turning anger inward
Friday, April 29, 2011
So, I imagine a lot of people do this. I had an awkward ?fight? ... ?conversation? I don't know what to call it. Anyways, I ended up with really hurt feelings, feeling a little embarrassed, angry, lonely, upset, etc. I felt really rejected and lonely. This last part was probably out of proportion to what happened. Actually, it definitely was. I immediately started being really, really mean to myself. It was so easy to just go back to that super nasty place in my mind.
I have been doing super well lately, and it's so scary to be able to go back there so quickly, just over one conversation. I read about how neuro-pathways become re-enforced the more you use them... so the more you think about something, it's like you're deepening a rut. The connections become stronger. You have to be really diligent to "re-wire" your brain. Anyone who's tried to learn a new language can understand what I'm talking about. It's so easy to think in your first language, and for a while when you learn your 2nd language, you get to a point where you can't speak either language because your brain is working so hard to rewire itself.
Anyways... I think I got back to that really, really dark place (I've had very serious suicidal depression in the past) because I have spent so much time there. I have a lot more coping skills now, and I am in fewer situations now that would lead to that kind of thinking. I knew that I needed to go to my friend's house as planned, just to be distracted. I knew that I needed to text message another old friend to get a little support. I knew that I needed to go right to sleep so I took my melatonin to knock me out.
Still, it's really scary, if I'm totally honest. I guess I struggle to find meaning in my life, having purpose and doing good is very important. As many people have said to me here and in my real outside life, I am trying too hard to be perfect and am too hard on myself.
It's interesting that I can't let myself be angry with other people, even in my own head. Why do I immediately attack myself? In the past, I've really liked Thich Nhat Hahn's book "anger". Maybe I'll do more reading on that. Maybe I need to do more meditation.
I really wanted to eat a lot, just give up. When I was really depressed and wanted to hurt myself, I chose to eat a lot of sugary, fatty foods. Overeating was literally the safest way I could deal with the desire to hurt myself. I don't regret doing that, and I thank my body for carrying me through that dark time. But, I don't need to do that anymore. All I wanted to do was eat last night. I had a few more extra chocolate eggs at work, but I guess that's not the worst thing in the world. I slept in, which isn't super great for my career, but in the grand scheme of things, isn't the worst thing (ie. I'm not sure my boss really cares about one day).
Anyways, tomorrow is a new day, I feel better for writing this. I start the day with my core class, and I really like the people in it. I will buy myself a new pot for my aloe plant (one thing I'm allowing myself to buy in my challenge of buying less) and I will go to a party tomorrow night. Lots of other things to get done, but those are the priorities.