My love (and hate) relationship with food
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My food issues began way early in life...I was always a chubby kid. My dad and his parents were overweight but my mom and her side were not. (btw, thanks for that gene Dad, you couldn't have passed along the great hair) Food was always an event in our house, homemade pizza on Tuesdays, Fish Fry at the fire hall on Fridays, doughnuts after church. When I would feel bad, my mom would give me a cookie or a cupcake or a brownie.
I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 13. She was only 46. My dad had no idea what to do with me when my mom was sick so he just ignored me or when we were at the hospital he would jut give me money to hit the vending machine to get me out of his hair. That's when I started turning to food to comfort. I would go to the machine and get 2 or 3 cookies or brownies or whatever and hide and eat them . They made me feel good.
Fast forward 2 years later and my dad remarried. I lovingly call her my "step monster". I admit I was a pain, I didn't know how to deal with my mom's death and the fact that my Dad wasn't around. But instead of step monster trying to understand me or get me help, she belittled me, called me fat, withheld food from me. Did I lose weight? Yes. I also would shove candy bars down my throat in private when I could get my hands on them. Part spite, part comfort.
As I became an adult and got away from her, I still struggled with weight and food. I have been up and down from 140 and 260 my entire adulthood. I still find myself "hiding" when I am eating a cookie. Not all the time, but it happens. Then there's the guilt, I eat one cookie, it becomes 2, 2 becomes 3 so on and so on...
I am really trying to have a healthy relationship with food. I love all food, sometimes too much or i wouldn't be here would I? It is just so hard to break the vicious cycle...