This may hurt but it is necessary
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I keep reading other peoples blogs and having moments of I do that, I did that, why do I do that. So today after reading another great on by Yoovie I decided I needed to get somethings off my chest.
Here goes, I am sorry for anyone I may offend or hurt, ah heck that is a debatable thing.
I have been fighting an overwhelming feel of being stuck. I keep talking about things I want or need to do but I dont move forward and execute, why. . . . What or where am I stuck some will ask, well here I try to lay it out for you:
I am stuck in a job I do well but I am bored with and tired of and can't actively do much about because I work, I go to school, and because my son is not working I cannot risk a no income situation and quit.
I am stuck at a plateau, hell I've been at this plateau for a year weight wise yet at the same time the muffin top is melting so maybe, just maybe this is the weight I am supposed to be despite all the so called experts and their charts and graphs.
I am stuck in a D/s (BDSM) relationship with some one I no longer feel the same always about as I didnt 2 or more years ago. I no longer want this person the say ways I have in the past, now how do I back pedal out of this. He already thinks its the idea of him I love not him. He already things he's Mr Right Now, Mr. Convenience and soon to be replaced. He is taking care of my dog. While I dont think that will change much of anything I am not sure and afraid so I keep going along with what I initiated.
I am stuck at this plateau I think because my emotions are on hold because I refuse to risk getting hurt.
I am stuck in an apartment that does not feel like home and am without my dog.
I am stuck in a financial situation, whole, that only I can fix as I am the only one working.
I am stuck because I plainly don't want to be the one doing it all - sure the kids help around the house but they dont work, shop, deep clean, go to the gym/school daily, or handle the bills. I just dont want all the jobs anymore, been doing it a long time, I want to share this with someone.
I wanna have more fun
I wanna do more for me, to do as I want to do when I want to
I want a steady boyfriend/relationship that is growing/changing around us as we become more
I want some one to take care of me
I want to be comfy in a bikini-ish style swimsuit
I want more fun
I want more money
I want more love
I want more sex
Now the next big question. . . . What am I going to do to get what I want?
Well so far I can say that to change things I have to:
be more honest with myself and others about my feelings and dissatisfaction
stop apologizing for being me and just be me
Okay so from here what happens, sadly most likely nothing, back into the rut.
On second thought, no something has to change, something has to happen I cannot accept this rut anymore!! I will be me and do as I need for me.
Thanks for reading, lol.