As much as I'd like to claim my post yesterday as my "reflective" blog, it wasn't. I've written many a reflective post on my own blog so this should be easy, right? Even better... I can say ANYTHING here because no one is here from my family like on my blog.
It's amazing how many bizarre epiphanies crop up when you're reading other peoples' blogs about struggles and realizations of self. The RFML team is this conglomeration of insanity and truth that somehow works. We're not "the funny friend"... the one who can't ever be serious or it gets fantastically awkward. We're well-rounded, we're the best friend. How? HONESTY... even about the personal shit storms and quirkiness. I feel free here. There's no judgment. So, before I go into anything. Thanks for being you, half-a$$ed warrior ninja pirate hookers. Much love to you all. Oh, by the way... there may be naughty words in this blog post. You've been warned.
I am awesome. That's right, I am. I am a total badass. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I'm funny. I have many talents. I rock. That being said... I don't believe much of what you just read lol. I have extreme confidence issues. Proof of this? It's Friday and I should be dancing, but I can't. I haven't even attempted it yet and I have to do 30 minutes of RANDOM DANCING (iCarly reference, snitches) for at least 3 days this week. I can't! Not even alone. I am so freaked out by the prospect of freestyle dancing. It is... completely irrational! I am literally about to cry and over what. WHAT?! Why the hell does this bother me so much? Even if there's no mirror. It can be a dark room with nothing and no one around and I would be embarrassed and have an sobbing lonely anxiety attack. It is giving me heart palpitations and a lump in my throat just thinking about it.
So... I am embarrassed... of myself. I, myself, am embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. How the funk does that happen to a person. I have no self image. I have only the images others have given to me. Thankfully they're mostly good ones. But, that can't be healthy. I want to feel like they're right. I want actual self confidence, not this facade. I was in the Army. I was pumped full of awesomeness and self confidence, self assuredness, even a bit of selfishness. I've lost it along the way with life and parenting fails, marriage issues. Somewhere I disappeared.
As I type this I am waiting and hoping for the motivation, the plan, the realization, the determination. I feel nothing. I feel hopeless and disappointed in myself. Very much so... over fucking dancing. Right now all I want to do is smoke. If I get my confidence back will I be willing to deal with some of the shit I've been putting up with... the same shit that destroyed my confidence to begin with? Am I ready to answer these questions yet? Once I do, am I willing to make the necessary steps to keep it? Look at that... all over DANCING! Thank you, though. I will eventually dance. And when I do I will get some confidence back. Who knows where that will lead.
Sigh... this was the wrong damn day to write a blog post. Whatever... there it is. I am a disgruntled housewife waiting for the strength to morph into Towanda. I believe she started with exercise and it snowballed from there.