back and I am up over 400. Yikes. I am moving ahead now, one day at t atime, and I would be honored if we could become healthier for both of us. Wishing you love and prayers.
    3665 days ago
  • AMY_1217
    I'm sorry for your losses. And I congratulate you on the healthy children that are still with you. I've been there. I know how it hurts. I never had a still-born, but there were 4 miscarriages for me before Taylor was born at 29 weeks, 2.2 lbs. The last miscarriage before her was the worst. 16 weeks, I could see all the features of the face and all the little fingers and toes. It broke my heart and still does.

    Isn't the NICU an amazing group of people? I think that's a wonderful goal to strive for. And who better to take care of those tiny little gifts from heaven than someone who's been there?

    I know you can do this. I know you can live the life you want to live for your family and for yourself. And you're right. This is not what Adam and Collin would have wanted their mother. ALL your children, both with you and gone, will be so proud of their healthy, nurse mommy! :D
    3666 days ago
    Mary, "Sparkpeople is the place to be!" I can hear the Green Acres song in my head at the moment. Remember that song?

    What I mean is you don't have to hide your hurt. People here understand and love to support you. Recognizing our hurts and letting others know is the first step. And it is a huge step. I wish you many blessings on your journey to heal yourself. Chris emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3669 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/10/2011 7:09:54 AM
  • no profile photo CD6428947
    wow..thanks for sharing this very painful story. you are on the right track...do get healthy for the angels in heaven who are watching over you. Your head is in the right place, now you just need to let your heart follow. You can do it.
    3669 days ago
    Your story is truely a difficult on to live through. I'm glad you are here and have found the desire and will to work at being healthy. Know that I'm here to help and support you as you need it. emoticon
    3669 days ago
    Mary, I am so sorry for the loss and for the pain it causes you every day. I am glad that you are ready to move onto a healthier life, like they would want and like you would want. It is ok for your life to be good, and full of joy, even after something so terrible has happened.
    3670 days ago
    My most heartfelt prayers of healing for you Mary. You've endured so much. Some day you'll find out His reasons and see your sweet babies again. In the meantime, you are not alone here, as much as it may feel like it at times. Your Spark friends want nothing but the best for you.

    We can weather the storm together.
    3670 days ago
  • MURPHY1978
    3671 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/8/2011 8:11:10 AM
    Sounds like you are a beautiful lady and that you have a wonderful family.

    Now that you have found the spaces of hurt thank them and tell them it is time to go. Find appreciation to have been a part of your boys' short lives and look forward to the joyous reunion you will have when you have learned all that this life has to offer you.
    3671 days ago
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