Knowing and still not doing....
Saturday, April 16, 2011
So I have been abstinent for four days, starting the fifth - or have I? Yesterday evening my daughter left some popcorns, maybe one dl, and I pondered it for a while and then gave in and ate it. Not a big deal, but the thing is that as I am a very obsessed compulsive overeater I do know - from lots and lots of previous experience - that any small chew outside my plan will start me obsessing "all is lost, might as well eat" And of course my brain knows that it is ridiculous, of course I know that 1 dl of popcorn does not make me a "failure" or the day a "failure"... but this is the disease, it is like an alcoholic taking that first glass thinking "i can manage..."
That one dl led me to eat two rye breads with ham and then I managed to stop and go to bed. I was still well within my calorie range so I will count yesterday as an abstinent day but I know that it might come back and bite me in the butt this evening... because that same insane mind will start to argue "you had some popcorn yesterday and managed to stop before bingeing, you can have something out of plan tonight as well, because you can do it..."
The alcohol and me worked exactly the same - I had been sober for about three months without any effort when I suddenly had a bottle of champagne (not really, it was southafrican brut but anyway..) one evening. Woke up the next day and did not think that much about it until the next saturday - one week afterwards. Then my mind told me that "ok, you had that bottle and it all went well, so you can have some wine tonight..." I heard the alarm go off inside and knew that if I had some that evening I would soon be back in the anxiety that made me want to give it up.
So it is important not to have any popcorn tonight, it is important not to continue slipping just a little. I need to stay abstinent to succeed. I know that "healthy" people - many of spark coaches - does not recommend this "fanatic" perspective as it is black-or-white, all-or-nothing.... and I agree. But I also agree with "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"
I discussed this with my brother yesterday (who, by the way, phoned to tell me his was sorry for rambling so much without listening, we had a better conversation than the day before, although I realised that none of us really respect the others opinion. We try to persuade the other of our own perspectives, interesting. I will work on it.
Anyway I told him that I cannot have rye crisp bread in my house, I will eventually eat it. When I was drinking it was the same with red wine, eventually I would open that bottle, not day one and maybe not for a week, but eventually I would do it although I did not really want to. It is the same with rye crisp bread - if I start eating it I have big problems stopping. I have tried many times and it might work one time and it might work two but in the end I will lose control and overeat. I am (for today) helpless. But I am not helpless in the store, I can manage not to buy it so that i my strategy. If I don´t have it in the house, I can´t eat it.
My brother thought that was the wrong way to go. You should be able to control it... and I asked him if he thought the same about alcoholics - they should be able to control it and drink "normal" - he said that it is a completely different thing... well I don´t think so. I think that there are some foods and behaviours I will have to stay away from, because I can´t handle them. It is not enough staying away from trigger foods, because I also agree that overeating is "only" a symptom. If I take the symptom away without changing the cause, it will only pop up somewhere else. That is why I work with changing my attitude and taking care of myself, that is why I tried so much to stand up for my opinion towards my brother the day before...and that is also why I got so much anxiety for that although it was not a big deal in reality, it was an earthquake inside me, but not so much outwards...
For today my abstinence requires rigidity in food choices and meal planning. It might change tomorrow but today I need it. And I cannot allow myself any popcorn tonight...
Stay tuned for the drama!