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Reflections and Confessions

Friday, March 18, 2011

As much as I'd like to claim my post yesterday as my "reflective" blog, it wasn't. I've written many a reflective post on my own blog so this should be easy, right? Even better... I can say ANYTHING here because no one is here from my family like on my blog.

It's amazing how many bizarre epiphanies crop up when you're reading other peoples' blogs about struggles and realizations of self. The RFML team is this conglomeration of insanity and truth that somehow works. We're not "the funny friend"... the one who can't ever be serious or it gets fantastically awkward. We're well-rounded, we're the best friend. How? HONESTY... even about the personal shit storms and quirkiness. I feel free here. There's no judgment. So, before I go into anything. Thanks for being you, half-a$$ed warrior ninja pirate hookers. Much love to you all. Oh, by the way... there may be naughty words in this blog post. You've been warned.

I am awesome. That's right, I am. I am a total badass. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I'm funny. I have many talents. I rock. That being said... I don't believe much of what you just read lol. I have extreme confidence issues. Proof of this? It's Friday and I should be dancing, but I can't. I haven't even attempted it yet and I have to do 30 minutes of RANDOM DANCING (iCarly reference, snitches) for at least 3 days this week. I can't! Not even alone. I am so freaked out by the prospect of freestyle dancing. It is... completely irrational! I am literally about to cry and over what. WHAT?! Why the hell does this bother me so much? Even if there's no mirror. It can be a dark room with nothing and no one around and I would be embarrassed and have an sobbing lonely anxiety attack. It is giving me heart palpitations and a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

So... I am embarrassed... of myself. I, myself, am embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. How the funk does that happen to a person. I have no self image. I have only the images others have given to me. Thankfully they're mostly good ones. But, that can't be healthy. I want to feel like they're right. I want actual self confidence, not this facade. I was in the Army. I was pumped full of awesomeness and self confidence, self assuredness, even a bit of selfishness. I've lost it along the way with life and parenting fails, marriage issues. Somewhere I disappeared.

As I type this I am waiting and hoping for the motivation, the plan, the realization, the determination. I feel nothing. I feel hopeless and disappointed in myself. Very much so... over fucking dancing. Right now all I want to do is smoke. If I get my confidence back will I be willing to deal with some of the shit I've been putting up with... the same shit that destroyed my confidence to begin with? Am I ready to answer these questions yet? Once I do, am I willing to make the necessary steps to keep it? Look at that... all over DANCING! Thank you, though. I will eventually dance. And when I do I will get some confidence back. Who knows where that will lead.

Sigh... this was the wrong damn day to write a blog post. Whatever... there it is. I am a disgruntled housewife waiting for the strength to morph into Towanda. I believe she started with exercise and it snowballed from there.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo JENNABS33
    I can relate -- and funny, I've always considered myself an ok dancer out on the dance floor. But when I was trying to do it in front of a "dance your @ss" off video, I had flashbacks of Elaine on Seinfeld. Never felt like more of an idiot in my life. Would have absolutely died if someone had walked in the room.

    I liked the suggestion of cleaning house with great music on -- just move your hiney a little more than you normally do while dusting, and call it a dance. I also find that my 3 year old likes to be encouraged to dance, so we do our own thing a little (attention span doesn't work in my favor -- we can do it about 5 minutes at a time). But it is nice to show that playful side whenever I can in the day
    3780 days ago
  • KATEINMICHIGAN
    Have a look on the Team Pictures page. :-) Made it for youl
    3783 days ago
  • KATEINMICHIGAN
    DANCING ASSHAT?

    Bwaaaahaaahaaa.
    <
    BR>I think that deserves something special.
    3783 days ago
  • STEADYON
    Thanks for being HONEST...I can't seem to dance either. I just feel stupid and am never alone long enough to get the workout done.

    I feel for ya!
    3783 days ago
  • PLEEBLES
    I hear you. I had been waiting all week to take care of my dancing via Zumba class on Friday, and then my weekend house guests showed up a day early. So I didn't get there and seriously cannot see how I will cram in 90 minutes of dancing with house guests. May have to just take a pass on that point...
    3783 days ago
  • MUDSKIPPER26
    I feel your pain. I don't know what it is about that challenge, but it is a major hurdle for me, too. You can put me in a room (read, BAR) full of strangers and I will shake my thang with the best of them. But this? Dancing by myself, for FITNESS? It's like I might as well put a label on myself that says, "Hello, My Name is Dancing Asshat." The only advice I can give is trying to find something that works for you. I tried a multitude of those little videos on exercise on demand on tv and once I found one that was based in disco (whuck?) it was tolerable. If we have to do that part of the challenge again, I think I will try something new that maybe I won't feel foolish doing (Richard Simmons? Who knows), otherwise, I just may have to get a sitter and try out the pole dancing class, LOL! At least then I would get a good laugh along with the workout! emoticon In the meantime, good luch with your groove.
    3783 days ago
  • RUNRUNMAMA
    I so feel your pain. Somewhere in the midst of marriage and kids, I've lost myself too. I used to be so full of confidence and optimism for the future. Now? I feel a knot in my stomach 90% of the time. I'm going to screw up...somehow, even though I don't really know how that is. Crazy, yes? YES!

    As for dancing, I did it. I signed up for a Zumba class. It's in a room with *gulp* mirrors and *double gulp* other people. Gah. And I can't dance. Never really could. But I go. I jump around like a tool, and have a great time. It doesn't matter that I can't dance. I'm doing it for my health, for ME.

    Here's the thing, Allie. I barely know you, but I know this: you are amazing! A veteran. A mother. A wife. A strong, incredible woman. Go dance! You can do it and you will be AWESOME.
    3783 days ago
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