Confessions of a Self-Sabotuer
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Yep, I finally figured that out, after years of blaming my morbidly obese SO of almost 6 years, after years of blaming delivering 2 full term babies less than 18 months apart.
"He wants to grab Mc'Donalds for dinner, so I might as well too."
Well, I can have one of the sugar, fat, and carb filled snack cakes he buys. It's his fault for buying them."
"What, oh this spare tire around my midsection, well my torso did grow 2 human beings in less than 2.5 years! It's okay for it to be a bit doughy!"
After months of using my young kids and online school, and cleaning, and relationship issues as excuses.
"I can't possibly chop up veggies for a salad for lunch when the next toddler tantrum is right around the corner, just make a sandwich and steal the kids' chips."
"I was up all night with a sick kid, there is no way I am getting up early to exercise!"
"The kids won't let me exercise without getting in my way, and I need to do school-work while they nap."
"I need to clean the bathroom while they nap, so no exercise today."
"I'm upset with Chris, and really can't be around him without a drink or two."
"I am so stressed right now, I need to bake to calm myself down. Chocolate really helps me de-stress, Oh look, a half a pan of brownies!"
"Maddie is already starting to fuss in her crib around 6:15. That would mean I would have to get up at 5 to be able to exercise for an hour and take a quick shower. No way!"
It's not my family, nor my schedule and commitments that keep me from my goals. It's me. I'm the one that lets those CHALLENGES derail my efforts. They are not and should be the end-all of my goals. They are not insurmountable walls in front of me; they are merely hurdles that I know I could jump, if I wasn't a self-saboteur.
I have gained 22 lbs in the last 8 months, when I stopped trying to loose weight after a move and the impending mad dash of 2 birthdays and Christmas. I made New's Years Resolutions, and plans, and set goals and rewards. And I have gained 12 lbs since April. There is no one to blame but myself.
Even if all the excuses were valid reasons (and I can make myself believe every single one of them is), it is my hand that put the junk food in my mouth. It is me who opens and drinks the bottle of wine, or the rum and fruit juice. It is me who decides to ignore the alarm in the morning. It is me who doesn't want to exercise during their naps. (and I love to exercise, really I do. I have no idea why I make excuses about that, aside from needing sleep.)
Now, I have snowballed into a stress-ridden, frustrated, back-sliding, junk-food binging, weekend night drinking, no-energy person I barely recognize.
I have gained 2.5 lbs in the last week.
I'm part of a challenge, and last weeks challenge was to get 30 mins of cario in. I was doing great Mon-Thurs. I weighed myself Thurs, just to see, and I was down 3lbs from my weigh in that Monday. I was floating on cloud nine! 3 pounds in 4 days! And then, I hit a binge this weekend, I blamed the Fourth, my term papers, a garage sell I was running at my mom's. Not surprisingly, the scale reflected that, and was up almost a full pound from the WI the previous Monday.
I am using starting 2 new classes, and trying to get the house back in order, as excuses not to exercise this week. Today I ate a bowl of cereal, and 3 hours later was hungry, and (another excuse!) there's fried chicken that needs to be eaten or thrown away so I grabbed a couple of wings. Lunch today was a sandwich and BBQ chips (kids being grouchy, and I just needed to make a quick lunch and put them down for naps, excuse!!)
This led to realization of my self-sabotaging ways. This time last year, I was struggling to loose weight, and weighed about 15 pounds less than I do now. I am only 23, I do not want to loose a little and gain a lot the rest of my life.
What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing it? These are obviously answers I need to answer before I can make any actual progress in my weight-loss efforts.